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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Leaving a good man

5 replies

goldenlog · 09/05/2020 23:42

Has anyone left a relationship with a good man because they were no longer happy or in love?

He’s amazing to me and we have a DC together which makes it so much harder. But I don’t love him, I don’t think I ever truly have and I constantly feel like I’m living a lie. I’m no longer sexually attracted to him, we haven’t had sex in 6 months because I don’t find enjoyment in being intimate with him anymore.

I’m 29 and the thought of spending the rest of my life with him makes me feel so sad.

OP posts:
PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal · 10/05/2020 00:07

Having previously been left by my former husband, when I was 32 and he left me for another woman, I can honestly say I was crushed at the time. This was mostly because of the dishonesty, which left me bewildered and with a lot of unanswered questions. His approach was to move on with his life whilst still living with me and only leave me when he’d set something else up.
I can honestly say I never married him to make him miserable and I would have much preferred if he had been honest with me as we could have handled the split together.
I really feel for you - I think you have to be true to yourself and as long as you are kind to your partner, I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about. He deserves the opportunity to be with someone who thinks the world of him - you both do.
In my case, I had counselling and took some time to myself after divorce. I subsequently dated via Match and met the love of my life. We have been married for 2 years now (coming up to 7th anniversary in total) and I’m 28 weeks pregnant with our first child. I am happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life, so my first husband really did me a favour in the end. I’m loved and understood so much more. I have no resentment whatsoever to my first husband - sure he could have handled things differently but the past is in the past Smile.
I think it sounds like you know what you want to do and I wish you all the best with it. I think honesty is really important and although it’s hard to tell someone you don’t love them anymore, I know I would have preferred that to months (or years?) of deceit, as I had to go through, or even someone just staying with me because it was easier or they didn’t want to hurt my feelings. At 29, you can still have a real shot at happiness and the same goes for your husband.

PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal · 10/05/2020 00:10

...sorry, didn’t mean to assume you are married! So husband - or partner as the case may be.

Delbelleber · 10/05/2020 00:28

I left a relationship of 10 years which had gone stale. It was the best thing I've done.

lockdownpregnancy · 10/05/2020 08:34

If you are not in love and don't want to be with him anymore, then you need to sit down with your DP and discuss how you feel.
I know a fair few couples that have stayed amazing friends after their relationship finished, kids or no kids. They just knew that they were meant to be in each other's lives, but not with each other.
I hope it works out for you, I really do, but definitely start talking with your DP and see how you can both move forward. If he is amazing as you say he is, you may be surprised at how well he takes it! He may already have an idea, especially if you haven't been intimate for 6 months.
I wish you all the very best xx

Sheera1 · 10/05/2020 10:45

Yes I left my husband of 12 years who was and still is a good man. The last 6 yrs of our married had been stale and we were not in love with each other and had very separate lives. Ds was born from me asking to try and having sex for the first time in 6 months which had become the norm.

Our personalities were very different from when we were younger. He was reclusive and antisocial whereas I had lots of friends and loved going out (was in my late 20's). He started to make sniping comments about me and would put me down which I obviously was pissed at.

Leaving him especially with a 2 yr old was the hardest decision of my life. I still feel guilt about it tbh. We had a weepy conversation where I told him that I was not in love with him anymore. We had also been in separate bedrooms for some time at that point. He got a cold and slept in the spare room and just never moved back and was fine with me.

He didn't want anything to change but through fear of change (which was scary) not for losing me.

We agreed joint custody and sold the house and went our separate ways. We still lived fairly close for Ds.

It is 8 years on and life couldn't be better. He remarried very quickly. Met his wife 3 months after we split, proposed quickly and she was pregnant within 8 mo ths of them meeting. They are very happily married with a lovely wee daughter.

I have been with, whom I consider my soulmate, for 7 years now. We were meant to get married this summer and I am now pregnant.

I get on great with my ex wife. She is lovely. DS mainly lives with me but only because he needs to be with me at times but loves seeing them often.

It was a very scary and hard thing to do especially as most people and mainly my family thought I was nuts as he is a lovely guy. I just felt I was sleeping through life and was not prepared to settle when I felt there was so much more out there.

If there was any spark of being in love still there we would have worked on it and I really did for years. Once that had gone and we started to lose respect for each other, it was gone for ever.

Leaving with a child is especially hard but a household where the parents are not in love and stop respecting each other is not a nice place for a child. Ds now has two families who he loves so much.

I was lucky that we can be amicable and adults esp for ds sake. But then he is and always was a nice guy and so am I.

Hope this helps you. What I say to friends in a similar position is that only you knows how you really feel and what is salvageable and what is not. Don't through away things on a whim but life is too short to not be fully happy. X

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