I Feel Selfish and Guilty For Wanting Twins

[SushiLove]

When I first found out I was pregnant I had the strange feeling I was having twins. Part of this was admittedly ‘wishful thinking’, but it’s stuck with me up until today.

Today I am exactly 11 weeks pregnant. I haven’t put on a single pound, I have no bump and even though I’ve had nausea and extreme tiredness, I recall having the same with my other two single pregnancies. So today I’ve basically accepted that I’m not carrying two. It’s pretty obvious and I’d be lying if I said I thought otherwise. My chances of having twins are low, as I don’t fall into any of the categories that suggest I have more of a chance than the next person and yet, a little part of me is selfishly disappointed.

We already have two beautiful and healthy children and, if I’m honest, we can’t really afford twins, neither do we have the room. I don’t understand why I am being so selfish and I feel guilty for wanting more than one baby.

I’m just disappointed in myself for thinking like this. I’m sure once I have my scan in a week or so I’ll be over the moon to see my little baby, but for now I feel like such an ungrateful person. I have a cousin who is having trouble conceiving and she would give so much just for one baby. I just feel bad. What is wrong with me?!

Is it because you don't plan to have anymore children? In my last pregnancy I was kind of secretly hoping for twin girls as I had 2 boys already and I knew we wouldn't be having anymore children so I thought if by chance I was having twins then that would be fate lol a nice even number and 2 boys 2 girls... I knew I wasn't really having twins as like you it would have been unlikely no twins in family, no fertility treatment etc.

I had early scans at 7 and 9 weeks due to 2 previous miscarriages and so I knew early on I was just having one baby and as you say once I saw the scan I was just happy and relieved there was a baby! We would have struggled with twins on top of 2 already but of course you manage if you are in that situation. I still occasionally wish my daughter was a twin so she had someone closer in age to play with, although her brothers dote on her they are 6&9 years older so they grew up together and she is the only toddler in our family but she's happy getting all the attention lol.

Hello Aria20,
Thank you for responding. I think you may have hit the nail on the head :( I had to practically beg my Husband for a third child and even now I know he’s dreading it. I would love to have at least 4 children, but deep down I know it’s not the right thing to do given our situation. We live in a 2-bed maisonette, aren’t particularly wealthy and currently going through a stressful time in our relationship. We would struggle to cope with more than three. My Husband is more reasonable in that sense, although I know I’m a good Mum and would do my absolute best with each and every child.
I’m sad that I know this will be my last baby, but almost glad your comment made me cry because I didn’t realise that my longing for twins was for this reason :( It’s something I need to accept but just hard at the moment. Thanks for sharing your part.

Hey and congratulations on your pregnancy. I sort of know where you’re coming from- I was thinking it would be great to find out I’m having twins as I’ll be 39 when this child (fingers crossed!) is born and so I guess wouldn’t be able to try for number two until I’m 40 at which point I will presumably be less fertile. If this makes you feel any better though, once I had my 12 week scan I was so delighted that there was a heartbeat and a healthy seeming baby that I really don’t feel disappointed. I hope that this will be the same for you. X

Why feel guilty?

I would love twins if I am lucky enough to have another pregnancy after this one. I left it quite late to start, so two in one go would be amazing.

My first pregnancy was twins. The Dr initially thought it was triplets. I miscarried that pregnancy and each time I was pregnant after I really wanted twins. I’ve now got 2 boys ( not twins) and am so thankful for them. They are complete live wires , lovely boys but I still understand the longing for twins.

I think twins looks so incredibly hard. And even more so if you already have two. How could you possibly give your older two the attention they need when you have two tiny babies feeding round the clock. I'd feel more guilty for having twins if I already had two.

I’m not trying to be harsh, but perhaps have a look at the difficulties of twin pregnancies, preterm birth and NICU stays, parenting challenges etc. It might help stifle some of the longing? I can’t comment to how it must feel when you are aware this is your last pregnancy as far as you and your DH are concerned and twins were my first pregnancy (my second was a single baby but sadly we lost him) and my DH has said no more. That hurts when I had envisioned having 3 (I grew up with 2 siblings and we were/are thick as thieves, so that just stuck in my head I suppose!).

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP, YANBU for feeling how you do, I hope seeing baby at your first scan will alleviate some of your disappointment .