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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Genuine question about pregnant women enquiring about partners at scans/wards

54 replies

Lalla525 · 06/05/2020 16:52

Hi all,

I have a genuine question for people hoping their partners will be allowed at scans/ in the post natal ward soon.

Aren't you worried about other peoples partners being there as well (and thus increasing your risk of getting covid)?

I am going to a lot of appointment myself (high risk pregnancy) and will stay in the antinatal ward for weeks alone before birth and then in the postnatal ward a few days if baby has problems. It will be boring and awful. However, I am so glad I won't be exposed to other people's partners that I am happy to do it on my own.

My partner is currently WFH and isolating with me, but he could be a key worker. An asymptomatic one. Would you be happy for him to visit me? If not, why are you hoping partners will be allowed there?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalla525 · 06/05/2020 19:24

Aside from covid, I am astonished by the poor care people are reporting.

I have had antenatal appointments with midwives (always a different one) and they were all (but 2) dismissive of any symptom and not particularly willing to help/reassure. However, I always attributed it to my pregnancy being low risk (until recently) and thought that they would be way better in the wards / during and immediately after birth.

Looks like this is not really the case, even if you have a poorly baby or you are poorly yourself. It does sound scary to be there, incapacitated, with nobody there to look after you.

OP posts:
doadeer · 06/05/2020 19:33

OP my sister had good quality of care in NE... Its not poor everywhere I don't think.

I basically didn't put my son down much for 6 days, I think I slept 2/3 hours a day each day. It was hard going.

Take lots of food for yourself. Bottles of water to refill are handy too.

I would take some bottles of smoothie to help you have a number two (!) sorry tmi but you want it to be easy.

Peppermint tablets are good for wind (sounds crazy but it was horrific) ah so glamorous!!

Cakeandslippers · 06/05/2020 19:34

@CaliforniaMountainSnake I was given bad news and left to cry on my own in my first pregnancy. It shouldn't happen but it can and sadly does. Luckily me and baby ended up being completely fine, but I think it's easy to forget that many of us have very difficult, traumatic memories of pregnancy and birth and this significantly affects what we see as acceptable risk.

makingababy · 06/05/2020 19:37

I don’t see how partners being on the ward really increases the risk of transmission (if wearing face masks, practicing good hygiene and distancing as much as possible) - if I’m on the ward and my husband has covid then I almost definitely have it too and am as big a risk as he is.

2007Millie · 06/05/2020 19:41

Another one who has an EMCS and couldn't have survived without my husband there.

A few midwives to look after lots of babies? Unlikely to happen successfully. Took at least 5 minutes from 'buzzing' to get any response, by which point baby is screaming blue murder in their cot.

notinthestarsigns · 06/05/2020 19:41

I notice a lot of posts seem to be quite dismissive of the need for partners to be at scans because it won’t make a difference to the baby if there is bad news, and it is also claimed that it will be handled sensitively. I wonder if everyone making these comments has been in the position where they have had to receive bad news during the pandemic? If they have and it was handled sensitively I am very pleased for you but please don’t assume that is the case for everyone. I have received bad news at 2 appts so far, and the likelihood is I will receive more. Whilst your partner being there will not be able to change the bad news itself, it would massively change how horrific an experience the appointment is. When you receive bad news that you are not expecting you are in shock and it is extremely difficult to take in. It is then hugely difficult to attempt to relay that information to your partner when you probably don’t even remember half of what was said. At my hospital you wait in the car until you are called in so I struggle to see that there would be a significant risk if my partner was also to come in and was to stand at least 2 metres away from staff (if that is possible). I appreciate that everyone has different views on this but please don’t make out that it is not a big deal being on your own unless you have been in a situation where you have received bad news without your partner there. In response to the suggestion that it would also be horrific if your partner is there, I agree, but having experienced both the time that my partner was there was nowhere near as horrific.

Original poster
Lalla525 · 06/05/2020 19:42

@doadeer i think I will need to start another thread because I now feel so naive. Where I come from all is provided for you in the hospital (no, it is not private healthcare), so aside from clean clothes and entertainment, everything else is sorted for you.

Bring my own food? I have gestational diabetes. I need to eat very carefully and things that can not be stockpiled. A bowl of cereal won't do. Smoothies? Can't have them. How am I going to stay 3 weeks antenatally if I am not provided with food there?

OMG now I am honestly freaking out.

OP posts:
LillianFullStop · 06/05/2020 19:42

I understand the need to limit visitors on the ward but I also worry about the after care. I'm having a planned section so if the after care is bad/non-existent I worry about how to get up and feed by baby, get nappies/clothes out of my bag etc. I need to be able to get around to wash/sterilise bottles/etc I have no idea how I would manage without help. I can't imagine it will be a nice experience - I am keeping my expectations very low so I am both looking forward to and dreading the birth.

I will push to be discharged ASAP as at home I will have help and can focus on recovery.

Tigertrees · 06/05/2020 19:45

You will get food in hospital! I think pp was just meaning it might not be nice, or you might want to supplement it a bit with snacks!

2007Millie · 06/05/2020 19:46

@LillianFullStop

I second the idea for pushing to go home.

I was in for 9 nights when really I could have gone home earlier and it not made any difference

LillianFullStop · 06/05/2020 19:52

I think they do provide meals OP - but I have seen posts on here that in some wards they don't get brought to you to have in our bed you have to go to some canteen at meal times to eat it there or bring it back.

I have NO IDEA how you would do that if you're not yet mobile after a section or if you need to wheel your baby there with you without someone to mind them...

I'm planning to bring some peppermint tea - I assume there would be some hot water (maybe?) do u need to bring my own mug? Is there somewhere to wash up or do I have to bring washing up liquid to wash it in the bathroom?!

Please let my stay be 24 hours I will probably go crazy if it's any longer.

LillianFullStop · 06/05/2020 19:55

@2007Millie 9 nights is quite long! Did they say why?

I was in for 5 the first time but it was due to DD's blood test showing a marker for infection so she had to be kept in for a 5 day dose of antibiotics. 5 was long enough I was absolutely miserable by the end.

Spoons1987 · 06/05/2020 20:00

@Lalla525 I’m obviously not sure where in the UK you’re based but please rest assured that NHS hospitals do provide three meals a day to patients. The quality of the food can vary and there’s normally strict limits on how long the food can be left untouched due to food hygiene. But there will be food.

I think this thread is attracting people trying to persuade you that it’s important for partners to be allowed at scans and on wards. The persuasion is being done by telling you that you’ll be helpless without a partner and neglected, because that was the very unfortunate experiences of the people answering this thread.

Please don’t panic. It’s an emotional time and absolutely crap what everyone is going through, but where I am there have been improvements in breastfeeding success and babies are losing less weight postnatally. Women are talking to each other on the wards, which is something that hasn’t been seen for a long time. Midwives or healthcare assistants will answer your buzzers. They will pass your baby to you and help you change nappies. Please don’t go into this with fear about starvation, child neglect and evil midwives - as well as Covid.

doadeer · 06/05/2020 20:00

I didn't mean to panic you OP I'm sorry.

I don't know what happens if you have dietary requirements but I assume you will be taken care of. You can just ask your midwife what's available.

The hospital I was at was surrounded by cafes so I assume most people's partners get them food so perhaps thats why I wasn't offered any.

Lots of women take snacks into the hospital for post birth, I think this is fairly common.

The smoothie comment was just to say eat lots of fibre so going to the toilet is easy! Obviously doesn't have to be a smoothie if you can't have these.

KADAQ1 · 06/05/2020 20:03

We should all be kind and respect each other’s views. I’m a key healthcare worker and 20 weeks pregnant I’m still at work on the frontline seeing patients every day, putting me and baby at potential risk, but I wouldn’t change it as it’s my job.
I hope my husband will be able to attend future antenatal appointments with me, as long as we both remain symptom free so we can share the pregnancy journey together

Lozz22 · 06/05/2020 20:04

What Zscaler said. I've been there and it was awful to have to phone my DP up afterwards when he was at work and tell him over the phone that our Baby was dead, and even after 3 previous losses it was probably the most horrendous thing I've ever had to do and There is absolutely no way I would be having scans alone now

Lozz22 · 06/05/2020 20:10

And no having your partner there won't make any difference if it's bad news, but having the emotional support from him will. Mine still beats himself up that he wasn't able to be there with me when I received bad news.

Lemonpink88 · 06/05/2020 20:25

I think it depends on the individual as to how much support you require. Im Due next month prepared to be okay alone. It’s taken me a few weeks to digest & feel this way. I think midwifes are run off their feet at best of times & didn’t expect much post natal support first time & wont this time as long as my baby here’s safley I do not care.

2007Millie · 06/05/2020 20:43

@LillianFullStop

Multiple reasons- suspected sepsis so antibiotics all round, couldn't master breastfeeding etc. It was a LONG time

FoxtrotSkarloey · 06/05/2020 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

CaliforniaMountainSnake · 06/05/2020 21:52

It's no fun and not having your partner there isn't what anyone would choose, but infinitely preferable to unnecessary potential exposure to the virus.

I never had my partner there and neither do lots of women. I think people forget that woman managed in hospital alone for years. Having your partner there post nataly is a very new concept.

They don't need to be there, you don't need them there. You growing that baby all by yourself, your gonna birth that baby and your gonna care for that baby for the next 18 years, if you can do all that you can manage a few days without your partner.

People need to stop with the scare stories. Have a bit of positivity. Try and reassure people, not panic them. You say you couldn't cope without your partner, but you would have coped if they weren't there, and we will all cope without our partners there at this time.

Yes some people have had bad experiences, but it doesn't help scaring the shit out of women that are already scared of going it alone when they have no choice in the matter.

CaliforniaMountainSnake · 06/05/2020 21:54

Sorry if my post seemed like it was directed at you @FoxtrotSkarloey it wasn't. You comment just got me thinking.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 06/05/2020 22:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

EleanorSaysFork · 06/05/2020 22:54

I am shielding due to immunosuppressants and pregnant (which means my baby will be considered higher risk too) though not due until autumn. If I was due now my concern would certainly be far more weighted towards possible Covid exposure than having my partner there. Fewer people in a room makes for easier social distancing (and less people for the midwives to monitor, last time I gave birth some partners on the ward were certainly not helpful or easy to have around!). By the time I am due, who knows how things be and I will hope there is some provision that helps keep people in my situation safer (perhaps a private room if at all possible?!).

It’s such a tricky time and the decisions that have to be made are from ideal for anyone. I do feel for people who have had previous difficult or traumatic experiences and can appreciate them having different feelings and perspectives about this.