I don’t think I’m OK

[GaaaaarlicBread]

Hi please excuse this if it’s long .
I just need to talk. I need someone to chat to.
I’m 23 weeks +2 days with my first baby. A little girl, she’s very healthy and every scan has been perfect.
I’m usually a very happy person but lately I’ve been not ‘me’. I cry a lot, I’m getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I have no motivation. I’m off work due to social distancing as I’m a high risk pregnancy.
I am worrying and getting feelings of dread over the most little things. I worry I’m going to squash my baby at night as I often wake up on my tummy. I wake up on my back and worry baby can’t breathe properly.
I worry that I’m not exercising enough and baby will be suffering. If I nap in the day from being so tired over not sleeping at night, I worry it’s bad for the baby.
I exercise and then worry that I’ve overdone it.
I maybe don’t feel as much movement as I did the day before and I worry she’s not ok.
I get cramps and I worry something bad is going to happen.
I feel like I’m causing the baby harm by worrying. And then the next day I’m totally fine , really happy, she’s kicking away and I feel great.
I’m seeing my midwife next Friday for my 25 week check up and I’m so nervous. Why? No idea. I’m worried she won’t find a heartbeat , or I’m anxious I won’t have enough time to talk to her about my worries.
I have a Doppler at home but despite being trained in using it (from working in hospital) as well as my husband being trained, I still don’t dare use it because again I worry it will harm the baby even though I know it won’t.
I’m so unhappy . I want her here so I can worry about other things but at least she’ll be here and safe. Whether it’s the current climate that’s doing it, or whether i would’ve always been like this I don’t know. From day one I was worried about miscarriage . I knew NOTHING about MC Or MMC before googling things in early pregnancy so I kick myself over that as I was blissfully unaware .
I just don’t know what to do. I am trying meditating and my husband is amazing but I can’t shut my head up. I have intrusive thoughts like ‘are all the doors locked’ even though I know I’ve locked them after he’s gone to work, but then in my head I say ‘if you don’t check the doors then something bad will happen’ and even if it’s 4am I have to get up to check.
What can I do? I’m so fed up. I want to enjoy the last 17 weeks, I want to stop worrying over losing the baby. I’ve been told she’s perfect so why am I worrying ?
I currently have a uti that was undetected and I have had it for possibly 4 weeks and starting antibiotics tomorrow and guess what- I’m worried it’s harmed the baby being untreated .

Hello lovely,
I’m currently 16+5 and a bit worrier like you - constantly concerned that baby isn’t ok and I’ve been able to make a worry out of something that isn’t the remote bit worrying! But it’s hard to explain to people quite what it’s like and like you’ve described some days can be quite worry free others are awful. I came to the decision that I needed to try and take control because I don’t want to have an anxious child if I can avoid it and I don’t want my worrying to rub off on them so I’ve started to have weekly counselling. People can support me but I know this is something that I need to change myself because like you, I keep thinking I want baby here so I can stop but the way it’s been the likelihood is I’ll just worry about something else.
The counselling I’m having is over video call due to the current situation but I’m still finding it really helpful to talk to someone and I’m going to carry it on for as long as I need and maybe even after baby is here. It might be something to consider even if it seems scary.
Sending a big cuddle x

Antenatal depression is common and there are services to support you if you are struggling with your mental health. Please let your midwife know how you are feeling. X

Ante natal depression and anxiety are very common conditions although less talked about than post natal depression/anxiety.

Please tell your midwife everything you’ve said here, they can refer you to the perinatal mental health team for support. You don’t need to wait until your next appointment call her. If no joy there, speak to your GP.

There is also an organisation called PANDAS who support women with ante and post natal depression and anxiety and they have a helpline you can call.

I hope you feel better soon.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this.

The fact that these anxieties and intrusive thoughts are interfering with your daily activities suggest that this is more than ‘just’ pregnancy hormones. It sounds as though you need some help and support - very common, particularly in pregnancy, and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. No professional will think any less of you, nor will they assume it will affect how you care for your baby.

When you see your midwife, explain that you’re feeling very anxious to the point where you feel you are not ok. Your midwife will have seen this hundreds of times before and will be able to advise on what to do next.

If your midwife is not helpful (bad eggs in every profession!), don’t give up. Talk to your GP, ask if there’s a perinatal mental health service in your area.

You don’t have to feel like this, your healthcare team can help. I have suffered with anxiety and depression myself and truly, truly empathise with you, it’s horrible.

While you wait for help, try and get out for some exercise once a day. Make sure you’re up, showered and dressed every day. Eat well. Treat yourself - just something small like a face mask, or a bubble bath, or a new houseplant or something! Talk to partner/friends/family. It helps and it lifts some of the pressure off your shoulders. These are all things that felt like huge tasks to me and I didn’t think they’d make a difference, but they really do. (Also medication - sertraline did wonders for me, but this is obviously a choice for you and your doc to make)

In this situation, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, exhausted and demotivated - that’s the anxiety doing that. The more you can push through, the easier it gets. Don’t be too hard on yourself - take one day at a time, but KEEP ASKING FOR AND ACCEPTING HELP.

You’re going to be ok and you’re definitely not the only person feeling like this. I needed some extra help in my first trimester and my mental health now (28 weeks) is the best it’s been in years.

Sorry again you’re feeling like this - it’s horrible and it feels like such hard work to pull yourself out of it. Let people help you! It will get better xx

@Prettylittlelady sorry you’re feeling the same , it’s so awful isn’t it. I will try and see if I can access some counselling . I hadn’t thought about the video call I assumed everywhere would be unavailable . Thank you so much.
@TwistinMyMelon thank you I wasn’t sure if I was just being silly or if it is ‘normal’ , so I was reluctant to let her know in case if just seems like I’m being over the top. I’ll Definitely mention it if you think it’s a good idea x

Thank you so much @Sunshinegirl82 I’ll take a look at that organisation
and thank you @Nelbert19 that’s brought tears to my eyes you’re so kind. I need to definitely make sure I’m up and dressed for the day and go out more . I’m scared of going out, I’m worried something bad will happen but I can’t think what it is. It’s so loud in my head . Xx ,

Here is a link to the website

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Just to help you feel better, I slept on my front for most of my 2 pregnancies because I was more comfortable that way, and didn't squash the babies. DS was a healthy 7lb13 and DD was 9lbs1oz. I know it's against advice but I couldn't survive on 2-3 hours of sleep on my back or side, plus I had Hyperemesis, so anything that helped me stop feeling sick was what I did.

I’ve been there myself, recognised a lot of what you said in your post.

Yoga, mindfulness and self care have really helped me. And that sounds really wanky and I would never have thought those are things I would find so helpful - I’m definitely not a yoga posing, yoghurt knitting, kale eating, hemp wearing type of person!!

Try the Headspace app to calm you when you’re spiralling. See if you can find a CBT course online (cognitive behavioural therapy) to help with panicky feelings. The more you manage to get up and out, the easier it gets!

You can do it - you’re stronger than some stupid brain chemicals and you’ve got a baby on the way, so you need to be fighting fit! PM me if you like, it’s nice to have someone to talk to when you’re struggling xx

Hey. I've been the same throughout my whole pregnancy and am now 25 + 1. I kept it to myself for a long time, I'm irritable, not sleeping, can't concentrate, have a constant feeling of delread and often vision giving birth to a dead baby. I have bought nothing for the baby 'just incase' something happens. It eventually got too much the other day when my midwife was supposed to call and she didn't and I had a complete meltdown, my partner made me seek help. I'm lucky enough to have private health cover that covers mental health so I phoned the service and was informed it sounded like a had pre natal anxiety, which is very common. She also informed me with lock down it will make it worse as we can no longer use our normal coping mechanisms, EG seeing friends or family when stressed, having a drink and so forth. The initial call made me feel so much better and I start phone cognitive behaviour therapy next week. Please make the call to someone as anxiety can be debilitating and there are so many services out there to help.

@OneTooManyBathtimes thank you that has helped , I guess some women don’t even know they’re pregnant and they must do all sorts of things that isn’t recommended !
@Nelbert19 doesn’t sound wanky at all, I’m definitely not a kale eater, active wear girl who pulls off any yoga pose and a messy bun but if it worked for you I’ll give it more of a go. And I’ll download calm thank you. I’d love to chat, not sure how to work out PM on here but l will try !
@feelthefear01 so sorry you’re experienced this, we are very close in dates too aren’t we , you sound very similar to me. I think I have access to bupa type care with my job but never used them before . You’re right the normal coping mechanisms aren’t possible . I’d usually go out for an iced coffee (decaf!) with friends and go shopping , go to the cinema with my husband etc but all of that is impossible.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Other very wise PPs have given some great advice. I did just want to say, re the meditation that the feeling that you can't quiet your brain down when doing it is really common. It's not really the goal, although people really often think it is. It's impossible to 'think of nothing' when meditating for the vast vast majority of people!

If you feel like giving it another go just try to take it easy on yourself. Even if all you get out of it is 15 minutes of just being quiet and doing some calming breathing then that's a success! When I first started doing mindfulness and meditation it would stress me out more as I thought I was 'doing it wrong'; you definitely aren't.

@showmethegin thank you so much I’ll make sure I try and give myself a bit of a break being so cruel to myself and just try my best, because that’s the best I can do isn’t it ? As long as I try I can’t do much more than that xx

Absolutely. I'm currently 6+4 and have been doing a daily meditation on the headspace app but used to visit a local centre to practise.

Once you realise that anything your brain is doing is fine and not, in anyway 'wrong' you may start to feel a benefit. I just try to frame that 15 minutes as a little bit of quiet positive relaxing time for me to close my eyes. If I get anything more out of it then great, but if not it doesn't matter, no harm done! Also some days it goes well and other days it doesn't, like today when my cat started flinging himself about after a bee in my living room; my mind wasn't very 'quiet' then!! Sending you lots of care.

I could have written that post. So sorry you are so worried.

I'm currently 16+1 and although I have paid for private scans at least once a week the past two months I always get really nervous if I haven't seen the baby for 3-4 days. I was anxious with my first born but NOTHING like this. I was really looking forward to being really chill this time because that is what people say they are with their second child. I am afraid of telling my midwife or GP as they will probably just find me really neurotic

I hope you feel better soon!

I've been so anxious and withdrawn for most of pregnancy so far - I'm 29 weeks now and started feeling a bit better about 3 weeks ago, but I'm still not right. I think it's just hormones for me - I can't handle this amount.

Ask for help from your midwife - mine was great and pointed me in the direction of various support places - I didn't meet the threshold for referral to mental health services. You know that your amount of worry is not normal and that everything is actually fine with your little girl. Hope you can feel better x

I am sorry you are feeling so worried. I went through a phase when I couldn't sleep at night because I would worry too much about not sleeping. Vicious circle. Lasted for years. Then I listened to this book on audible, The Worry Trick: How Your Brain Tricks You Into Expecting the Worst and What You Can Do About It
Book by David A. Carbonell
www.audible.co.uk/ep/title?asin=B01HDXDYOA&source_code=M2M30DFT1BkSH10161400FW&ds_rl=1241367&ipRedirectOverride=true

It changed my perception on things. I really recommend it. It will explain why you worry so much and what you can do about it. It's normal to worry but not excessively. There are techniques out there you can use to stop it. Once your baby is here, you will still worry about different stuff. Now is a good time to learn those techniques

Oh lovely, do speak to your midwife. Of it's any comfort I spent my entire second pregnancy constantly worrying, I had a missed miscarriage early on in my first pregnancy and spent my entire second pregnancy utterly miserable, when I felt sick I was miserable and when I didn't I was convinced I was losing her and I was also worried that my misery was harming the baby!

However, she was absolutely fine I had a brilliant birth and she was absolutely fine, a very happy baby and I felt better the moment she was born. I wish I'd asked for help because it was a truly miserable pregnancy. She's 12 now and still absolutely gorgeous.

She was born with some minor physical defects, which initially I was told might be a genetic syndrome, it wasn't, probably some random gene mutation, nothing I did. However obviously it was initially stressful. A fantastic friend had a word and pointed out that there was an infinite number of unknown things in the future that could go wrong, and really I needed to stop worrying about the future and enjoy the present.

Thanks so much everyone .
Started on my antibiotics today for my uti so I’m hoping I start to feel a tad more like me when they’re finished , but also getting anxious over the fact that I’ve used a Doppler to listen to my babies heartbeat and I know they’re safe for baby health wise just not advised to rely on them, but I have got my head in a spin about it causing damage to baby etc . I can’t shut my head up I’m driving myself mad !!
I had no reason to use it today, I can feel her moving but I just needed to hear her. I hate this 😭

You have antenatal anxiety. Try to see these thoughts and feelings as just symptoms of that rather than things that you need to pay attention to. I could reassure you about every single one of the things you're worrying about, as could anyone here, or your midwife. The problem is, your mind will find something new to worry about. The cycle of fear/reassurance just continues.

Speak to your midwife about your anxiety. There is lots that can be done. Try to keep busy and distracted too (possibly difficult at the moment), eat well and take exercise. All of these things are good for helping with anxiety as are techniques such as setting aside a 'worry hour' each day. Each time you find yourself worrying, you say to yourself 'I'll worry about that at my appointed time of 6pm'. It can help you not to be overwhelmed with constant worrying although it can take practice. I also find it useful to remind myself that the worry, whatever it is, is a symptom of the anxiety and I don't have to give it any credence at all.

Oh @GaaaaarlicBread I feel for you so much. I'm 28+2 and exactly the same. I'm actually seeing my midwife weekly now as I had a complete meltdown in front of her at around 23 weeks when I saw her for an episode of reduced movement (which wasn't actually reduced and baby was just hiding!!). I went to my 28-week appointment yesterday (different MW to my usual one) and got unbelievably upset when she wouldn't measure me (as I have fibroids) cos for a while now I've been convinced baby isn't growing properly...

I constantly worry about the sleep thing too and if I wake up on my back I go into a blind panic! I tried a pregnancy pillow to give me some support at the back but I didn't get on with it very well!

I'm also one of these people who's nervous to buy anything "just in case" - we've only just started to buy things now but it makes me very uneasy. I'm never going to be pregnant again (IVF and not going through the upheaval a 3rd time!) so I want to enjoy this pregnancy but I feel I can't as I'm so scared something's going to happen.

I can't really offer any suggestions other than what's already been said but the main thing I would say is just talk and get it off your chest - my OH is so sick of me now and thinks I'm a neurotic mess but I'd be going crackers if it wasn't for having him as a sounding board!

OP you are unwell and you need to talk to the doctor or midwife.

In a lot of places you can self-refer for CBT, try googling IAPT and the name of your area. There is usually a long waiting list but I believe pregnant women and new mothers are seen (well, you won't be seen in person but you know what I mean!) a bit quicker.

Self-care is great but I think you also need the support of a professional at this point. Please ask for it.

@Clizzie84 so sorry you’re feeling this way, and that you’re unable to enjoy your pregnancy too. Thank you for opening up to me though. It’s great you can see your midwife weekly , I wonder if my midwife will do that too if I ask? I feel like my husband is sick of me too, although he says he isn’t!
I’m feeling super sick on these antibiotics and I’ve only taken one dose so far. It’s taking me back to my morning sickness days ! I want to go for a scan for reassurance as it seems like forever until my growth scan at 37 weeks, but everywhere is shut here . I’m such a wreck !

@namechange30 thank you I will definitely seek help, I didn’t realise how bad I was until I wrote it all down here :(

We are due days apart I’m 23+4 & I have felt every fear you have felt in your OP. I think it becomes a natural thing to do, especially when you’re a mummy, to worry about everything to do with your baby. I think you really need to speak with your midwife & GP in regards to how intrusive & debilitating these thoughts can be. You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy & you need to seek help that is available to you. Your midwife should ask you how you’re feeling at your appointment, use this opportunity to really go in to detail with these thoughts as this kind of worrying isn’t completely normal.

If you’re looking for some basic support from other pregnant ladies due in august then please join this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3868881-Anyone-else-due-August-2020?noti=1&utm_source=watchedthreads&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2020-02-27&utm_term=Mumsnet%3A+New+message+on+thread+Anyone+else+due+August+2020%3F&rei=1106772

The ladies on here have definitely helped me with my normal worries & it’s nice to know that others feel the way you do.

My MH took a dive when pregnant with DC2. What helped was everytime I had a horrible thought, remind myself this was just my normal protective instincts going a bit too far. I did have some horrible dreams, a very long hug was the only thing that helped then. Hugs increase oxytocin which has a calming effect.

In the end I went overdue and was a wreck frankly. Took the day 1 minute at a time, focused on basics like eating healthily and taking a shower, going for a short walk. Stayed off Google! And listened to the midwife.

Hope you get what you need.