Stupid offensive things people say by accident

[morethanmum]

I have got to get this off my chest - sorry. We are having tests etc (amnio at 32 wks 2mrw) as the baby poss is mentally disabled. We haven't told many people. I am so sick of the casual way people drop insults about 'slow', 'simple' etc children into conversations. Obv they don't know, but this morning a friend said she didn't like a baby name bacause the only one she knew was simple, which 'tends to put you off a bit'. Grrr.

I understand what you mean, but wouldn't class "slow" and "simple" as necessarily being offensive. Parents of people with learning diificulties may take offence at you using the tearm "mentally disabled".

Anyway, if friends don't know about your situation, I think you are asking a lot of them to be sensitive to feelings they don't know you have....and people are put off names by experiences of people who have those names

We were told 'mentally disabled' - can't think of a nicer way of putting it. Just find it really stressful that society seems to think it's okay to be negative about people who 'aren't all there' (another phrase). I feel like it's going to be my child that people are dismissing like that.

Do you mind me asking what the tests are for?

Ventricular megalomy. (sp?) The MRI was to check the size of the holes in the skull (I think) and the amnio is to check for chromosomal disorders.

people are dismissive about so many things, though, not just mental ability, and they're not likely to be rude to your face if your child does have a problem.

Sympathies, though. This must be a worrying time.

Oh, not one I have heard of.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Have you rung the ante natal results helpline? They were lovely when we thought our child was going to have a problem. It helped that we knew we were having a boy as the problem in question was more common in girls.

I should do that. I've chatted to the screening nurse a bit, and she's really helpful. It just feels so frustrating to hear people be almost superior - their kids are ok etc - I just never hear comments about physically disabled people in the same casual way. It's not really the word 'slow' more the way it's used. God, I'm really touchy about this, aren't I!
Was your son okay, NAB3?

Our son was okay, which we are grateful for, but I almost felt cheated as I had expected a child with different needs and he wasn't like that.

But until this happened to you, weren't you exactly the same? It's now totally natural that you have become sensative to it but I don't think you can expect others to be the same (especially if they don't know) or alternatively they'll always be walking on eggshells around you, never quite at ease.

I teach a deaf lad, and a boy in the same class said to his friend, 'Don't shout, I'm not deaf' which in another class would have gone unnoticed. Or for instance we are not meant to use the term 'brain storm' when thinking through a problem, in respect to ppl with epilepsy.

Good luck with your tests tomorrow.

Yes I was, it's just brought it home to me that these people will somehow think less of my child . Don't think your reaction is weird at all re having a 'normal' child - dh and I are so involved with the whole testing thing it would be strange to find it was all for nothing.

People do it because they are relieved (it's not them) frightened (it might be them/could have been them) and so we group people under headings: 'snobby' 'slow' 'posh' 'black' 'yobs' and they do it because they don't understand.

Grouping people in this way creates security because it defines people by type and is thus easier to set yourself apart from the 'type'.

This is why when people get to know a black person or a gay person, for example, on a personal level they don't often have a problem with being friends with that person but yet still persecute the group, i.e. 'gays' or 'blacks' in minor and soemtimes major ways. The fear is irrational and this is why we have to define it by lumping together groups of people under certain names - almost like containing the fear.

This is what I reckon anyway.

It isn't personal, it is upsetting but people do it because they don't understand. It won't stop people from loving your child so long as you cut through the crap and show them that their ignorance is the only thing to be worried about.

That's really helpful - thankyou. Hadn't really thought of it like that.

as ds was adopted I am particularly sensitive when people talk about thier "own" children or "natural" children. I even have my own little foible when people say "your DS is adopted" No, he was adopted in teh same way that your child was born. He isn;t being adopted ever minute of the day for the rest of his life (well he is, but... oh OK its complicated!)

I have learnt to wince but not say anything unless I think people really need correcting in which case I do it with a smile and just a "I prefer the term "birth" mother to "real" mother, otherwise I feel like his pretend mother!"

And people really do say to me that they couldn't love a child they hadn't given birth to. They couldn't imagine why I really have absolutely no need for that pointless fact to impinge on my day!

agree on that one. dd was adopted by dh when we met and I find it really irritating when people say how good he is with her - as if that's saintly or something. we use 'biological' to really emphasise the difference...

People do think that children with learning disabilities are vegetables. And if you suggest your learning disabled child is actually quite smart despite their learning difficulties, people (generally those without much hands on experience, although they may be medics/health professionals etc) think you're in denial.

I recommend anything written by Douglas Biklen (Bilken agh can't remember) as a wonderful anecdote.

When will you get the results? Will you have to wait until 35 weeks for the full set of amnio results.

i think that you will find your friends and family will adore your baby and will learn how to say the right things over time - although they might not be as up to date or as switched on as you at first

i think this is why parents try to meet other parents in similar situations so offensive comments are avoided and you can get on with enjoying your families without treading on eggshells - i hope you get to meet lots of parents on the same wavelength

gess, I think you're being rather offensive about "people"

your words are clearly coloured by experience, but you can't mean all people, surely ?

Well obviously not all, which was why I said generally people without hands on experience.

If you're asking me whether I think there is a lot of predjudice towards people with learning disabilities? Yes I do. I have been told (by health professionals) that I was imagining my son doing certain things (even when he did it in front of the person concerned all that resulted in was a 'harumph'), I have had people tell others that I am in denial (because I was arguing that he should receieve SALT) apparently he shouldn't receiev SALT as he 'isn't capable of anythying". I have had an old LSA tell me that it wasn;t fair that ds1 should go to special school and have lots of money spent on him because he was never going to do anything in his life so what was the point. I have heard a nursery teacher tell another mother there was no point celebrating the Queens jubilee at her SN needs because 'they don't understand anything anyway do they?'.

It runs very very deep. I read a book last week that completely challenged my views about Down's Syndrome (a condition I know little about), and made me realise that I had my own set of predjudices.

But yes I have repeatedly found that 'people' do think that having a learning disability means being incapable.

I had to wait 6 years to hear a professional (ds1's special school teacher) say that he felt there 'is a lot going on in there". I had to wait 8 years to hear him described (by our programe consultant) as "a smart boy".

However offesive I am being about the general public (and actually I don't think I am, the people who have worked with us and think that ds1 is capable can be counted in sginle figures- when someone says something about his capabilities I ring a friend to tell them its so bloody rare) it pales into insignificance when I think of how offensive people have been about him. Often in front of him.

Ges - my DS is a little slow to talk (he's not 2 yet so no real problem yet) and people often say to me - "Gosh he's really as bright as a button isn't he?" as his unedrstanding is really very good.

Funny how some people can understand that a toddler not communicating can have "a lot going on in there" but not an older child with problems communicating.

I once assisted a teenager with severe CP, unable to speak and communicated via bliss board. It was always a revelation to anyone that she had a sense of humour and managed to commicate it with more economy than any of the rest of us could manage!

gess, I do think that people are dismissive and your experience sounds horrible. I am hoping that help wise we are in wiser times (?) . I find it hard not to snap at these people with their comments; Tissy, I know most people don't hold prejudices if they actually think about it seriously, it's just hard to hear things said like 'I know he's got a mental age of 10, but honestly he should behave better' (same friend) when I'm thinkinbg that will probably be my child.
Don't know when the amnio results come through, but the MRI should be today.

People do say stupid things and they feel hurtful especially when they are about things that are sensitive.In my experience it doesn't really get any better, but then as other posters have said, there are plenty of other subjects one can be sensitive about too! I have a little boy with global developmental delay, people say stupid things about him, stupid things about me and my parenting and stupid things about his younger siblings. Some people however have a gift for saying just the right thing to support and these are the relationships to nurture! Since my son was diagnosed I have removed myself from friendships where people repeatedly say stupid hurtful things, however |I now have some lovely friends who either also have a child with special needs or just seem to have the ability to accept DS as he is.Even though I am quite a private person, I have learnt to be even more selective with what I share with people and conversations I engage in.
Sorry that you are going through a difficult time though, and hope you can find enough support from people to help you through it.

Thankyou. Off to pick ds up and then hospital. Some really kind things said, and will take heart/ stop being so sensitive/ avoid irritating people (difficult in case of MIL...)

Agree - it does sort out the friendships Hope the mri results were 'good'.

morethanmum - yes, suddenly when your beloved child is implicated in a phrase or sentence, however 'innocent' or benignly oblivious the intentions, it goes deep and stirs up ferocious mother-lion tendencies, I find!

I lost track of the number of people who said 'as long as they have 10 fingers and toes...' about new babies when DS was born - without one of the bones in his leg and sporting 4 toes in his small foot! That was insignificant in terms of the level of assumption and lack-of-eduation in the general public about learning difficulty, and I was able to laugh to myself. But the lack of tact out there can be astounding sometimes. gear up with some answers, as kewcumber has done.