Getting pregnant at 40

[Bumblebee1980a]

Hello,

For various reasons I gave birth to my first baby at 36. He's amazing and I absolutely adore him. The problem I have is that I'm nearly 40 (I am an only child) so I'm worried that my Ds will grow up with no family. I really want to give him a sibling but my partner who I'm engaged to won't even entertain it. In fact he has said after lockdown that he wants to live on his own. I've recently met up with my childhood sweetheart (we bumped into each other) and he is going through a divorce too. He really is a decent man. Do I leave my current relationship and make a go of this one? What's stopping me is my current fiancé is in charge of the house and bills as I cut my career short to have our baby and be a stay at home mum. I've tried so hard to make it work with him but he just says he's want to be single and buy an expensive car. It's seems to be all he's interested in.

Wow. So you don’t leave him just because you want another baby as that may not happen and it’s awful to just use the new man if you don’t love him just to have a baby and he may not want one. On the other hand you do leave current partner if you don’t love him which should be made easy by the fact he cares more about a car than his current child and wife. He can’t “just be single” as he has responsibilities to parent his 4 year old no matter what and this needs to be made clear to him regardless . And at 4 your kid will be going to school soon so if w second child doesn’t happen you may want to think about reentering the workforce very soon so being a SAHM should not be the determinant in your decision,

Okay. I agree I have made some very cowish posts. I flirt between being very nice and very arsy as I have mental health issues and often fly from one end of the spectrum to the other . If you really want a second child I hope your dream does happen for you. Equally the childhood sweetheart deserves his dreams too and I agree it was very judgmental of me to assume you would be using him. I hope you get better advice from others but remember you are empowered to male the choice.

In my experience having mental health issues enables you to give more empathy and judge less. Trust me I'm not 'using' anybody I'm just too tried to elaborate and probably shouldn't have posted tonight. Also I'm not just a sahm I'm a professional which I've worked very hard for.

Anyway thank you for being a little kinder. I need it at the moment - as do most people on here I imagine.

Hi - no personal experience to share - but your question has two parts and I will give you my thoughts in case it helps clarify things for you.

1. Do I leave my current relationship - well, your fiancé has said he wants to be single, and move out once lockdown is over, so I’m actually not sure you have a choice about it as it sounds like the relationship is over anyway. You could try to work on it if you want to- but are you happy with him? Do you see yourself happy with him forever?
2. ... and make a go of this one? - strikes me as being a rebound reaction that may cause hurt. That’s not to say it can’t work out with your childhood sweetheart, but be cautious about jumping in too quickly - your first decision needs to be whether you want to work on the relationship with your fiancé, and if not then you’ll need to spend some time sorting things out. Consider remaining friends with the possible new man but be cautious about starting something before you know what you want.

Wanting another baby is understandable - but don’t do it just to give your child a sibling. your 4 year old will be happier overall if you are happy, and having another child won’t fix the problems in your current relationship and may cause any new relationship to come unstuck if it is too soon.

Might be worth posting on relationships instead of pregnancy as your questions seem more suited for there? You’ll get lots of helpful advice I’m sure.

I think you gotta do what's right for you. Your fiancé is thinking about himself and the life he wants and that is that of a single man. So you need to start making plans, how will you manage financially and where will you live etc. Its a lot to think about but you can do it. And if you want another baby that feeling will not go away until you have that baby.... So ye, start testing the water with the new guy /old flame. Could be he is wanting exactly what you are.
I really believe in fate when it comes to these things. And the universe has a funny way of making things happen. First step is freeing yourself from the fiancé.

It's sounds like your relationship with your current partner is already over in his mind - he says he wants to be single and he wants to live on his own after lockdown? If you are currently in lockdown together and have nowhere else to go I would probably wait until the restrictions are lifted before you have this out with him as finding somewhere else to live might not be that easy right now and it might be difficult to live together after having an emotional argument about your relationship.

What do you mean, "he's in charge of the house"? Is it his house or half yours? Is your partner going to leave or will he expect you to? It sounds like you want to leave and it's only the money situation stopping you?

40 isn't too late to have a baby, I had my second at 44. There are lots of women who conceive after 40. If a baby is what you really want, you could still start a new relationship with someone else and have another baby. You still have a chance.

Some good advice above. Your fiance sounds like a right areshole. I walked away from my marriage with a 2 year old. It was scary but I bought somewhere that I could afford and manage on my salary and nothing is worse for a child than being in a toxic household. Het CSA involved so he pays correctly and let him go have his sad mid life crisis.

I would not be starting anything new u less it just happens naturally. Having a baby really early in a relationship you don't even know will work yet is a very stressful thing and you could end up on your own. However, if that is something you would take on happily as the desire for another child overrides a relationship then go for it, but you need to be upfront with the new partner about it as would be very unfair to be trying to conceive without him knowing or having a say. You could go it alone completely and take the men out of the equation which would be fairer than the man not wanting a child.

My son is now 10 and I have never felt he wasn't enough or that he needed a sibling or was missing out.

I am now pregnant with my partner and we are getting married and been together now 7 yrs. Tbh we tried to get pregnant about 4 yes ago and had one miscarriage and then nothing. I was happy with thinking the ship had sailed and it was just us and then preggers!

I know there is a tick tock but big decisions like that should not be made when you are in an emotional place.

Sending hugs. You know what is best for you and no-one else, but like people on here I would look at your finances and be ready to make the break and a new happy life with your son after lockdown. You deserve more than this guy. X