Pregnant... in my forties... autistic husband. Help!

[Purbeckgirl]

Hello everyone,

My husband and I tried for a baby for a long time, it never happened and we resigned ourselves to the fact it never would, so gave up actively trying.

However, realising my period was more than a week late, I did two tests yesterday and they were both clearly positive. I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous marriage. My husband has never had children. Finding I'm pregnant, even though it's something we wanted, has clearly come as a huge shock to him.

He has Asperger's and finds it hard to talk about anything that involves emotions. At the moment he seems to be clamming up and denying to himself that it's happened. He's not mentioned it at all since I told him, and if I do he just smiles nervously and changes the subject.

There's also the fact that I'm in my forties and overweight, so the chance of miscarriage is quite high. Based on his previous reactions to situations, I think this means he won't allow himself to think about the possibility that we may have a baby in 35 weeks time!

He's had barely 24 hours to get used to this so I'm not going to push him to talk about it at all ... but how can I support him and help him to get used to the idea without causing him to panic? Any ideas would be appreciated - thank you.

Hi, OP. I'm also in my 40s and overweight, and only 6 weeks so a bit nervous about it all! I think initially I would just give him a bit of time to process it, and see how it goes over the next couple of days? I think it's really reasonable to be freaked out - this is my third pregnancy and each time despite actively trying for a baby my first reaction has been frozen, numbing terror before excitement has crept through. So I think it's OK for him to have mixed feelings although I can imagine that you feel a bit alone too.

Thank you, that's really reassuring! You're right - I'll let it rest for a few days before I mention it again.

I'm itching to tell someone though, might have to swear my best friend to secrecy!

My DH has never been diagnosed but he is very obviously aspergers. I nearly cried with relief when I read up on it as it explained his behaviour and emotional reactions perfectly. The lengthy monologues and I've sides conversations on very specific subjects the inability to recognise when people are bored or trying to get away. The inability to show or receive emotion appropriately etc etc etc. Anyway.... So when I first became pregnant (planned) he was awful. I remember at the time I told him he was in the garden and he just kind of did an embarrassed smile and carried on with what he was doing and proceeded to give me the breakdown analysis of how he'd mended something or other. He'd stress about being late scans (even though we weren't late) and then as soon as its over he'd change the subject to something dry and unrelated. He showed no interest in my pregnancy and birth and basically emotionally withdrew. I'll be honest - I thought he was emotionally abusive. He did ruin my pregnancy. We weren't allowed to talk about names. I think he saw it as 'silly talk' he never really acknowledged I was pregnant. But now looking back I realise he was hyper anxious about it and the changes that were occurring and he didn't know how to cope in his own head or express it to me. (I don't forgive that but I do think it's the truth) right so.... Baby was born and he was the best most loving dad he could ask for. So attentive and involved. Handheld pregnancy of dd much better (think he had learned) although still wasn't interested in feeling kicks etc. And once again was the perfect father. I can't really fault him too much much as a dad. He's come on a long way since then and has definitely learnt to express himself a little better. So I understand your frustrations and he may not get too excited about the pregnancy but he may surprise you when your little baby is born. Congratulations by the way