Lack of support after miscarriage

[MinesALatte]

Hi all,

I don’t really know where to turn. In February I posted this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3819994-Faint-positive-line?msgid=93857945&utm_source=mentions&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2020-02-12&utm_term=Mumsnet%3A+New+message+on+thread+How+long+did+it+take+you+to+get+pregnant+after+a+miscarriage%3F+Prettylittlelady+mentioned+you+on+thread+How+long+did+it+take+you+to+get+pregnant+after+a+miscarriage%3F+on+2020-04-28+22%3A14%3A03+&rei=1136086#93857945%7D
As I was having many faint line pregnancy tests - not realising that a faint line is a positive line! I think I did about five over the course of a few days.
I had a doctors appointment booked for something else but when I went there (with my partner) we talked about these faint lines. She told me how far gone I was based on my last period etc but said not to get my hopes up until about 10 weeks and that 1/3 of pregnancies end in early miscarriage.

At some point over the next week, I came on.

I am still devastated. We tried again straight away and that didn’t work which hit me hard.

Anyway, the reason for my post is my partner is being beyond unsupportive. Things he has said:

• you weren’t even sure you were pregnant
• the doctor told you not to get excited until 10 weeks
• the doctor told you 1/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage
• with everything that’s going on with Coronavirus at the minute... (I’ve not let him finish that sentence as don’t want to hear ‘it’s probably a good thing’

He’s even just corrected me because I said I was six weeks but he said ‘it was five’.

All of that hurts, it’s a physical pain when he says that. I’m really struggling with the fact that I have to constantly justify not only my grief but I have to argue with him that I was actually pregnant. Right now I should have a scan photo and a lovely bump and I have nothing and it kills me how he responds to my grief.

I’m so sorry for the lengthy post, in a way I just needed to vent but also I need some advice. Thank you

Men have weird psychology. There are two potential things here. One which a lot of posters will say would be him being an arse. But many men also say things like this to rationalise their own grief or guilt of lack of grief to themselves. I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there anyone else you can speak to to process your feelings and then come back to more serious conversations with him on those?

Did the doctor do a blood test to check for or confirm a pregnancy?

It may just be that he thinks there was no pregnancy so nothing to mourn. Men can be very literal.

Hi, I came across your post and I had to reply. Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss. I had two miscarriages last year, one at 4 weeks and one at 5/6 weeks. I was devastated. My advice would be, give yourself time to grieve and never feel guilty about it. No one will ever understand what you are personally going through. Allow yourself to cry and get angry, it's totally ok and it helps you to move on.

Secondly, I totally understand what you're going through with your partner. My husband was exactly the same. Men are just wired so differently to us women. Him rationalising everything is just his way of dealing with the situation and trying to remain strong for you.
My husband and I had countless arguments where I would be annoyed at him for not understanding why I was getting upset.
He just hated to see me upset and he felt that playing down the pregnancy was just him trying to be positive and strong.

I hope this helps you

This is probably going to sound awful of my DH but he has admitted that he really didn’t understand my grief following my miscarriages, he just didn’t get it. I had two missed miscarriages before our DS was born so both discovered at the 12 week scan. I’d love to say DH was supportive and loving but he just always seemed so distant and almost uncaring. It did very nearly break our relationship. To him, it was ‘just an embryo’ and we could always try for another which we obviously did and were successful the third time. To me, it was obviously a baby or at least going to be our baby and it totally devastated me.

He admits he’d only have a grasp on the loss in a stillbirth situation but early miscarriages, not so much. Sounds rather cold of him but I guess men don’t experience the physical changes so perhaps don’t bond as quickly as we do.

The problem is, is that from the moment we see those two pink lines, it's a baby to us. Your future flashes before you and you can see yourself and your partner becoming parents.
We feel the change in our bodies, the kicks, everything.
Men just don't have the connection that we do with being pregnant x

Sorry for your loss. I’ve had six miscarriages so I do know how you feel.

My husband has never been as upset by them as I have. The only one that has really hit him was a missed miscarriage where we rocked up to my booking scan expecting to see a baby and there was no heartbeat- he was so upset by that we almost stopped trying altogether.

We spend so much time on forums like these where ‘any line is a line’ and people talk about being 4 wks pregnant. But my husband needs a blazing positive, a period that’s two weeks late and me to be on my knees with morning sickness before he will even begin to acknowledge a pregnancy.

I think the people saying it’s their husbands are just trying to support them in their own way are being kind. To be honest I don’t think these losses do register with men in the same way as they do with us. There’s a level of disconnect for them until there is tangible evidence of our pregnancy.

I have found that seeking support on forums such as this with people who better understand my feelings has been a lot better for me than trying to force my husband to feel something he doesn’t.

I have always focused on my next cycle and on exercising, eating well and generally trying to do everything I can to optimise my body for pregnancy - it gives me something positive to focus on rather than thinking about what I’ve lost.

Sending you lots of hugs. I hope you get your sticky bean soon.

Hi all,

So sorry for the late reply, things have been a bit mad.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and for your advice, it means so much and is helpful to know my other half isn’t the only one out there reacting like this.

Moo678 - your story is heartbreaking (if you don’t mind me saying so). Well done for the strength you have to keep going and keep picking yourself up. I am so sorry for all your losses, especially the missed one at the scan, I can’t begin to imagine how you computed that.

Samantha11k - you’ve hit the nail on the head. Those two lines changed my life, I’d planned too much after seeing those (especially given I’d waited a year to see them!). I’d planned when we’d tell parents, etc etc. He would’ve barely thought about anything. I’m so sorry for your losses too, I do feel like I’m getting stronger and able to move on from it so I guess time is helping, but the longer I go on not falling pregnant the harder it feels sometimes, feels so unfair.

Umnoway - it doesn’t sound awful, it’s actually quite comforting that he was so honest with you. My other half just couldn’t decide if he agreed I was pregnant or not which was so hurtful as I truly was, just not for long. He then went on to have a go at me when I said ‘my loss’ he asked why it wasn’t ‘our loss’ which baffles me given I had to convince him I was pregnant!

LouiseTrees - sadly I don’t feel he’s saying anything to rationalise his own grief as he’s not grieving. I am coming to terms with the fact that men are wired differently, and also children were never part of his plan, he had never considered them before me and so I know if we never have them his life won’t be affected, but obviously mine would. He’s very laid back, too laid back sometimes. Five minutes after discovering I had miscarried he was walking around the bedroom whistling away because it just didn’t bother him.

With all that being said, we’ve tried again this month so fingers crossed.

Thank you all again

Glad we could all help in one way or another. Fingers crossed for you for this month.

Remember to take care of yourself, it's so difficult when you're TTC because it takes over your life if you let it. Enjoy yourself and your life and it will happen x

I'm sorry you went through that and that he has dismissed your feelings. I had a similar experience with my ex when I miscarried at 10 weeks. I remember one day not long after I was crying and he stood in front of me and said "it's just a bunch of cells", all I wanted was a hug. I never saw him in the same light again ( there were other issues too) hence he is an ex. I hope you are getting the support you need now, be kind to yourself as conceiving after a miscarriage is happy but also anxiety inducing time.