Aged 41 with 2 kids now pregnant with twins

[dairylee1003]

Hi, this is my first ever post (pretty much on any forum ever!), so go easy on me. The fact that i'm turning to random people for advice speaks volumes about where my head is currently at!
I'm 41yo and currently 13 weeks pregnant with twins (due in Nov). I also have a 10yo & 7yo. This current pregnancy was planned. I had a surprise pregnancy back in Nov which sadly ended in miscarriage, so my partner and I decided to go ahead and try again for a 3rd child. It was obviously a complete shock to find out i'm expecting twins.
We are not in a great financial situation. My 2 kids currently share a room as my partner works from home so he needs the third bedroom as an office. His work is in IT and involves a lot of HUGE computer monitors and it also requires him to take exams fairly regularly so really needs somewhere he can shut the door and be away from the chaos of the house.
If we go ahead with this pregnancy there is no doubt that we will have to move to a much larger house with a much larger mortgage. We are solely reliant on my partners income, so he is feeling an immense amount of pressure about this. He is 46yo and is despairing at the idea of having to work so hard to support 4 kids. He worries about how having 2 kids will affect our older 2 as we will have no extra money for them to do activities / pay for school trips etc as most of our income will be going on the mortgage. He is also worried about what would happen if he lost his job, as it is often the older employees who are made redundant when cuts are made and it's harder for them to find a new job as people employ younger (cheaper) staff. How would we then pay the mortgage? We could end up losing our home. My partner is a naturally stressed person, he worries about absolutely everything - it is just his nature. But i can't help think that he does have a point about all of this. It is a massive risk for us to take at our age, and that's before i even get my head around the actual reality of dealing with twins!
My partner is acting as though we have been cursed with this. He can't see anything positive about our situation and he thinks if we go ahead with this pregnancy it will ruin our lives. He is not telling me he thinks we should terminate the pregnancy and on the whole he is being supportive. But i love my partner, he is a good, kind man and whilst i would seriously struggle with making a decision to terminate, I'm also not sure if i can go ahead with the pregnancy if my partner is going to be so unhappy.
Sorry for so much info, but just want to give as much background as possible. My head is in an absolute spin with all of this and time is ticking. Please don't judge us, at a time where we should be happy we just feel like this is an impossible situation. All advice, thoughts etc gratefully received. Thx for listening :)

Do you have a garage you can turn into an office?

Could hubby maybe rent a small lockable office in a business centre or is there an office which he can start to go into. Would definitely free up that room and you wouldn’t have to move.

I struggle to WFH as have two older kids (10 and 13). If we ended up with twins with this pregnancy we would cope with the space we have but would probably end up swapping bedrooms and getting rid of some wardrobes etc when the twins got older.

Are you in the biggest bedroom? Could you swap with the kids?

Congratulations I'm always one for believing that where there's a will, there's a way, and that some things are meant to be. I have no practical advice but I'm sure many will be along with practical solutions. I hope you find a way that works for you all and that things are easier for you soon

could you set up a ‘writers shed’ type thing in your garden for your DH to WFH in? That would free up an extra bedroom and save you from having to move.

Alternatively, could you play around with the bedrooms - if you’re in the largest room, could you move into a smaller room bedroom and partition the larger room to make two spaces for two kids rooms?

Honestly, having twins is no different from having one. If you were happy to have another one then two shouldn't be too different. Where were you planning on putting the new baby before you found out it was twins? 2 babies don't take up much more room than 1 baby.

I think it is just the shock talking (I remember what that was like after finding out I was pregnant with twins after already having a 3 and 1 year old!! All teens now but we managed).

I'm always one for believing that where there's a will, there's a way, and that some things are meant to be.

I also believe in this. It will be fine just give yourselves time to get used to the idea

Planned pregnancy and a bonus baby... Win win imo...

You don't need a much larger house and larger mortgage, there are other ways to get him an office space. then you can have two children in each bedroom.
If the garden is big enough an office room out there, or convert the garage, don't panic.
garden offices
build your own

It's bound to be cheaper than moving

@dairylee1003
I can appreciate your shock, I had twins for my third pregnancy when my oldest two were 2 and 4, we also ran a business from home, I'm not going to lie to you it was hard work, I couldn't walk from about 20w because of SPD. Having said that the first year with them was much easier than the pregnancy. I had an enormous amount of help in order to manage, at least your older two are not toddlers

Would you not have needed the third bedroom even if it was just 1 child or were you planning on just keeping them in with you?

Is there a reason you can't get a job too to take some of the pressure off your husband?

Hi, firstly congratulations.

I think there are loads of solutions to making space in a smaller house as pp have said.

If he needs quiet for his work / study, he can always do study in the local library. Could he also make a space in your current bedroom as an office space and then you agree not to go in during the day if possible?

It sounds like you'll need to look for a job once your maternity leave is over... would that help bring some more money in..?

Congratulations on your twins. What was the plan for space and sleeping arrangements when you decided to try for a third? Could your partner move his office equipment to your bedroom and free up the third bedroom? Do you have a garage or shed you could kit out as an office?

Twins is a big shock but it sounds like with your current situation it was going to be tight for space and money with 3 kids anyway so if your partner was okay with that then you can make it work with an extra one.

Didnt want to read and run as I am a twin whose siblings are 7 and 10 years older than me!
My mum has since told me that we were unplanned and when she found out she was going to have twins, both her and my dad panicked big time.
He quit his stable job and set up his own accountancy firm. It was a gamble but, luckily, it paid off.
My twin brother and I shared a room until 8 or 9 and then he went in with my eldest brother.
My older brothers didnt have a lot to do with my twin brother and I growing up as we were at quite different life stages but now we are all very, very close (I just turned 30).

Congratulations on your pregnancy. That must have been a shock! I would agree that financially there isn't much of a difference between having 1 or 2 babies, especially if you don't work and there are no childcare fees involved. Young children generally don't cost much (apart from childcare) so your older children should still be able to do their activities before the twins start wanting to do their own. I do understand being worried about having twins in general, but your other children are older now which will make is easier.
I don't have any more wise ideas for helping your partner's work situation, but I would question what big differences there would be between 1 new baby and 2, and maybe then you will both remember why you decided to try for one in the first place and perhaps realise it can be done :)

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say congratulations on your twins. I am also very sorry to hear of your miscarriage last year.
Although you and your partner are under considerable stress and worried about how you will cope financially I think you should remember you both wanted another child. I know twins are more than you bargained for but try and see this pregnancy as a blessing. Please don’t feel pressured into a termination, from what you have said you would regret this immensely.

My suggestions would be to seek some financial advice, maybe citizens advice online would be a good place to start.

Plus before considering moving house, is there anyway you could extend your house? As others have mentioned an outbuilding or extension which could be used as your partners office? This would be much cheaper than moving house. Maybe consider partially remortgaging the house to enable you to do this.
If this is not possible, after lockdown is over could your partner work from a friend or relatives spare room if they live nearby as an alternative?

Does your partners work have any kind of confidential counselling scheme? It sounds like he needs more support to deal with stresses and so do you.

There are always other ways to look at things, even though times are really tough at the moment try and remain positive. I wish you and your family the best of luck going forward.

Hi OP,
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Have a look at your existing home, and see if you can add some extra space at limited cost. As PP have suggested, loft conversion, garage conversion, small extension, home office in the garden. Or is there a property which wouldn’t require such a big Mortgage to do these things too?
I work as an architect, and have a number of times found “space” or solutions for people in your circumstances. Just try to worry to much.
Is there a hobby you enjoy, which you could do, to get a bit of extra money? Crafting? Ironing? So you WFH and have A little bit of Extra money?

Firstly, congratulations!

I wanted to just make a.comment on space, as we have a larger family in a small house.

We have a 2 bed house, 3 boys and our 4th on the way. 2 double bedrooms. They will all be sharing till at the earliest I return to work full time and can afford a larger property. I have a studio in the garden, I got a shed from tiger sheds. Pretty affordable, insulated it, boarded it and got a cheap carpet offcut. Cost me about 1000 all in to do it well. Nice in winter with a little heater etc. Defo consider maybe making a office space like that to free up that space. Its plenty big enough and holds all my equipment etc.

I had twins for my third. It’s lovely, so I’d say if you could manage one more two will be ok.

Thank you all for taking the time to offer your advice and suggestions (and also for the congratulations!)
There's definitely some food for thought here! I'd not considered renting office space for him, that could definitely be a possibility for the short term at least, until we're in a better position to move. And as some have mentioned, we were going to have to consider a move at some point with just one extra child.
Please keep your thoughts coming, it's definitely helping me see that there are options available... now to convince my OH! Thx :)

Oh bless you OP. We have twins who are now 3.5, both have disabilities. We have been wanting to try for a third but the idea of more twins scares me to death to be honest! I was your DH when I found out it was twins - I didn’t see anything positive about having two at once, it filled me with absolute terror and that was without existing children. And it has been bloody tough especially with their additional needs but now I can’t even imagine having just one, and the fact we want another shows it is survivable.

We have a space issue too (we only have two bedrooms and their room won’t accommodate the two safe beds they need plus DH works from home, plus we really could use some kind of safe therapy room for the twins).

Our options are:
Loft extension and move them into our larger room, spare room as office or new baby room
Move house
Also looking at a garden room for additional space

I appreciate this is so daunting and I can empathise with your DH massively. But your kids are a good age to have more children, they can be helpful and get involved. I would not recommend you finding a job until they turn 3 at least (childcare for twins is brutal and there’s generally no help until they turn 3 unless you qualify for benefits) but then you could. Or you could look for something very part time - I’ve had a very flexible job ideal for having young children, only 20 hours a month but well paid for that, which has made a big difference

What was your plan if you had one baby? As PP have said, look into room allocation, an extension, external office, a fancy she'd to provide more space. Are you a SAHP? Could you pick up some work after maternity leave? Have you got insurance in case DH loses his job and so the mortgage would be covered in the short term while he looked for something else?

Give the twins the office and set up the office space in your own bedroom - at least that what we decided to do and it works fine for us.

Yes we do the same - DH works in our bedroom. Not stylish but it works.