I don't want this pregnancy

[SophieElizabeth1]

Hi I'm Sophie, I'm 25 and married with a 2 year old little boy.
I found out around a month ago I was pregnant with our 2nd child.
Immediately I was filled with fear and regret, I wasn't ready and was incredibly worried about how we would manage with 2 children.
My husband was excited and soon told his family about the news.
I was really down about finding this out for quite some time, I really struggled to get my head around it.
After a week or two I managed to deal with it but still wasn't particularly happy about it.
I had my first midwives appointment yesterday and I could feel myself getting emotional whilst speaking about it and today I feel just as bad as when I found out.
I'm just not ready to have another child but feel dreadful about looking at abortion because I don't want anyone to feel upset by my decision. I'm lost I don't know what to do or who to speak to.
Any advice would be great :(

Let’s start with: What you are experiencing is totally normal.

Your hormones are all over the place at the moment and if anyone tells you that they weren’t filled with dread at some point then I’d say they’re lying!

Can I ask did you have a good birth? suffer with PND?

I would be frank with your husband and tell him how you are feeling. You will probably feel better with some reassurance from your husband.

Xx

You're not alone. I've seen lots of threads from 2nd and 3rd time mums to be with the exact same fears and worries.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you are feeling? Can the midwife refer you to someone professional to talk to? Don't bury this inside.

Of course you have options here but my only advice would be to not make any rash decisions and to find someone you can talk to about why you're feeling this way.

Firstly can I I just say thank you for responding to my post, I really appreciate it :)
I had a totally normal birth and was absolutely fine afterwards.
The only worry I have is he was happy about it and has told his family, I don't want to shatter his happiness. He did ask me when we found out if I wanted to terminate the pregancy but I said no because I thought it would get better with time.
I think the midwives said yesterday they could refer me to some mental health services as I did mention when I found out I found it difficult to deal with it but I dismissed it yesterday as I thought I had come to terms with it. But today it appears I haven't.
It's been in the back of my mind ever since we found out, but I just carry on being a mum and don't really think about it.

Sophie, I'm so sorry you feel sad, it's such an emotional time but it's good that you are able to talk about it with us and your midwife. Hormones have a lot to answer for too! Do you know what is worrying you the most? Are you concerned about the impact on your first baby or worried that you won't be able to cope with 2? Does pregnancy scare you? Or a combination of everything? X

I felt like this would be the best place to speak about it as I feel guilty.
My main worries are being financially ready for another child, it would involved finding a new house and big changes for my little boy. Then I had back surgery in February, it was a huge rush I went in for an mri on the Tuesday and by the Friday I had the surgery and I am worried about physically carrying another baby. Then looking after two children and trying to run a household and still working part time to keep the money coming in. I want to be able to provide the best of everything for my children and i thought by the time I had another baby we would be in a better position and were not really. Just a mixture of things.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband about how you are feeling. I'm sure some of these questions have run through his head too, and if not then you can discuss it all together. Don't worry about letting others down, you need to make a decision about how to proceed, and I'm sure they'll only want the best for your family in the long term.

I think you should talk to your midwife again as well and see if you can get referred for the mental health services. They can talk you through everything and will be impartial. Did your midwife say anything about your recent op and how your body will cope?

It's really good you're talking about how you are feeling. It will help you to process these thoughts. We're all here to listen and help where we can.

Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. I would probably consider accepting the midwife’s offer to refer you to mental health and that could help you in terms of discussing options or giving you advice on how to cope with 2 children/wrap your head around it.

Also I feel for you with the back surgery. My DH had back surgery when we had a newborn and it was really tough. Are your doctors concerned about that in relation to the pregnancy?

I’m pregnant with my second baby and there will be 17 months between them so I can appreciate feeling nervous about having 2 young children to care for. We planned this pregnancy but I still have thoughts now and then of how hard are the hard days going to be. The reason I wanted it this way is so there wouldn’t be a big gap and hopefully the children will be close/have similar interests.

Financially is there anything you can pull back on while you’re pregnant and build up some savings?

I can’t relate completely to how you are feeling but hope I can be of some help to you :)

I’m a first time mum and felt so overwhelmed when I found out I was pregnant (even though I wanted to be pregnant). I couldn’t even talk to my partner about it, every time he mentioned it I just closed up.

I was honest with my midwife about how I was feeling and she was very supportive and has offered me help in the form of mental health support - although unfortunately I’m still waiting for this.

However, one evening I just opened up to my partner about how I was feeling, I told him everything and it was the best thing I did. He reassured me more than anyone else had been able to. He made me feel as though my concerns were completely acceptable and we talked it through.

I would also say (as I’m sure you know from your first pregnancy) that hormones were definitely a huge thing for me, most days for me (up to 12 weeks) were terrible, I just wanted to cry and hide away and pretend it wasn’t happening but I can say that in the last week - 2 weeks I’ve felt 100 times better. I do still have bad day’s but more days where I feel able to cope with it.

I know our situations are slightly different but just wanted to throw it out there.

I have also had a termination previously so know this is a really difficult thing to do but if you are really sure it’s what you want you will be supported. I never really got counselling after and so If you do go down that route one thing I would say is Make sure you get support from the clinic and you allow yourself time to recover - no matter what people say/think it’s still a difficult decision to make.

I made a friend for life when someone I knew told me she was expecting her second baby, when I automatically replied, without thinking, ‘ oh shit I’m sorry’ as I already had 2 by then.
This was more than 25 years ago and we still talk about the feeling of recognition that finding out you are pregnant with a second child can be alarming and challenging, regardless of your situation. What I mean, is don’t beat yourself up about feeling uncertain, talk it through with your midwife and on here if that helps.
Our second children are all proper grown ups now and absolutely delightful, but there again, they always were.

Thank you for all you're replies, it's nice to know there are people who can offer so much advice.
I will look at contacting the midwife to see if there is someone I can talk to if these feelings continue.
I'm just not sure how to approach the discussion with my husband.
The midwife has referred me to the consultant for my back and also suggested I go to physio to help with exercises and things I can do to help, but it does cause me to worry I bit.