Pregnant at 40 in a new country and not sure I want the baby

[benjamox]

Hello all, I'm sure I'm not the first and won't be the last woman to wonder whether or not they want the child they're expecting. But I'm really not sure. I'm 9 weeks now, age 40 and moved to Australia at the beginning of the year after a difficult year living in Asia with my partner, which really strained our relationship. The bottom line is, I keep wishing I would have a miscarriage. It's awful, I feel terribly guilty wishing such a thing but I can't help it. I'm terrified. I'm away from everyone and everything I know and love and worry about my future life stuck at home with a baby, then toddler, then on and on, with very little freedom. My main concern is how reliant I am going to be on my partner. For everything. I'm extremely independent. Did anyone else feel this way when they found out they were expecting? Do you think it's my age? I'm confused and upset and wishing I was just "myself" again already. Any advice or experience greatly appreciated.

Can you go home? Is home the UK? What's your relationship like in general? Why are you worried about relying on your partner? Isn't he reliable?

I'm in Oz too...South Australia....I moved here 4 years ago and it IS terrifying if you're a parent....but it gets better. Do you have other kids?

If you have a child you may struggle to leave the country with the child if you split from your partner.

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Doubts are normal. Just trust and believe everything will be OK and work on making your relantionship with your partner stronger.

Only you can decide what is best for you but do be aware that if you have a baby in Australia and dad is an Australian citizen you will not be able to leave the country and take your baby with you if you split unless the dad agrees. Australia is very protectionist about it's citizens. I am a mediator and have worked with many women desperately trying to go home with their children after their relationships ended, only one dad ever agreed.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true snowinwaters. It is true that if you decide to relocate outside of Australia, the parents will need to reach agreement regarding custody arrangements and if they cannot then a court will decide.

I should have said, the courts consider what is in the best interests of the child, not a blanket ‘child cannot leave’ approach

I did say "unless the dad agrees" @Figey. In my experience Australian courts generally hold that the child's right to a relationship with his/her father is more important than a mother's right to live in the country of her choice, even when the argument is made that moving overseas will allow mum to access their overseas family's support. I have seen mental health arguments fail as well. As you correctly say all decisions are made in the best interests of the children - children have rights, parents have responsibilities. The Family Law Act states that it is a child's right to "have a meaningful relationship with both parents as long as it is safe to do so". Australian family law favours a much more equal approach to parenting than the UK. Whether or not you agree, the presumption of shared care is the starting point when parents cannot agree on post separation parenting arrangements. The term custody is no longer used. I am just trying to be helpful to the OP as a lot of the British women I have worked with assume that their rights as a mother will be paramount and don't realise that the Australian Family law system is very different to the British until it is too late.

I appreciate your attempts to help, I was simply trying to highlight that the situation in Australia is not dissimilar to the UK in that you cannot take a child abroad without the consent of both parents or a court order.

You said unequivocally that if the OP had a baby and wanted to leave Australia, she wouldn’t be able to leave without the fathers blessing. This is incorrect. She has other options available to her and she is not at the behest of her partner. Australia has contemporary court system and laws, who consider similar factors as the UK courts when hearing such matters.