TTC after loss - DH performance anxiety

[Tulip292]

Hi,

I had a missed miscarriage (first baby) at the end of February with surgical management. DH and I have decided to ttc again as we desperately want to start a family but my husband is struggling with ED recently.

I’ve tried to keep my cycle tracking him from him this month to reduce the pressure on him but he seems to be affected each time we have sex.

I’m desperately trying to stay relaxed and be patient with him but inside I just want to break down and cry!

We had a chat about it and he said he’s afraid of the same thing happening again, and I asked if he really felt ready to try again - to which he replied yes.

Has anyone else had this issue and if so do you have any advice?

Thanks!

Has he tried speaking to anyone about it? There's often free helpline numbers available it might be worth him speaking to someone to share his worries and get things off his chest.

It sounds like he's putting himself under a lot of pressure. I think if he got into the mindset of it being a spontaneous fun moment of woohoo and not "I'm not doing this because we are ttc" it would be better but obviously it's easier said than done. Ramp up the other forms of affection in between as well like hugs, kisses, hand holding etc x

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I wonder if it would be worth putting off TTC for another couple of months, to see if it relieves the pressure a bit? It sounds like he wants to start again but the fear of another MMC is just too much at the moment. A break might give him time to clear his head and not worry too much about it.

I agree it might be a good idea for him to speak to a counsellor if he would be willing to try that.

Hi

I just wanted to say I went through the same thing with my husband. We’d had 3 MMC in the last year and the last two took their toll on me. He hated what it did to me and I think he got it into his head no matter how badly he wanted to have a child he didn’t want to see me hurt again.

Being in lockdown is what actually made him talk about it more. I left him to initiate and we spent more time on intimacy which I think took that pressure off. It worked for us.

It’s difficult though.

Sorry for your loss, I know how heartbreaking it is. My first pregnancy also ended in mmc and I was desperate to try again but in my situation, I was in your husband's position. I wanted to try for a baby again straight away but when we tried to have sex I would start to cry and get super emotional (passion killer is an understatement!). The truth was, despite being desperate for a baby, I was still grieving from my loss and I wasn't really ready to try again. We ended up postponing trying for a few months and it was actually just what I needed. We used contraception so sex went back to being about fun again and it gave me time to heal and when we tried again a few months later i no longer was getting emotional and upset. I know it's not what you want, but perhaps consider postponing for a month or two and see if that takes the pressure off your dh and let's him heal a a bit. He's obviously struggling and I don't know loads about ED but my understanding is that any added pressure can make it worse, so perhaps a break from trying would help? Wishing you lots of luck for the future.

Thank you all for your responses ❤️

He seemed to be okay around the time of ovulation (thank goodness!). Currently 9dpo so just waiting now!xx