Telling MIL to BACK OFF!!

[round4]

So nearly 12 years ago I had my first child, and of course I was completely overwhelmed by the love I had for him. However, I wasn't aware just how much of a competition it was going to be regarding my MIL. As far as she was concerned I was a shit Mum and went on to accuse me of "feeding" my son calpol, trying to organise his first birthday party at her house and insisting CONSTANTLY that Nanny knows best 😡, amongst other things. I honestly believe she thought he was hers.

Years later, 2 more kids and one on the way, things are starting to crop up that, tbh are giving me anxiety. All over facebook she's Nan of the year, but when we see her she doesn't even acknowledge the pregnancy, and she seems to think she has the right to name this baby.

I was alot younger when I had my first, and alot has happened in my life to toughen me up. However, I'm actually at the point now where I will end up being the nasty DIL and telling her to f#@k off.

Has anyone else been pushed this far before?

Sadly yes but with my own mum not my MIL. Nothing I did was 'right' (she later admitted she was offended that I didn't choose to copy her style of parenting and that this had made her feel 'like a shit mum').
She didn't like DS2's name and said 'well I'll be calling him this instead'. Erm no you won't.

She disagreed with how I fed them and insisted she was going to feed them whatever she wanted anyway.

She disagreed with health care choices we made for them and actually phoned my DH to say 'ignore etchap, I know it's all her... you just do this instead.' Fortunately my DH is on my team and told me straight away we needed to sort my crazy mother out.
Anyway it all came to a head when I blew my top and laid down the law. I told her if she never wanted to see her grandchildren again she was going to right way about it. Long story short, she didn't speak to me for 2 days (which was nice tbh) and then she came round and apologised. That's when she admitted I'd made her feel like a bad mum and promised not to interfere in the future. She's stuck to her word and nearly 6 years later we actually get on very well and the kids adore her.
So I guess what I'm saying is although it's very uncomfortable to lose your shit and just get it all out, it's for the best. Do it now. Make it clear you're the parent and things will be done your way or not at all. It was a lot easier for me to do that with it being my mum and not my MIL so your DH will have to do his bit. It's his mother and he needs to lay down the law.

Thanks for replying! And I'm so sorry you went through that with your own mum 😲 Tbh, it's just nice to know I'm not the only one going through this weird phase. I dont know what it is about Nan's and Grandchildren, but its almost like a jealousy thing??

@round4 it absolutely is a jealousy thing, my mum admitted it. You're not going bonkers believe me. Have you asked your DH to step in yet?

I once told mil if she wasn't happy with my parenting she knew where the door was ..
Oh and she never had my mobile number.. Made for a much easier life..

I had issues when I was pregnant. I had on only met my MIL once (I fell pregnant with my boyfriend of 6 months) and she was annoyed she wasn't at the scan and that she couldn't plan my baby shower. And then she told me she would be at the birth.
She told me not to breastfeed so that she could have the baby. Told me what names I wasnt allowed to choose. Etc etc

I basically started to hate her from the start of our relationship. And I just made it clear to my OH that I won't be allowing her to interfere. He was always scared to upset her. But I found ways to let her know that I was in charge and these were my decisions.

We have a shit relationship now but at least she knows that I won't be pushed around 🤷🏼‍♀️

God brings back memories. My mil always felt like I took her son away from her when we moved out. They thought we would stay with them for the rest of our lives urgh. During my pregnancy she barely acknowledged me and asked everyone else not to talk to me. It was pretty lonely you don’t forget something like that. When my daughter was born suddenly they had rights. They wanted to name the baby and expected to me to do things with the baby their way. I had to put my foot down. It’s been tough but I’m stubborn af and no one was going to tell me how to live my life. Like you I’m tougher now and I’ll be setting clear boundaries from early on don’t let her dictate your life. And are you still living with them because you should probably move out if you are it can’t be healthy

@novacaneforthepain yes I was also told to stop breastfeeding so mum and MIL could have my baby. Nope, they got told where to go with that one. My mum also insisted grandparents had the right to choose the baby's name when she didn't like what we'd chosen for DS2! Seems to be some common themes of control here. My personal theory as a feminist is that our mums and MILs are of a generation where they had a lot of social pressure to 'follow the rules' and they resent that we aren't towing the line when they had to. Personally I'm glad we have the voices and freedom to say balls to that and do it our way now.

@eventhecathasapenis never thought of that but I do agree

My mil also told me I wasn't to bf as she wasn't able to. It wouldn't be fair apparently!!
She was a Catholic and was horrified at ds's name. Not appropriate she claimed.
A Catholic boy called Gabriel. Well I never. How disgraceful..

My MIL wanted to have the baby over night at 2 weeks old. She framed it as we would get a full nights sleep but she's a smoker and also there was no way I was ready at 2 weeks to hand over my baby.
When DD was a year old and I let her start having the occasional sleep over and after a few months she decided to put her in a proper bed - this didn't work because she wasn't ready and we weren't doing it so she ended up sleeping in MILs bed which doesn't make me happy.
She then also started talking about getting her pants for potty training at 18 months old.
DD doesn't even recognise when she's having a a wee and half the time won't admit she's 💩d so I had to put my foot down and tell her no.
DH and his mum don't have a great relationship so he's on my side but sometimes I just wish I didn't have to have these conversations.
My DM asks me and checks with me before doing anything because she doesn't want to overstep, I appreciate that so much. X

Oh guys, I feel sooooo relieved that there's others out there going through this pointless situation (however selfish that might sound 😂).

I've made it clear to DH i won't be putting up with it again, and if she carries on I have no problem making it awkward. She got away with sooooo much with my first born, and tbh completely ruined the whole experience for me.