Abortion and relationship advice.

[Pheobe2020]

Hi I am writing on here for some advice.
I have two children already age 5+ , I’ve recently found out I was pregnant with another baby.

I am a full time student, only just completing my first year. My partner and I have a not so good relationship. We disagree on big topics like parenting , I have a disabled child who is very challenging and my partner is very dominant of this and makes everything worse whenever my child is struggling with their emotions and has zero understanding of this. My partner can come across very abusive and controlling if he doesn’t get his way, he drinks a lot not around the children but on a night time, I spend my mornings usually picking up empty cans and embarrassingly stuffing them into the recycling tubs outside.

I feel like bringing another baby into this relationship is only going to be more challenging and unfair on the children I already have. I feel like I want to end my relationship but I don’t want to be a single mum to 3 children, while trying to study it’s going to be virtually impossible. I am around 8 weeks so really need some advice. Please no judgement, I judge myself very much and I do care so much about my children.

Sorry you are going through this. Your living situation sounds very tough. I suppose you have to decide two things

1. Do you stay in this relationship - what do you get out of it?
2. Do you keep the baby? What is best for the baby and for your existing children?

You can do both, either or neither. What does your gut tell you? You’ve already given several reasonable justifications for ending the pregnancy.

I have a disabled child who is very challenging and my partner is very dominant of this and makes everything worse whenever my child is struggling with their emotions and has zero understanding of this

I got as far as this sentence and just thought ‘nah’, then read he’s also an abusive, controlling drinker.
Honestly, I would terminate the relationship for sure. The pregnancy is obviously a more difficult decision to make, but ultimately, a child would tie you to this man for the next 18 years. No one should judge you for deciding to terminate the pregnancy as well. You have two other children to think of, especially if one has extra issues that need to be taken into consideration, plus your studies as well.

Thankyou for being so understanding. It really is tough. I don’t know really , I guess I’ve just been with my partner a long time and never really known anything else. (10 years) I’ve just got to a point now where I feel like I’m not getting anything out of the relationship, I’m not happy , I don’t feel like I am listened to, he’s tried before to stop drinking , but sadly he’s just gone back to it. I’ve spoken time and time again about the treatment of our child, who has challenging behaviour to no avail ☹️

I’m just hit back with constant excuses, about how it’s our child’s fault. Who is 5 years old. He says things to him like he’s going to have no friends when he’s older , no one likes him, it breaks my heart. Yes our child is extremely aggressive and abusive, however I feel like this is part the disabilities and part the fact he’s seen it from his father towards him.. so what is he going to behave like? I explain this constantly but as I said I get no where. I’m a psychology student and always had an interest in it , I know for a fact drumming into a child’s head that he is useless and this and that is just so damaging. It’s so unhealthy and toxic.

I think if I am to go through with this pregnancy I will eventually be going at it alone, sadly.

Thank you so much for the response. X

Time to think what’s best for you and your children.

Time to split with him.

If it were me I’d take the pills and move on with my family away from him. Or work out a way to have the baby and who could help with childcare etc. It would be very difficult though I think. But not impossible if you just can’t face the pills.

Sorry you’re in this situation. He clearly isn’t happy either. Time to have a better life away from him.

Exactly. Anyone who is happy does not behave in such a horrid manner. Clearly has many issues to deal with, me and my children don’t deserve to have to deal with them and suffer the consequences. 💙 Thankyou for your response x

If your guts telling you to keep the baby then do it, even if your relationship ends you will always have your children. You will manage because that mother's do and do they whatever they can to provide and protect their children

I think you already know that your relationship is abusive to you and your children, and you need to save them from your partner, but I appreciate that is easier said than done.

In respect of the pregnancy, there is a Pregnancy Choices topic, where you may be able to find some support, and if you Google 'your area pregnancy choices' some local trusts have a dedicated department who may be able to help you talk things through.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please, please leave your partner as soon as possible for the sake of your children as well as yourself. Only you can know whether you feel able to take care of a third child as a single mother. No one else can make that decision for you, but I think everyone can agree you're in a very difficult situation.

And if he doesn’t already know about this pregnancy I wouldn’t tell him either. Your body. Your choice.

I know I need to get away and I think I’m going to get an abortion, purely for the sake of my mental health and so I have the ability to take care of the children I already have. 💖 I feel sorry for him but at the same time I need to start thinking of my children and of myself. It is totally unfair for all of us to stay in this horrible situation. Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It just confirmed what I already knew in my heart. X