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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Addict partner

15 replies

Kay0503 · 17/04/2020 22:19

Not sure if this is a place to put this but I need some advice and support.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant, I have been with my partner 2 years. Not a planned pregnancy but I was over the moon when I found out I was.

My partner is addicted to cocaine and alcohol he says he’s “stopping” I’m still waiting.
Iv tried to kick him out but he refuses to leave.
I have told him it’s me and the baby or drugs. He still chooses the drugs. He hasn’t had a job for months now. And with all this covid-19 lock down going on he’s using this as an excuse not to work I’m a health care worker and I’m still working.
If I stop now I don’t think I can afford to live as maternity pay is not enough to pay the bills.

The time he’s been off work he’s meant to have been renovating the house. I had no working bathroom for any month and a half as he ripped it out and got on it for a month and couldn’t finish because he was to wasted everyday to finish.

He is stealing from me. I hide my bank card. He always finds it and gets money out for his drugs and uses my car to get them. I’m worried one of these days he’s going to get pulled and I’m going to end up having my car impounded and me being stuck on how to get it back.

I tried to talk to his mother about how I was feeling as my mental health is hitting an all time low as she knows about his addictions and I needed some support and she said “If you speak to someone then you will have social services on your back and they will take your baby. Its a no end situation” so I feel stuck in this “relationship” as he will not leave. It’s my house and I pay the bills so it’s not like I can leave.

He keeps saying he will change and it will all stop when baby is here

But I know deep down it never will.
I’m terrified that he won’t be sober enough to get me to the hospital to have the baby. I’m terrified of doing all this alone.

OP posts:

Christmastree43 · 17/04/2020 22:28

Ohh Kay that sounds horrific for you and so horrible to be going through during your pregnancy. You and your baby deserve so much better

I'm not even sure where to start with advice, do you have your own family and friends who you can turn to? Who will help you with your baby when they arrive?

Delbelleber · 17/04/2020 22:32

He's not contributing to the household income so tell him to move back to his mums. As a single parent you'd be entitled to benefits to top up your wage which will hopefully be enough to get you through maternity leave. Do you want him involved in the babies life? You can ask your health visitor or midwife to get social work to assess him but if he's living with you then they might not see that as a safe environment for the baby. If he wants to be in his child's life he needs to prove he's responsible.

Connie222 · 17/04/2020 22:37

He won’t stop when the baby is here. He will get worse.

You are in a good position as you are working, it’s your house and you pay the bills.

Change the locks.

Get him out of your house. If he refuses to leave or tries to get back in call the police.

If you make him leave, end the relationship IF social services are notified then you are showing them you are doing all you can to end the relationship. Cut contact with him. You would get support.

Have a look and see if you are entitled to any benefits.

To be honest, if he’s stealing from you you’d be better off financially anyway.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/04/2020 22:38

Social care are there to help you. They won't just take your baby away. You need to get out if this relationship ASAP. And show them that you can keep the baby safe.

LovingLola · 17/04/2020 22:41

Have you family who can help you to get him out?

artio0 · 17/04/2020 23:19

He won't change if he gets away with not changing, which he is at the moment as he's still living in your house (been there, done that...). You need to get him out of your house and put some distance between you two/three. If after that he chooses to get help and put you and your child over drugs, great. If not, you're better off without him and it'll be easier to be without him if you're already not living together. Have a look at what's available in your area in terms of mental health help for yourself (they might fast track you cause you're pregnant) and also help with how to be with someone who has an addiction.

BeMorePacific · 18/04/2020 00:04

Your baby won’t be taken away from you. I would be asking for help to remove him from your home.
A new baby is the most wonderful thing in the world. But it’s also one of the hardest things you will ever experience, which will not be good for an addict. I’d kick him out and hope it gives him the reality check that he needs help.
So sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong xxx

PersonaNonGarter · 18/04/2020 00:12

His mother is manipulating you - just like her son.

You need more people involved as your are vulnerable due to pregnancy. What about your family?

You need to kick him out and change the locks and delete him from your phone. It will be hard work but you can do it. He is no good.

Holothane · 18/04/2020 00:32

Kick him out he won’t change, no baby deserves this for a father.

Shmabel · 18/04/2020 01:43

Get him out. You and your child deserve so much better! Don't let him ruin it for you. Call the police, social services, do anything necessary. This is a very unhappy situation and it sounds like you have a lot going for you, so you really don't need to be letring him drag you down.

Why spend your time being less happy than you could be? You sound sensible and realistic so you know he won't change and that this isn't right. You'll look back and be so glad you got rid of this hideous situation.

sjmco · 18/04/2020 05:33

It sounds like a relationship I was in many years ago!!! I was with him for 8 years and I heard the same thing over and over again! 'I will change'
Like hell will you!!!
I went through 2 miscarriages with him and I'm pretty convinced it was all down to stress!!

I eventually had the courage to kick him out my home! Like you the house with was mine. Although he did work and contribute.

It took me years to eventually do it and I felt so bad and sorry him but 4 years on and it's the best thing I have ever done!! I just regret not doing it sooner!!

I think his mum is saying those things so you don't kick him out and she is stuck with him in her house!
You really need to look out for yourself and your baby.

Sally7645 · 18/04/2020 06:17

I wonder if women's aid would be able to give you some advice on how to get him to leave safely... he can go and live with his mum so he won't be out on the street. Sadly his addiction will always take precedent until he gets it under control, you can't have cocaine in your household with a baby growing up there. This situation will get worse once the baby arrives, make a plan to get him out now but get some advice from WA or call 101 and ask for help. Good luck x

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 18/04/2020 11:23

The chances of SS removing your baby if you CONTINUE to live with this man are much much higher than if you end the relationship. Social services simply need to see that you can recognise an unsuitable situation for your baby, change the situation , prioritise baby and stick to that plan.

Women who have their babies removed in these circumstances are those that put their 'love' of their partner above the welfare of the child. Please don't be that person OP

Your partners mother is lying AND trying to scare you AND putting her own GC in danger. Not someone to spend time with.

Troubledmummy3 · 18/04/2020 12:05

When I was 24 I kicked my ex out...I had a 21 month old and a 4 month old. He stole from me, didn't work, was abusive but always did just about enough to make me think I couldn't cope alone. It was my house, I worked. He did drugs and disappeared for days on end on benders. Stole my birthday money, stole my medication and stole my confidence. Taunted me about my mental health which was degrading due to his emotional abuse. He was 5 years older than me. One day he strangled me (not the first time but definitely the worst) and I thought I was going to die...our 4 month old was next to me in her bassinet and I remember clearly thinking if he lets go I'm done, I grew up in an abusive household and I KNEW I didn't want that for my children. He let go. I was done. I kicked him out and got on with my life! I don't know how I did it looking back but I DID! My children are a credit to me ❤️ and are happy and healthy and well balanced. 18 months later I met my husband. He has shown me how a real man treats a woman. We have a 6 y/o together and a surprise baby due October! My older children are now 13 and 12 and love their (step) daddy! My ex sees my eldest children sporadically. He is pretty irrelevant to all of us to be honest but we've always facilitated meetings. He's just not really interested in anyone but himself. What I'm trying to say is no matter how weak you feel you can DO IT!! And it WILL get easier!! Please please don't waste your life thinking he is what you and your baby deserve! You both deserve so much better and it WILL come along for you ❤️ xxx

eventhecathasapenis · 18/04/2020 12:26

His mother is only saying that to trap you. Social services will not take the baby away if you leave him, they would however consider removing the baby if you stayed with him - that is when they consider the baby to be in danger. Change the locks and send him back to his mum's. You can get an emergency locksmith out when he's out getting wasted. Do not give him or his mother any hints you're planning this - you need to do this in secret. Then if you're feeling charitable, you can consider bagging up his stuff and putting it out for him once you're safe in your home with new locks. Call the police if you need support getting him out and for the love of God, do not take him with you to register the birth. You do not want his name on the birth certificate.
It sounds cruel and vile I know but this way gives you more scope to force him to prove he's cleaned up his act before seeing the baby and blocks his manipulative mother from trying to force contact before he's clean.

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