Grieving and not sure how to cope

[biscuit13]

So I've just turned 27, married and 11 weeks pregnant.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer 3 and a half years ago, and I was over the moon that she was at my wedding. My next goal was for her to see us have a baby I'd possible... luckily we got pregnant very quickly and I was so happy that we would be able to do it, that she could be there throughout my pregnancy and see the baby arrive. We told her when I was 7 weeks and she was so so happy.
And then 2 weeks ago her cancer suddenly got worse and she passed away very quickly, I spoke to her the day before and she was ok, and the next morning she was gone. I didnt get to say goodbye like I thought I always would be able to. And now its hitting me that shes not going to be there and I'm going to have to do this without her support.
Dont get me wrong my husband is being amazing, but you always need your mum. Me and mum always talked excitedly about when i would have children. And now I feel like everything I imagined sharing with her is gone. And I dont know how I get through this. I feel like every scan, every kick, when I have the baby is going to be bitter sweet.

Sorry just need to talk

So sorry for your loss OP
Your mum will be by your side through all of this, watching over you and her beautiful grandchild. Sending hugs x

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely mum, particularly at such a crucial time in your life. How wonderful that she was able to be at your wedding and knew that you were pregnant, that must have give her so much peace to know you were happy and settled and had something to look forward to.

This happened to a close friend of mine and she still misses her now many years on and parenting is often made easier by the help of our mums. You will find some comfort in time when you talk about her to your child or start a tradition with them that reminds you of her.

So sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking. I bet your Mum was so happy to hear the news. Can you speak to your community midwife and access support? Not easy with the current lockdown but in the coming months, there could be e.g. counselling available?

Such a sad time for you

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum. My dad was diagnosed just after I got married, and we similarly decided to try for children soon after so that he would be part of it. He died quite quickly when I was 17wks and I found it incredibly hard that he wasn't part of it. I still think about all the things he has missed, but from time to time, I see his expression in my dc and it makes me smile.

Allow yourself to feel everything. To fall apart if you need to. No one says that you have to cope right now.

This feeling won't last forever. I promise you. But for now, let yourself feel it.

❤

So sorry for your loss @biscuit13
I had something similar happen to me. It was awful. My dd1 died when I was 7 months pregnant with dd2.

At the time my mum was in a care home she had dementia I would visit her every day. I can remember going to see her after the funeral we hadn't told her about dd. I just wanted my mum I started crying and she turned to my dh and asked what I was crying for and then she wandered away and left us sitting there.
The remainder of my pregnancy was really hard I didn't think I would bond with the baby, I'm happy to say she's one of the best things to happen to us.
But it wasn't always easy bereavement counselling help me.
Take care.

Wow I'm so touched with how many people have responded so quickly, thank you. It's so lovely to have support.
Some days I've just been inconsolable, saying to my husband that i cant do this. Other days I have been ok, I'm desperately trying to hold it together and try and stay calm for the baby, so I'm scared of letting myself really feel it.
But I'm now even more terrified of something happening to the baby, it was very much wanted by us both anyway but now I feel like I need it more than ever, and dont know what I'd do if I lost that too. Just trying to stay positive but it's hard.
It's helpful to hear that some of you have been through this too and come out ok on the other side.

@ParkheadParadise oh my goodness I'm so sorry that happened to your family.
Did the counselling help? My husband suggested it, but I was just thinking I dont know how it can help because all I want is my mum back. Things cant be changed so I dont know how it can help?

My father passed away suddenly when I was 7 months pregnant. It was dreadful having to grieve and await my little boy at the same time. I cried every day for a month over him. My son has dad's name as a middle name.

You have my deepest sympathies, no words can express how awful it is

There is a charity called new mums without Mums that my friend went to and said it was great. Not sure if local or not but worth a look. Take care and sorry for your loss x

So sorry about your mum I can see how it might make happy occasions bittersweet.

I hope it brings you comfort to know that she was happy for you and excited for your future. I'm pregnant and have always felt that, no matter what goals I have for myself, my children will matter so much more. I'm sure your loving mum would want you to have as much happiness as possible, especially during all the special milestones.

@biscuit13
I felt the same as you. At first I was completely numb I spent the remainder of my pregnancy in my bed with the duvet over my head( it didn't help).
Dd2 was 6 months old when I started counselling I wasn't convinced it would help. It was actually good to talk to someone who didn't know me.
Maybe it is something you could consider in the future.

I’m so so sorry about your mum x x I also lost my mum but when my little girl was only two weeks old. It was absolutely heartbreaking and I know you must be feeling the same. The advice I can give you is that when your baby arrives, he/she will not obviously replace your mum but the love you have for them will fill a hole and give you such happiness. My little girl will never know how much she got me through. She knows all about my mum, which I made sure of and talks about her a lot which also gives me comfort x x x x

@biscuit13 talking to anybody is a positive thing and it's okay not to feel ready for counseling or similar. when you lose someone especially suddenly like you're describing you lose the future you'd expected to have with them not just the present so you're grieving for all that.
Feel whatever you need to feel at the moment, try to eat and sleep if you can and if that's all you can do in a day then that's still positive for you and baby.

My dad died when I was 9 so I've had a long time to come to terms with the fact he wasn't going to be there as a grandparent when I have my first baby. I'm now almost 12 weeks pregnant and i still was almost in tears the other day thinking about not having him and my grandparents and the other people I've lost meet the baby.

Life might not ever quite feel the same after you lose a parent but I don't see that as a bad thing anymore, I see it as that person meant a lot to you but you do eventually find a new normal in time.

@1990shopefulftm you've got it exactly right there, and I never thought of it like that, grieving for my mum and also the future I had imagined and pictured with her and my baby.
That is reassuring thank you.
I had a private scan yesterday because I've been so stressed and then I've been worrying about the baby, but there it was, heartbeat and all spot on with the dates I thought I was. So I feel a lot better now in that aspect.

You poor thing. My mum died suddenly (from cancer) just before my baby was born. I was heartbroken and its not been easy, but the baby was a complete blessing and she has got me through it tbh. I thought before that I couldn't do it without her but once the Labour starts you go with it and then you have a year of non stop baby stuff and no sleep. It really helped me to cope.

@biscuit13 I m glad the scan helped you feel better.