Do I want this baby?

[Paris2019]

2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant... just as my husband and I had pretty much agreed we weren't going to have a baby, after a couple of years of being on the fence. I've never had a maternal instinct or been into babies, and was perfectly happy with our lives, but 2 years ago in my mid 30s I realised I didn't want to rule it out completely. So I came off the pill and we said we'd see what happened (hubby had always been keen for a family). Nothing did happen, mainly cos we didn't try particularly hard, and we gradually just thought that it just wasn't meant to be, which felt like a relief and like the right decision. We had been in limbo for a while, and at ages 38 (me) and 44 (husband) we felt like we had to make the decision either way to enable us to plan for the future. But then... we got complacent and bang - now I'm 8 weeks pregnant.

To say i have been finding it tough to deal with is an understatement. Panic attacks, uncontrollable crying, feelings of utter despair... because I didn't WANT this, I didn't expect this, and I was planning for a future without this. All I can think about is how hard it's going to be, how it will change our lives, how deep down I've never really wanted a baby, and how scared I am that I won't be able to deal with it. But on the other hand I just don't think I could have an abortion... I've always said I never would, and I feel it's not justifiable as we are financially stable, will have lots of support from family, we're mature and settled etc etc.

I don't know whether I should still be considering my options, or whether i should just accept this is happening, and deal with it. I just can't get away from the fact that I didn't want this, and I'm scared to bring a baby into the world that I'm not sure I'll be able to love, and will resent.

On top of everything I have a history of anxiety and depression and they have certainly been triggered by this.

Keen to hear from anyone with any advice or similar experiences 🙏🙏

Firstly just take a breather, working yourself up won't do your MH any good at all (I know easier said than done).

Reality is that having a baby is hard and it will change your life, BUT the life you've planned out doesnt have to change because of your baby if you get me. Whats the old saying, tell God (or whoever) your plans and watch him laugh. You've learnt the hard way that plan all you want life will bite you in the ass.

I think you need to give yourself time to consider your options deeply. Remembering that there is no right or wrong answer here. Just know that you're not alone amd you're bot the only one thats been in this situation

Sorry for the typos

So you came off the pill but you didn’t want a baby. Sounds reckless to me. Your in your thirties I mean what did you expect. Why come off bit thy control if you did not want the responsibility of a child. I’m normally quite positive on these threads but I’m struggling here. Give the baby up for adoption if you don’t want it. The baby is innocent is all this

I'm currently 11 weeks pregnant after 33 years of saying I don't want children!

It's been a huge shock and I've had exactly the same thoughts as you. I'm still very scared and unprepared for how much this is going to change my life and I'm having to really try to focus on positives as my mind is naturally switching to the negatives (will I ever go on a holiday I enjoy again?!, will I go on a date with DH, will I want to..?)

I did have an early scan and heard the heartbeat etc which made me much more emotional than I thought.

I'm not sure anyone can tell you what is the right way to feel but I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one ⭐️

For you to have not gone back on the pill, or taken some precaution, there must have been some part of you aware that this could happen and let it happen.

We can't tell you if you want this baby.

I can tell you, however, that your feelings and concerns are real and they are normal. Even for very wanted babies, the mother will question their ability to be a mother and their desire. I sure as shit did.

Only you and your partner can decide this.

So, you came off the pill.... had unprotected sex.... then got pregnant? At least you aren't calling it a 'contraception failure'

Maybe you knew deep down that you did want it and that's why weren't taking precautions? And no, I'm not all deep and 'maybe God meant for this to happen because he listened to your prayers'

I disagree with PP who suggested adoption - why place unnecessary burden on an already struggling system and leave a child in that position?

My suggestion would be to consider the pros and cons, make a written list if it helps. That may help you to decide what to do. Some people who do this find just the act of doing it is the deciding factor - I.e. if you find it easier to add things to the 'cons' side.

Good luck

Also - have you told / spoken to your DH?

Also - have you told / spoken to your DH?

To offer one perspective on this (obviously it's your choice so not trying to persuade, just offer an anecdote!), my mum fell pregnant with me accidentally in her 30s after being absolutely adamant that she never wanted children. After a long and hard decision making process she decided to keep me. She didn't have a great relationship with my dad and knew it wouldn't work out in the long run, and was absolutely terrified of potentially being a single mum when she felt like she didn't have a maternal bone in her body. However she now says it was the best decision she ever made, she can't believe that she thought she didn't want children (she went on to also have my sister) and she can't believe that she almost didn't go through with the pregnancy. I've never met anyone with children who says they wishes they hadn't had them, but I've certainly met people who regret not having children.

Alternatively, have you considered adoption if you don't feel that abortion is the right path for you?

It's normal to panic. You've had a long time of being independent and living life as a couple.
It's natural to worry that a baby will disrupt everything.
As someone who had my first child at 41, I can say in it's not the end of the world! We have no family support so we don't go out in the evenings because we don't want to leave him with a babysitter just yet.
Generally, it's the best thing we've ever done. Our son is funny, happy and loving. It can be a bit of a slog sometimes, but it's not that hard!

Thank you for all the responses!

I came off the pill originally because there was absolutely a part of me at that time that wanted a baby, or at least was comfortable with the idea, and I genuinely felt that I'd be happy either way. It was more that the longer it didn't happen over those two years, the more I started to think it wouldn't happen, and the more I became comfortable, and then happy, with that.

It's perhaps the irony of the timing that is making it more difficult...

@Paris2019 I am in exactly the same situation as you! I was pretty certain I wanted a child (I’m 32) but not maternal at all and always avoided talk of babies and have never really wanted a baby, I was worried I would regret it if I didn’t have children as the thought of bringing up a child was appealing to me (just the baby stage that freaks me out) because I think I feel like all my independence will be taken, no more nice holidays, will I cope etc?

I’m 11 weeks and I’ve had a few wobbles already - I never expected it to be plain sailing, there are still some days where I question if this is the right path to take but I just try and get through those. I have friends who I never would have imagined having children and I look at them and see how happy they are and know it will be worth it.

Please mention how you are feeling to your midwife, I have been very honest with mine and have explained my worries and she has promised to get me some extra support and was very understanding about it.

I don’t think we are alone in feeling like this though.

Thank you so much @Luckyme30

I think it's hard when you've never been maternal or broody to picture yourself having a baby and so it's very hard to know if it's the right path to go down.

I have spoken to my GP already about how I'm feeling, and will mention to the midwife too. I think I need all the support I can get!

Tbh I know women who planned to have children and were actively trying and when they discovered they were pregnant had the same reaction as you.

I also know someone who was quite ambivalent about having children and also went into melt down when they discovered they were pregnant at about the same age as you

She went on to have 3 in about as many years and can’t believe that she nearly missed out on the life she has now.

I highly doubt you would regret having the baby. Life does change but you find joy and pleasure in other things. The problem is before baby comes it's hard to imagine them or bond with them, they can feel like an intruder in your life. This will change when it arrives. I'm pregnant with my second. It was planned but I wanted it more for my dd to have a sibling than my own desire for another child. At the moment I feel a bit scared of the thought of it all and not particularly 'excited' but I trust that I will fall in love with it when it arrives because I was completely besotted with my dd and still am.

@Paris2019 just wondering how things turned out for you in the end? Please feel free to ignore this message if you prefer, but I'm in a very similar situation as you were - 8 weeks pregnant, baby was planned, but I feel I'm suffocating with the enormity of the decision/life change - I hope you're doing well with whichever decision you had made 💐

@Saraxx90 Hey! How did things go with you? I am now in the same boat. Fell pregnant after copper coil removal very quickly, had always envisioned this being the next step, but now it's happened im completely shocked and anxious about this next step! Xx

This post is years old - you might want to start your own thread 🙂

😊