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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want the baby

28 replies

LotsToThink · 09/04/2020 13:21

I'm pregnant with first almost 12 weeks. At first my DP and I had decided to go for a termination had the appointment and signed the papers, when we got back home I went to bed and broke down. DP and his mother decided to chat with me and promised support. It even seemed he was looking forward to the baby, Now a couple of weeks on everything has changed, in laws saying they won't be able to cope with baby in the house dp is also saying I should have just gone along with the termination, he seems to have pulled away from me as well. Has anyone elses partner been like that but changed when baby arrived? feel so low at the moment.

OP posts:
Goldenmother · 09/04/2020 13:23

Sorry your 𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳 is putting so much pressure on you it easy for him to say you should just terminate but your the one who has to go through it, if you want this baby then I would leave him and look to making a happy future for you and your child.

itsbetterthanabox · 09/04/2020 13:24

Think you need to move out of his parents. Sounds like they have a heavy influence on him. How old are you both?

Pinkblueberry · 09/04/2020 13:28

I would fully support your decision if you wanted a termination - but I think having one if that’s not what you want or even if you’re just unsure could be quite detrimental to your mental health. As a pp said, I would be prepared to leave and go it alone. Having a baby is tough, especially if you feel you can’t support it - but terminating a baby that you actually want to keep is surely a lot tougher.

BillHadersNewWife · 09/04/2020 13:31

Can you move out? Are your parents going to be supportive?

FortunesFave · 09/04/2020 13:33

It seems his parents are taking his side and trying to push you out of their home because they're not supportive of you but only their son.

This is an extremely toxic place to live in.

Is there somewhere else you can go?

Viviennemary · 09/04/2020 13:36

It's a really difficult situation. You should not have a termination if you don't want one. But I can understand his parents are panicking at the thought of a baby in the house. You could try giving shelter a ring to see what your accommodation options are. I don't think it will be easy staying there under the circumstances. Have you got a job.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/04/2020 13:39

You should leave closeness breeds resentment

ForeverBubblegum · 09/04/2020 13:49

Can you make it work on your own? If you want this baby (and it sounds like you definitely do), start planning how you will manage as a single parent. If your 'partner' comes through it's a bonus, if not you are in a better position for having planned.

First step, open a savings account in your own name (not joint), and save everything you can. Also look up what benefits you might be entitled to, both during maternity leave, and after.

Baby stuff can be got cheaply enough if you don't mind second hand, so biggest hurdle for now is finding a way to move out of his parents house. If you haven't already ask to go on the council waiting list, how likely you are to get offered anything depends where you live, some areas have people waiting years but others could have you house in a few months.

If no luck with council you need to look at private renting. Are you working? As many (but not all) landlords won't take benefit claimants.

It will be tough going, but you'll find a way.

DonutMuffin · 09/04/2020 15:53

@ForeverBubblegum great advice, I agree and try and speak to someone impartial for some advice so you can decide what YOU want to do.
Don't feel pressured into anything you don't want either way.

TorkTorkBam · 09/04/2020 15:59

You have not mentioned what you want.

In answer to your question. No, men who do not want an unplanned baby do not usually come round after the baby is born. The only exception I've seen is a happy couple with existing planned children get pregnant accidentally and after the initial shock he is happy. In your situation, no, not going to be happy ever after.

Original poster
LotsToThink · 10/04/2020 13:26

Thank you for all of your replies and great advice. I'm keeping the baby either way, we already went down the road of a termination and both agreed at the last minute it wasn't the right choice, just he has decided to change back and saying it was my choice to keep baby.
His family have already made it clear I'm to leave and yes I agree with FortunesFave that they are supporting their son and his wishes. I have my family still. I'm not working at the moment. Definitely looks like I'm going to have to do this on my own, which I know will be hard but I can do it...just feeling sad that I do have to do it alone when I was promised support from my partner now he gets to just walk away.

OP posts:
Goldenmother · 10/04/2020 13:48

Well done to you for not being forced into something you didn't want, yes it will be hard but it's better you do it alone then with someone who not 100% committed to you both I'm sure your family will help and support you, I know if this is your first child and you don't work or on a low income your can get a sure start maternity grant of £500 so you can use that o help toward baby bits but I believe you can claim it later on in pregnancy. It will all be ok and your do a wonderful job

Elieza · 10/04/2020 14:07

So you’re living with your partner in his parents house, you’re pregnant to him, and they are throwing you out?

What a bunch of bastards.

Bring your child up on your own and keep away from the lot of them.

However if they could offer to pay your deposit on a flat to get you out quicker I’d take it as it would be good to get away from them. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of taking their financial assistance. Get what you can off them.

Bastards. What kind of family throws the mother of their unborn grandson out. WTF.

Bet he’s lied and said the baby’s not his. I’d put a fiver on it. Bastards. So angry for you OP.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 10/04/2020 14:13

I don't think they are bastards.

Their son and his girlfriend are living in their house. Girlfriend doesn't work (does the son?) and is now pregnant.

Maybe they are worried about what will be expected of them. Are they going to have to financially support the son, op and baby too? It's not their responsibility to house the son, his girlfriend and baby is it?

Aly92 · 10/04/2020 14:18

What a load of bullshit. Idgaf as grandparents they should want to be there for the baby if they love their son so much. They’ll come crawling back once you have the baby? Watch. They all sound toxic af. Leave and stay with your parents for a bit if you can while you scrape together some money. If he’s like this now it’s best not to have someone like that around you.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 10/04/2020 14:32

It's not the grandparents responsibility to provide for the baby. The parents are responsible.

I don't blame the grandparents here.

FortunesFave · 10/04/2020 14:32

Aly it's not always that simple. We have no idea what kind of relationship OP and this man have. They might not be perfect...I don't think I'd want my son's partner living in my house with a baby if she and my son weren't getting on....I don't have a son though so maybe hard to comment.

Saying that, if OP had nowhere, then I would definitely give her a home as a grandparent.

But she has...she has her own parents.

Aly92 · 10/04/2020 14:42

I just don’t understand where is the sense of responsibility . She’s pregnant is now the time to kick her out when they’ve been living there all this time. They both created this child and if they both agreed to keep it then he’s responsible to. I’m not ok with these kind of men backing o it last minute and the parents enabling this kind of behaviour. No wonder he’s like this. They seem to have a influence on him and not the good king. My in laws were the same so I could relate. They influenced my husband and they couldn’t have cared less that I was carrying their sons baby treated me like absolute shit while pregnant and then wanted to complain and cry about being a part of their grandchild’s life more. She should remember how they kicked her out when she was vulnerable the next time they think about he their grandchild. That’s all I’m going to say

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 10/04/2020 14:46

You've got no idea about the relationship though. If op isn't working who is supporting her?

It isn't the boyfriends parents responsibility to provide a home for them. That's down to the son and op to support themselves. You've got no idea of the situation. Maybe it was only meant to be temporary, maybe they are very over crowded.

His parents are not responsible here. Op and her boyfriend are.

ForeverBubblegum · 10/04/2020 21:14

OP- have you seen a midwife yet, if not you need to contact them soon as you will need to get a dateing scan in the next few weeks. Not sure what arrangements there will be with lockdown, maybe a phone consultation instead of normal booking appointment, but either way you'll be get in the system. when you do, don't be afraid to talk to them about the situation, they might be able to sign post local help.

As PP said you should be able to get £500 maternity grant, later on in the pregnancy. And also look up healthy start vouchers, you can get a bit of money off veg and milk, not much but it all adds up.

Will you be able to move in with your own family for a while? Or will you need to find your own place straight away?

Original poster
LotsToThink · 11/04/2020 13:31

Thank you all 😊
I have been to see the midwife and have a scan booked in a fortnight, she also told me that I could claim the £500 later on and about the healthy start vouchers going to help with claiming things at my next appointment. I will also be staying with my family for a while untill I have sorted out other arrangements.

The grandparents although saying they wouldn't be able to manage, wouldn't have had any of the responsibility of the baby as a pp said it is down to me and my partner to look after, we have been living together for the best part of 5yrs so they should know that I take my fair share of the responsibility by now, because although I don't work I help out as much as possible from shopping to painting and the normal house work. He has a job so they wouldn't be expected to pay for anything.
We are still getting along ( partner and me ) I just feel like we have pulled apart a bit, like not so cuddly it might just be reading into things to much because we are still talking so nothing is awkward on that part.

I will remember how they have been in the future, if they offer about a deposit I don't know about accepting incase they try to use that for seeing the child, not that I think they would but it seems I don't know them as well as I thought I did so who knows.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 11/04/2020 13:37

Wait so are you still in a relationship with this man who has told you he doesn’t want the baby? How is that going to work?

Annasgirl · 11/04/2020 13:48

I don’t understand- you have been living with him for 5 years, so why are you now living with his parents? Also, is it true you have not worked while living with your DP for 5 years?

FortunesFave · 11/04/2020 14:22

I will remember how they have been in the future, if they offer about a deposit I don't know about accepting incase they try to use that for seeing the child,

Hmm what? Are you not planning on letting them see their grandchild??

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 11/04/2020 14:34

Have you been living in their house for five years? Have you not worked in all that time? No wonder they aren't happy

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