Keeping pregnancy a secret after previous miscarriages

[Aly92]

I wanted to ask if anyone here has ever done this. I’ve had two mmc. And the first time being over the moon we told everyone early on but ended in mc. Had a baby after but the third time I was pregnant I didn’t tell anyone for a a few weeks in case of mc and it did end in mc.

I just found out I’m pregnant yesterday but with the quarantine I guess it’s been easier to stay quiet. I’ve not mentioned anything to my husband either. My period isn’t due for another three days. Every time I’ve miscarried it’s always been a week after my period date so a big part of me wants to wait until then or after I’ve had a 8 week scan (maybe private) if it lasts that long before I tell anyone including hubby. The back and stomach aches don’t help.

Have any of you kept your pregnancy a secret and if so how long? And does testing daily to see if the line is darker really help?

Hi @Aly92 we were TTC for over 2 years when we got PG in December. By that time I was convinced something was wrong with me and that I would have a MC, which I did at 8 weeks. I was really cautious and only told a few people - my boss because I was feeling crap at work and my Mum because I needed to talk to someone. Those people were invaluable in getting me through when it all went wrong and it was so much easier that they knew I was PG.

This time I'm strangely calmer but I still told my Mum when I got to 5 weeks. I know if I lose the baby I will need her. I haven't told my boss as wfh in isolation. I told my husband both times straightaway - it didn't cross my mind not to TBH!

Make the decision that feels right for you but I would suggest thinking about who you would want to be there for you if the worst happens as it is easier if they know - and if all goes well, which it probably will, they get to share in more of your journey.

On PG tests, with my first PG I tested almost every day - the line fluctuated. Some days it was darker, some days lighter. I really worried myself but in reality it was meaningless - I got a dark test the day after my MC started (very poor advice from a trainee midwife that it would be negative if I had miscarried which is completely untrue so soon after!) Based on a scan the embryo had stopped growing 2-3 weeks earlier I just still had hcg in my system. This time I did one test (faint) then waited a week (strong) and I'm going to try not to drive myself mad doing any more!

I waited until 12 week scan with #1 without a history of prior MC. This time we planned to do the same (save for having to tell work for H&S/risk assessment) and a few very close friends. We're actually contemplating keeping the pregnancy a secret for as long as this pandemic keeps us on lockdown. Last time people were thrilled they only had to wait 6 instead of 9 months because we waited to tell them so I'll make it even shorter this time haha. However as PP has said I'd at least think about telling someone close just so you have someone to talk to to get you through however things pan out. Keeping fingers and toes crossed for you x

Sorry for your losses OP and congrats. I'm in a similar boat to yourself. 2 previous losses, and found out this week I'm pregnant. I always told hubby straight away, and would also never consider NOT telling him! Maybe wait till AF is due, and test again, but I certainly wouldn't wait till an 8 week scan to tell him! Its his baby too. Surely you'd want his support if things didn't go well again?

We previously told no one both times- not even my mum or friends. (I did however tell my mum some time later.) With the 1st one, I had the NIPT at 11 weeks, and was SO close to telling them when the results came back. Unfortunately the baby had patau syndrome. 2nd pregnancy I MC at 7 weeks.

This time its even easier to not tell anyone with isolation. I have a viability scan at 7 weeks, so may (not fully decided) tell my mum then. Its a personal choice whether you tell or not. Some people need the support from people other than their partner, but for me, I feel more for the other person. Some people don't know what to say, might avoid you, might avoid talking to you if they themselves get pregnant etc. I also wouldn't have wanted the constant 'hey, how is the pregnancy going?', 'umm, well, things didn't go so well …..' I'd didnt want to rehash the entire story over and over.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do x

I’m telling close family members at 14.5 weeks, we are waiting because I have two step children to tell and I wanted to the chances of anything not going right to be much lower by the time I’ve told them. I’m nearly 13 weeks now and it’s not been a problem hiding it so far but I have been lucky with very little symptoms.

It’s been quite nice having it a secret and means once we tell them it’s less time for them to wait to meet baby! Xx

Also I should have said sorry for your previous losses, sending positive vibes your way for this time xx

Urgh your responses are so lovely thank you so much for sharing your journeys with me. So comforting to know I’m not alone. I’m very close to my mum but she never had a mc and no one else has in my family and she doesn’t get why I have then. She doesn’t get it’s unavoidable. My husband the second time just didn’t know what to do to be there for me. He struggles expressing himself emotionally and so it was a lonely process. Honestly if I’m honest he isn’t in a rush to have another he’d rather not but we weren’t being careful either. When I found out I was I can’t help but be so happy even if his reaction isn’t what I want. Maybe that’s why I’m holding back. I’m afraid it will be another mc and I’ll feel like a failure, even though I know it’s not my fault. I just keep praying this one sticks.

Ok so sorry for your losses hun. I guess I’m just afraid of him not taking the pregnancy well (we weren’t actively trying but weren’t being careful too) and then last time I think I tried to play it off like I was ok and in general he just didn’t know how to be there for me. It just ended up being a lonely process and I guess I’m afraid. Maybe I should just tell him and hope for the best.

Would I be entitled to a viability scan ? And how far along were you before you rang your doctors. I’ve only used cheap tests until now should I confirm with clear blue first ?

My first miscarriage we told the family on boxing day I was pregnant then at my 12 week scan a few weeks later I found I had a missed miscarriage it was hard telling people but at least people knew.

Second miscarriage the only people that knew were my husband and the medical staff I saw. We were waiting till after my scan unfortunately started bleeding just before my scan and again was a misused miscarriage. We told my MIL as we needed her to look after our 6 year old when I went in to have medical management and told her we were happy to tell other family if they asked as some had suspected I was pregnant again. One of my work colleagues wo I am friendly with outside work knows as we had planned something at work for me being there and had to let her down very last minute she had known about the first one. The first my manager knew when when I phoned her from the EPU to tell her I wouldn't be in. I called my sister and told her but haven't told my Dad as just didn't know how to tell him.

If there is ever a next time in will definitely tell people because as hard it was telling people I had miscarriaged it was even harder telling them when they didn't know I was pregnant. I wouldn't even think of not telling your husband you need some support.

OP- to answer your questions. My 2nd loss I went to the EGU at my local hospital. The consultant said that if/when I'm pregnant again, they'd do a scan at 7-8 weeks if my GP referred me. I don't know if this is due to 2 losses, or my age at the time 39?

My current pregnancy is IVF, and I must have been one of the last to have embroys implanted, as they have now shut, except for limited things. They normally do a viability scan because I'm even older now, and IVF has higher risks of ectopic. They also put in 2 embryos, so it might be twins!

I'd wait till at least the day of your missed period, maybe a few extra days to be sure, then call your GP. I just booked a telephone consult with mine. He called the previous EGU I'd been too, and due to my history, they are scanning me at 7 weeks (later this month). I also did a self referral for the midwife.

No harm in asking for a viability scan, esp due to your loss history. Did they ever do any investigations? Blood test for clotting factors, hormones etc? I know they generally wont until you've had 3 though.

As a side note, it might be worth looking at this website, and giving your mum some of the information about how common MC is, and its not your fault. FAR more common than most people realise.
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Thank you for replying that was so informative. Can you imagine, twins! That would be so lovely. I would love to have twins, would consider my little family complete 😍 no they didn’t they said they would do all that if there was a third loss. Thank you so much for the link I’ll deffo look into it.

Have you got any symptoms? I keep getting a bit of back and stomach ache and obviously that’s making me think the worst .

@Aly92- each of my pregnancies have had different, early symptoms.

1st preg- I had erect, perky nipples for 2 days before I'd even tested. Just thought it was strange and never even thought about pregnancy. By then, I'd been TTC 4yrs, so thought it would never happen. Constipation (from the hormones) started about 6 weeks. Morning sickness didn't start till 8 weeks with that one.

2nd preg- No erect nipples, but heightened sense of smell early on. Constipation and really bad morning sickness right from the start. Sickness and nausea was worse than 1st pregnancy, then all symptoms just stopped. Later than week I MC.

Current pregnancy- Erect, very sensitive nipples again, and very horny! . Constipation just starting and 2 days of nausea so far.

With all 3, I had aches, pulling sensations and sharp pain lasting seconds from time to time. I too worried it was AF starting/MC etc. I'd read that the hormones loosen the uterine ligaments, and these are often these early sensations. Wind and constipation can also cause great pain. With the 2nd, I was getting 1 sided pain, so went to A&E, concerned about ectopic. I have some small fibroids, and it was more likely the hormonal effect on these that caused the pain, as tubes were fine.

Sorry, my replies have ended up being massive. I just wish I'd know some of these things with my early pregnancies!