Depression. What do I do?

[Poppygirl96]

I don’t know what to do, I have severe clinical depression (which I had before pregnancy) and now has spiralled into pnd. Me and my partner have split and our son is 5 months old, I have anxiety I can’t sleep and I am finding it really hard to love my baby and I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

He doesn’t deserve me. I can’t look at my baby for too long without feeling anxious and scared (he is fed clothed warm and always happy) but I just can’t bond with him. I was ok when I was with his dad but we’ve recently split (my choice) about a month ago and my pnd has gotten much worse since then. I am on antidepressants but because of covid -19 I can’t get CBT/therapy and I’m on the waiting list for a telephone session.

Until then I don’t know what to do. I have tried to call 111 for more support and they are completely busy. I’m unable to even perform basic tasks for myself day to day apart from keeping my son alive and usually lay in bed all day and struggle to play with him.

Being single and lonely stuck in my house isn’t helping and I don’t know who to turn to or what to say (I don’t have any friends and I don’t want my family to judge me or think I’m a bad mum so I can’t confide in them).

I cry almost all day and lay in bed. DS is with his dad for the week who is trying to be supportive but doesn’t know how else to help me.

Every time I look at a picture of DS I get anxious and feel like a failure and like I don’t love him although I desperately want to and he reminds me of his dad and our breakup as well which makes it harder. Please any advice/what can I do? sad

I'm so sorry you feel this way Poppygirl. I'm afraid I have no experience or advice to offer but didn't want to leave without replying It's especially tough with services not working normally.

Can you think about confiding in a family member? You're probably harder on yourself than they would be - most people have at least heard of postnatal depression and maybe they'd like to try and help? Even if you don't feel you could tell them everything.

Also, perhaps you could ask admin to move this thread to a different topic? You might get more responses (because it's under "pregnancy" right now) hopefully from someone who understands what you're going through.

Well done for reaching out. Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you are feeling?

Sorry you're feeling like this. You do need to speak to someone - if you can call the GP or HV first thing on Monday, then do it because they can look at what's available to you. It might be you need meds reviewing or there might be a fast track for counselling if you are reaching crisis point. You are not a bad mum, you are not failing. You just need help, and that's ok.

@Poppygirl96 I’m so sorry that you feel this way but PND is so very common and it is absolutely fine to need some help! It is also very treatable and very normal for many women to feel like this. The most important thing is to reach out and get some help and it already sounds like you’ve told a few people, well done.

Tell you health visitor immediately and they should do a mental health screening on you and then make an appropriate referral. If they say you are now under the care of your GP I’d make an appointment tomorrow morning and ask for a medication review, I’d advise you to do this anyway to be honest as they are the only ones who can prescribe medication. Sometimes it takes a little time to get the right medication and the right dose.

You’ve identified that things don’t feel ok and it’s so good that you’re aware that you might need some help. Please don’t put this off.

I know you’re feeling a bit disconnected but again that’s totally fine, it doesn’t mean you’ll feel like this forever. Sometimes for us to be the mums that we want to be we have to take a little step back, help ourselves and then try again. It’ll be ok x

I would try to get an appointment with whoever is managing your antidepressants, they might need adjusting if they aren't helping with your depression.
There is a site called doc ready which can help you plan what you want to bring up in a mental health doctors appointment. Or make a list of all the things in your life currently being impacted by your mood.
Have you done a depression score questionnaire with a professional before? I sometimes find the one by surgery uses and complete so they can compare my score to previous times. Or alternatively there are various mood rating sites I use mood scope but there are lots of others. I've taken my results along to appointments before so they can see how my mood has been over the previous days and weeks.