Please do not read this if you're pregnant and worried about giving birth!
So.. I was told I'd have to be induced early (38 weeks) due to health problems. I immediately knew I wanted an elcs as I really felt strongly that being induced early wouldn't work as the baby wouldn't be ready to come and then I'd end up in an emcs anyways. Anyways.. every midwife kept passing it off saying I'd have to speak to the consultant which basically meant I was discussing this in my 37th week. I spoke to a birth consultant person and she convinced me to try the induction.. so I did.
Went in and everything went well. Waters broke naturally and went on the syntocin. Then the midwife miscalculated my dilation and said I was 8cm when I was only 4cm and had been for most of the day.. this meant I hadn't progressed in a long time. My daughter's heart rate accelerated so I ended up having an emcs.
My baby got stuck. They took ages getting her out and when they finally did she wasn't breathing and it took ages to get her started. I started heamorrhging blood (according to my OH it was sloshing all over the floor) and i could literally hear the surgeon panicking. Finally after 5mins they finally got my daughter breathing.
Then they said they had to take pictures of her due to the bruising.. apparently they'd struggled so much to get her out that she was bruised and omg... when I saw her... she was covered in dark, black bruises. It was awful. They wanted to keep her in the neonatal unit to check on her.
Overnight she started having seizures so they did a CT scan which showed a fractured skull and internal brain haemorrhage. Additionally she'd suffered a stroke. We were going to be transferred to st Georges for an op to relieve the pressure when the anti seizure meds kicked in and this meant the pressure was reducing.
My daughter was in hospital for 8 days before being allowed to come home with us. For me, the way that they had to tug and pull at her meant my recovery was HELL. It hurt too much to even hold her so I couldn't breast feed which was heart breaking.
Anyways, she's almost 4 months old now and developing well. And I am so so grateful but I just can't seem to stop thinking about what happened. To everyone else, When they look at her she looks like a normal, healthy baby and when they hear she was only in hospital for 8 days.. it just doesn't seem to quantify the absolute terror and pain that my OH and I went through. I feel like we went through this massive trauma and nobody sees it.
Is this pnd?
Do I just need to man up and stop dwelling on what happened or what might have happened?
This is my 1st and to make matters even worse, according to the doctors I can't conceive again for at least 2 years and need to be very careful. I feel angry at myself for not sticking to my guns and having the elective. If I had.. none of this would have happened.
Thanks x