When to tell people

[USER18888]

Hi Ladies,

I'm nearly 6 weeks pregnant now, first mid wife appt. at the end of the week.
I'm wondering when to tell people closest to you?
My mum in particular, I'm desperate to tell her like i would everything else normally. I would hate to announce to her at 12 weeks and her think I've kept it a secret from her for any reason.
Me and my partner agreed we would not tell anyone until we were out of the first 12 period when we discussed having a baby, he will completely support my decision if i tell my mum so its not that, i just don't know if i should. This would mean he will want to tell him mum, then where do we stop in terms of who we tell?
What have your experiences been?

Hi. We only told parents and I’ve told 3 of my very closest friends (there was no way I could have kept it from them without them knowing something was up!). Told work when pregnant women were added to the vulnerable list as I’m a nurse and work in a patient facing role. It’s becoming more and more difficult to keep it from other friends and family as I’m self isolating and no longer going to work - running out of excuses to tell them why I’m not at work without everyone worrying about my health! 12 weeks at the end of April so only a month longer to wait until we begin to tell others.

Wow, definitely no rule to it on here. Its lovely to hear everyone's stories.
I find it interesting that mums told their parents then waited to tell partners parents, was partner not upset about that? I would totally do it that way too, tell my mum and wait to tell anyone else but I feel we must keep them the same (partners mum and my mum), for no reason at all just in my head? So its good to hear a difference perspective of it.
Thanks for the input everyone, I've ordered some things online to reveal to our parents in the best way possible given the current situation

My 1st pregnancy was in late 30s, so I was well aware of the higher risks. We decided to tell no one till the NIPT results came back, and so glad we didn't. Unfortunately, the pregnancy had life limiting genetic disorder and we chose TFMR.

Next pregnancy I MC at 7 weeks.

The reason we didn't notify/tell everyone, was varied. OH's parents were living abroad, so didnt see them anyway. His mother cannot keep anything to herself, and their entire family/street/shops would have been told- even if I'd said we were keeping it just to close family.

I'm very glad I never mentioned the pregnancies at the time, esp the 1st one. People can avoid you (esp if they become pregnant!), don't know what to say and feel embarrassed about saying something wrong etc. I also didn't want the constant 'how is the pregnancy going?' . Umm, well- and you have to repeat the story over and over abut what happened. Obviously, if all goes well, then its fine, but you never know.

I'm now pregnant again via IVF (4 weeks 3 days) and just starting this journey again. Being in isolation its much easier to just not mention it. I may let my mum know prior to 12 weeks this time, but ideally want a viability scan first.

Its a personal decision between you and your partner. How would you cope if things didn't go well and people ask questions? Some people find relatives/friends are very supportive, others find they disappear and don't know how to react. If you tell someone in confidence, will they actually keep it to themselves? Only you can decide what is best for you.

@USER18888 I told my mum before DH mum with DS. I trusted my mum not to tell anyone (DH mum has a lot of sisters she's very close to) plus I was the one that was pregnant, not DH. Imo equal rights don't apply til after the baby is born.

I’m about 10 weeks. We told our parents and siblings at about 6 weeks. I haven’t kept it a secret from anyone else but equally haven’t announced it. My work colleagues know because I’ve been really sick with it and I needed them to be understanding. I’ve told a few friends too. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable telling any of those people if I miscarried.

I think it is a personal decision. I told work immediately as I work in a lab, and a few of my colleagues guessed based on adjustments. We told my partners family at 16 weeks and my family the week after. We have our 20 week scan tomorrow and plan to tell friends after that. My partner and I both keep ourselves to ourselves so this has worked for us, we quite liked having this little secret we both shared. I know this approach isn't for everyone, all I would say is go with what feels right for you.

we told close friends and family at 8 weeks as I had an early private scan done that day and told my manager a couple of days later. I haven't told my colleagues yet but i m working from home so i don't need to cover it up at all.

@user18888
I told my mum right away and told DH that I'd rather wait until after the scan for his family. I agree that it could be seen as unfair to let the maternal grandmother know before the paternal grandparents... but really depends how you look at it. For me, this is my first pregnancy and my mum and I are really close. It's my body and I wanted to be able to talk freely with my own mother. I'm not going to be despairing at feeling crappy and worrying about everything to my mother-in-law but I definitely will want to compare notes with my mum and have her view on things!

I also told my cousin at week 8 because she's a nurse and 4 weeks ahead of me. She made the wider-family announcement at her 12 week scan and I messaged her privately to say "me too" because it's such a crazy time to be pregnant and we'll be going through it almost at the same time.

Everyone else will wait until after the scan.

@Superscientist I admire you waiting until 16/17 weeks to tel family, I wish I had that willpower! I know if 12 week scan goes ok then I'll be bursting to tell family & friends! X

I see the point that the mum is the pregnant one and discussing with your mum is different. Sometimes I feel like I consider everyone else before myself.
I know after 12 weeks I will be desperate to shout it out too. I'm going for a scan at 11 weeks so will try to wait until then to announce it to parents/siblings, only 5 more weeks to wait.

I'm 11 weeks, have had scans and have told anyone who knows me well - as everyone who knows me well knew we were doing IVF to get the baby in the first place!

I've never understood how people have hidden IVF - I was insane on the meds and had absolutely loads of time off for appointments, if I hadn't told people they'd have guessed anyway I think.

We would/will also need a huge amount of support if we do lose this baby. Even a loss at 5 weeks would have been totally devastating and we would have needed support.

We will tell people more generally after the 12 week scan. I'm not a 'facebook reveal' kind of person so I will only tell people when we see them/talk.

@wannabebump we wanted to tell my partners parents in person but because they live a 5h drive away we don't get to see them that often. There was a family party on my side the week so we told them all at once there. My mother has a tendency to smother so I definitely wanted to wait until I was past my pregnancy sickness and 1st trimester fatigued (I have given up waiting for that though!).

I told my mum and dad last night - i am 5 weeks today. Feel so much better. Told my two best friends today as well. I figured that if I have problems or god forbid a miscarriage I would rather they knew I was pregnant in the first place so I can talk to them, they both have babies and one has unfortunately had a MC herself in the past. Not telling anyone else now for a while.

@October2020- I too had IVF but didn't have any issues with the meds! I was expecting hormones and moods, but didn't feel different at all. What do you mean that they made you insane?
Yes, I too had multiple scans, ever 2 days infact. Fortunately I work for an agency, so took time off beforehand. Most companies are supposed to offer time off for IVF appointments though anyway. We also don't live with or near or families, so that is how we have 'hidden' the whole IVF journey.

@Elouera they were awful. Horrendous moods plus developing OHSS, I was so poorly. Cried with relief when I did my last shot! Plus scans every days for a few weeks and then had lots of time off for egg collection... transfer was our only lucky thing because it landed on a Saturday!

@October2020- sorry to hear that. I didn't get OHSS, but wasn't high risk for it anyways. I do feel lucky though that things went smoothly thus far, and I'm pregnant from the 1st round. After 9yrs TTC and 2 previous losses, I'm well aware this is only the very beginning again. I hope you are doing ok now?

We told both our parents the day we found out. My best friend also knew, I thought I was pregnant and we were going out so didnt want to drink. All were so supportive when we had a MC so definitely wanted to tell then. We told extended family and friends about 14 weeks, we still felt too nervous at 12 weeks and told my team at work at 16 weeks when it was becoming hard to hide the little bump 😂.

Parents and siblings know. I've had two previous miscarriages, so took the view of, if this did go wrong I would want their support around me, so they should have the joy as well. I also told a friend at work, as I had mucked something up because I was so tired and then got emotional!

My last miscarriage my boss told everyone I had an appendicitis but didn't tell me, that led to some strange conversations. I also think it's better to talk openly about it, because else you don't realise how common it is at a time you're feeling like it's only your body that's failed. It's given me a lot of hope for this one as I know others have gone on to have successful pregnancies.