Mmc? Relationship issues? Need advice

[Pandabear24]

Hi everyone a long one I'm afraid but Id really like a bit of advice and kind caring perspective please. I have a 3yo daughter who is my LIFE, and am currently nearly 12 weeks pregnant. I have my first scan on the 3rd April. I fell down the stairs carrying my toddler at about 9 weeks and altho I didn't fall on tummy it was half the stairs and was forceful and scary - my intense constant nausea decreased from that day onward (altho am still occasionally being sick in the evening after dinner, and some nausea) and I've been concerned somethings not right since. My big issue at the moment is I feel no positivity anymore toward my current situation. Along with all this Covid19 stuff and the state of my current relationship I feel extremely conflicted about being pregnant, I am ashamed to say I don't want to be, despite knowing how lucky and magic it is to be able to conceive. I was so happy at the beginning of this. It was what I wanted. My partner has extreme anger issues and is likely depressed, has emotionally and verbally 'abused' me on and off for the entirety of our over 4year relationship, overcome his alcohol addiction 2 years ago which drove the worst of the abuse during my first pregnancy and the first 2 years of our relationship. And despite good times and some love in there too, he's wonderful with our 3 year old when they're together and they love each other, I am no doubt worn down by it never stopping, it doesn't ever end, I'm still standing because I keep thinking it will change. It doesn't. Refraining from sounding like I'm making excuses for him (which I'm sure it sounds like I am and recently can see myself doing it) but he is a good man really he just has a lot of issues he's never addressed. I have bared the brunt and been crushed by his behaviour for too long. He has just started counselling, finally, last week (video call due to quarantine/lockdown) and feels positive it is going to help him. But I am now in such a bad place with everything I don't know if my heart has frozen, if you can understand what I mean, and if I can keep going. My sparkle has gone my light has dimmed and my confidence wavers constantly. I was so happy to be pregnant, I found out at about 4/5 weeks. I wanted that pink line. But I now feel so naive for actually wanting this with this man at this time, when he is still the way he is toward me. Why have I done this? I don't feel I could ever have a termination, but I am hating and disgusted in myself right now that despite the trauma and utter mental despair and upset that would come with a non viable pregnancy, I almost feel myself wishing I wasn't pregnant. It's a horrid feeling. This is the situation I have put myself in, and if the pregnancy is successful I am sure I will love and be ever grateful once I have my two babies together wrapped up in my arms but right now I don't feel that way. I have had quite a few waves of intense strong back pain over the weeks, never any bleeding though, that haven't felt right, almost like back pain you'd get in labour. Does anyone have experience of how long symptoms can stick around for if a mmc has taken place? I still feel occasionally nauseas and am sick once some evenings, perhaps half the week. I'm aware this is a jumbled post, but I'm in a jumbled place, and quite frankly struggling, my life feels f**ked. I'm lost. I don't even know what I'm posting for but if you could give support advice experience etc, in any way, try to be kind to me. Thank you X

Anybody? Xx

Hi @Pandabear24 I’m sorry your feeling like this. I don’t have any advice to give exactly other than to say I hope this works out for you. I too have been feeling very down (horrendous morning sickness and constant nausea is debilitating) being stuck in with these restrictions. It’s made me question whether I need to have this baby- I understand that is for totally different reasons but I do sympathise with the way your feeling! I do feel awfully guilty and ungrateful when there are so many people around the world praying for a baby, but unfortunately it’s not something that can be helped.
Does your OH understand how you are feeling? How does he feel about the pregnancy?
Sending lots of love and positive vibes xx

@Zara1234uk Thank you, it's definitely contributed to it, the lockdown, virus, negativity etc. So has played its part in how I feel. But after a month and a half of OH decorating and flooring new rental house we've moved into, (my daughter and I stayed at my mums for this time), we finally moved in with him 2 weeks ago. It lasted 7 days. It was the first time he'd properly been angry in front of her/within earshot, and it was happening everyday, I was left anxious, unsettled, upset, crying, unmotivated to do anything in the house, everyday, left with my daughter to stay in the house (isolating cos of CV) and I decided to come back to mums briefly for some space because it was affecting her. She became very angry by day 3, started hitting me, shoving me, just completely "letting go" when she was angry and Was just unhappy I feel it was no coincidence at all that it was due to her hearing him being angry and swearing at me and being angrily frustrated and saying mean things to me within ear shot of her (in living room and us in kitchen). So I had to get away. But we're expected to go back. But I find myself in a terribly difficult place now and am realising a lot of things. The worst part is how much she loves him and just wants us to be together. She's incredibly perceptive, clever, sensitive and I worry about everything for her, hugely. Sending you a big hug back and thanks again for your reply x

@Zara1234uk I forgot to reply to say he is happy we are pregnant. He wants me to try to be positive about going back there to live with him and that he's hoping the counselling will help him feel better and give me confidence in living with him. Sounds great huh? Until yet again for the thousandth time in our relationship I am confronted out of the blue with horrible behaviour and treatment yet again, only to just go round and round in circles over and over. I hold on but it never changes. He's finally begun counselling, fantastic, but I probably feel worse and more wobbly now than before. I'm questioning whether I want this anymore and can't take it. He knows how I'm now feeling to an extent yes, but I don't think it makes any difference xxx

@Pandabear24 - please don't go back to live with him if you have any apprehensions about it at all. No matter how much your daughter loves him, or he loves her, you saw the damage after living with him for seven days. Being "expected" to go back doesn't mean that you have to.

There are plenty of resources available on domestic violence and you have no obligation to be there whilst he's getting help. Please seek some proper help and advice with this - I know you must be feeling very scared and lonely, but you don't have go through this alone.

Good luck xxx

Very sorry to hear about your circumstances, sounds incredibly tough. I don't think you should underestimate the damage verbal abuse can cause - to yourself or your daughter. Abuse is abuse and it sounds like you cannot live a normal life at the moment as you're afraid of when he'll explode next. That does not sound like a healthy place to live nor raise kids. If possible, can you stay away for now and see if he can really make some progress with the counselling. If he's only just started it, he probably has quite a bit of work ahead of him. In the meantime, figure out how you feel about the pregnancy if you were going to do it alone or together. You have options and you have all the rights to those options.

Good luck and take care if yourself x

@pandabear24 I am so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Children will always love their parent when they are young but you have to do what's best for you. Don't feel like you 'have' to go back, if you're not happy with that decision. I've not been in your situation but I do follow a lady on Facebook and Instagram who has been through similar situations and has children and she helps woman now to make the right decisions- have a look at 'Part time working mummy' - she is absolutely amazing. I'm sure she will be the best person to speak to about this.
I wish you all the best. Try and keep your head up & think about you. If you're happy, so will your little girl. If you're safe, so will she be.