Hi - I don't really know where else to turn as my boyfriend's priorities are the baby so I feel completely alone and like I'm a terrible person for feeling the way I do.
I also can't go to my doctors. With all that is happening in the world, we're on total lockdown and my doctor's are not accepting anything non-urgent.
I am 27+6 weeks pregnant and up until the last week, I have been 150% on board with this baby. I got really excited when she kicks, spent hours online shopping at all the things I can buy, looking into first aid courses for baby etc... but it's all kinda gone downhill. If she kicks now, I kinda just sort of roll my eyes and get myself in a bitter state when she doesn't stop.
This all started when I went to the doctors for nosebleeds, but the doctor noticed that I had low blood pressure and pulse issues. She ordered some blood tests to be done and it turns out I have NO b-12, like na-dah. Zilch. So I also had very dangerous low levels of red blood cells and iron hence that is why I was finding it so hard to walk around the house (I had taken to living downstairs as I couldn't go upstairs unless I crawled). I was told up until that point by my family and his it was just "normal" to feed tired during pregnancy - well clearly not! Anyway... this lack of b-12 has meant that I need to have 6 injections within the space of 2 weeks and that is where it all starts to go horribly wrong.
I have THE biggest phobia of syringes in my life. I am not bothered by the pain at all, it is just the thought of them. I have to cover my eyes whenever I walk into a nurses office so I don't risk seeing them or I go into an absolute melt down and we will have to try again another time.
My boyfriend (who has always supported the fact I don't like them) now thinks I am being incredibly selfish and that I need to get it done for the baby, and at first I agreed with him but now I'm having panic attacks, and can't get out of bed because I'm so distraught over it all. I know I'm causing so much stress for the baby. I'm crying every five minutes and the guilt is all I can think about... like I'm having to decide between my own health or the health of my baby.
And on top of that, I had my Gestational Diabetes test scheduled in for a morning, and then a b-12 shot for the afternoon. I had a complete freak out of course, and when they told me I couldn't have any one in the room with me because of the lockdown, I just had to reschedule for a few days time. Now I just feel like I'm prolonging the inevitable which has made it worse for me. My boyfriend is especially annoyed as there is diabetes in my family, I'm over 25 and I have a high BMI. So all signs point to the fact I WILL have gestational diabetes.
My nan has to have daily injections for insulin and reading online, this is also something the doctors will force me to have, and something I will have to administer on my own. I... I just get so upset at the thought of it all that I'm having chest palpitations nearly all the time and I haven't even been diagnosed yet!
Tomorrow I have my ultrasound as well to measure the baby at 28 weeks and I'm not even bothered. My boyfriend can't come, nor can my mum or any one else. Not that I need any one for that as I'll be fine, it is more the fact I have to go into a hospital alone where I know there have MANY syringes so I kinda have a phobia of hospitals too.
Ultrasounds are meant to be precious and nahh, I'm really not interested in seeing the baby tomorrow. All I can think about is how this baby is torturing me. Making me shake. Keeping me up at night. Making me look like the bad guy to my boyfriend and causing all these arguments. I don't know what to do. I can't run away because she'll still be there - attached to me - and the problems will just follow.
I'm just looking for advice really and I'm not even sure what advice that is!
Sorry it's a long post! and thank you if you stuck around to listen!