Wish I wasn't pregnant and bad depression :(

[RainMinusBow]

That's just it really. I know none of us could have predicted the awful times we are all going through right now, but I wish I didn't have an unborn baby (due in 9 weeks) to worry about right now on top of everything else. On Day 2 of 12 weeks of isolation.

She is due at the estimated peak of the virus. I'd planned a home birth due to severe anxiety (I hate hospitals) but this probably won't happen now.

My mat leave - supposed to be a happy and special time for mother and baby - is going to be spent pretty much indoors. No socialising etc. No classes or meeting fellow parents. Probably just PND and the constant fear something awful is going to happen.

I know it sounds awful, but I'm beginning to have very dark thoughts, wondering if it was better off for myself and/or the baby to die.

Another thing I have considered is adoption because I really don't think my MH is good enough right now to cope with the demands of a baby.

I just want her to have a happy mummy and that's not something I can give her.

I know how you feel. I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. Both DDs were born premature which was thought to be caused by me having an infection both times. I'm only 20 weeks but my eldest was born at 28 weeks so I'm preparing for this baby to be born from any point in May onwards (hopefully not any earlier). I'm so terrified of having a baby in NICU again while coronavirus is such a risk. I know children haven't been particularly badly affected but NICU in itself was traumatic enough without that extra worry. I had PND and PTSD after both pregnancies. I hoped, stupidly, that this would be the one pregnancy that would go right. I know it's so horrible to say but I wish I wasn't pregnant right now. I have two children already who rely on me. If this baby is born very premature, that'll be a couple of months in NICU, in the best case scenario and, obviously I wouldn't expose my other children to a hospital environment, not that I'd be allowed to anyway. So that's a couple of months where they couldn't even meet their brother or sister. I know that this is all worst case scenario. But it's a realistic possibility and it terrifies me. It's such a worrying time to be pregnant. All we can do is try to take it one day at a time.

Try to get some perspective.
You are obviously a very caring person and you'll be a great mother.
If you are having dark thoughts, you must speak to your midwife. Help is available.
Look on the bright side of a hospital birth. You will have access to doctors and better pain relief. I have to give birth on the labour ward but, having had a traumatic and difficult birth with my first, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
I am also worried about isolation, especially because my 15 month old will be missing out on so much social interaction. I ma trying to do as much as possible at home and we are still going to the park/walks. Make sure you exercise as this will help as well.
Good luck and try to enjoy it xx

Thanks both. I had two bad hospital births with my sons and I think that's playing on my mind.

First was an induction, second I was left with a student mw who broke my waters prematurely (they needed the room so wanted to speed up labour) and this resulted in serious consequences both during and after birth.

I've suffered with anxiety for years and have tried counselling etc but it hasn't really helped.

I will try to speak to my mw which I have but she just said to try online apps?

The advice from your midwife is simply not good enough. I really feel for you. Would it be worth calling your GP?
I get your fear of hospitals. I had an induction, and I bet I'll have another. Horrid.
I also had my waters broken, well an attempt was made, and it was bloody vile. I am refusing that this time.
It's not the best time to be pregnant, but we are where we are

I'm due in June and also feel utterly miserable about it. What if I cant take my baby to meet my family? Am I supposed to spend the summer sat indoors?
Just absolutely fed up with it all.

Also feeling very down about this, I’m due in a couple of weeks and only taking 6 months maternity leave, which looks like it will be spent pretty solitary if all the mother and baby classes, etc, are cancelled- we live rurally so we don’t even have people round about us just to see in the passing. Feels like Iv lost this special time that il never get back, which I know is pretty selfish in the grand scheme of things.

I know how you feel OP , I'm only 16 weeks pregnant but can't self isolate as my employers won't allow it unless it's unpaid and I simply can't afford to do it , I'm at a loss. Is there anyway you could join virtual groups ? Google hangouts ? Maybe do prenatal yoga on YouTube?

I feel the same!
Due in 6 weeks and after a miscarriage last year and years of infertility issues we were estactic to be blessed with our rainbow baby and I was so looking forward to maternity leave with lunches, coffees and sorting the baby clothes ect. The thought of no one seeing the baby after makes me sad, especially as it's the first grandchild on both sides. A holiday with the family we had booked for august will probably end up being cancelled and that upsets me too. I wanted to take our son to groups and classes and not sure if that's possible at this moment in time :(
My friend mentioned we can just skype ect but it is not the same, I dont want to be stuck indoors for this long.
I'm working from home for the next 3 weeks then on maternity which will also be stuck at home!

I am so sorry you felt this way. I feel the same way too. Pregnant with my third, which was a complete surprise btw. I found out two weeks after my husband lost his job due to covid. I already hate being pregnant, and needless to say we’ve had major financial struggles on top of it all. I feel so depressed all the time and have no bond with the baby. I think about running away all the time. When it’s really bad I sometimes wonder if maybe it would be better if I weren’t here. And this is all WITH therapy every other week too. I dunno, this pandemic is so freaking hard. I just want it all to be over.

@ktelizabeth so sorry you’re feeling this way. It must be utterly shit. But the feelings are temporary, you won’t feel like this forever. Keep pushing for support, medication etc. Whatever you need to get through the pregnancy. Stay strong x

@RainMinusBow I really do feel for you and I must say that I feel somewhat of the same thoughts as you do. I really do think you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling.

The end of my mat leave was ruined by lockdown in March and now I'm due in March 2021 baby no 2 and worry about what that year will be like. Our house purchase has fell through this year due to coronavirus (still renting a flat with another baby on way) and I've had pretty debilitating hyperemesis. I have a lot of things out of my control right now as you will have and I have to choose to not get too bogged down by things I can't control. Easier said than done.

People keep telling me the way I feel is 'pregnancy hormones' but I honestly think what we feel is genuine. Maternity in normal circumstances can be very isolating.

Please look for more support during this time, I saw an earlier comment of getting on Skype/Facebook video to catch up with people when maternity starts.