Gender disappointment

[Avearage]

So before you all come crashing in with how dare you!! I actually have no idea what I'm having as only 13 weeks.

However I read alot of threads hear where mums open up about how they and partners feel and literally they are shamed, battered with negative comments and why?
It's a reality people have emotions some they never realised they had until they are told.....
Little girls who dremt of a daughter /son all there life why isn't it ok in that moment to say I'm disappointed...... Nobody is saying they will love them any less maybe its a way to express here feelings they had even there partners don't know about so come hoping other mums feel the same only to be shouted down about how dare you say that you should be ashamed poor child?
Could we not open our arms and say you know what this is going to be a passing feeling your baby is perfect girl or boy and the love you have will be overwhelming when they are born.....
Don't worry lots of parents feel this....
It's normal....
Instead of shunning it like a taboo subject of shame!!

So hear we have it I'm praying for a little boy, if I have a girl I will love her all the same!

Moan over

Gender (sex) disappointment is petty and selfish and should rightly be scorned/criticised. Babies are babies. We're too fixated on gendered ideas, when each child is an individual.

All you’ve got to do after that scan is remind yourself that, that is the moment where everything you thought you knew about your future could have been changed. They can pick so much up on those scans these days. If you walk out of there with a healthy baby but the wrong sex you need to remind yourself you have just won the most important lottery you’ll ever play. Worked for me. I wanted a girl but by time I got back to the car I was OK because I pushed my focus onto healthy baby.

And when it pops out you’ll get that “Oh my God, this is the best baby in the World” feeling anyway so you’re feelings about the other gender will die off... till the next one anyway.

I see no issue if people have a preference -
I did. It 100% doesn’t mean that a health baby was my ultimate preference and I would love and be obsessed with them in exactly the same way.

I just find it quite small minded that people don't except these are perfectly natural feelings to have..... Amongst the 100000 of others we go through

I felt like I wanted a girl with my first. I got a boy. I adore my boy and not once did I ever feel like I was disappointed, he's brilliant. It is natural to feel anything, but in the grand scheme you'll not care when your baby arrives. With number 2 baby I'd had 5 miscarriages since my son so I was just grateful that I finally had a live baby.

I think most of the people getting angry in those threads are women who've had longstanding infertility and/or terrible losses. I wouldn't judge them for it.

Some people absolutely so say theory struggle to love a baby of the “wrong” sex less, so unfortunately what you say isn’t true.

Gender (sex) disappointment is petty and selfish and should rightly be scorned/criticised. Babies are babies. We're too fixated on gendered ideas, when each child is an individual.

Quite right

You are 100% right OP and I think more people go through gender disappointment than we realise !

The problem is some parents aren't able to let go of those feelings and project that disappointment throughout their child's life. It is cruel and unfair, and rightly a sensitive topic.

I think it should just be more widely spoken about and excepted not hushed I personally think when you can't talk about something without fear of the stigma it brings that's when it becomes more of an issue, I understand those with fertility problems.... Miscarriage within history feeling uncomfortable about it, I just think we except the topic of termination with very little judgement yet when I've seen mums open up about gender disappointment they are given a hard time....

People feel disappointment for all sorts of things all the time - and that's perfectly natural. However, to actually vocalise or show any feelings other than gratitude for a healthy baby is always going to be frowned upon by lots of people. I personally think it's the level of disappointment that some people show that gets taken badly by others. You might have it in your head that you want a boy - but you should be managing that hope now. It's unfair on your baby to impose your expectations on them before they've even been born! People have far too much time on their hands to be building up a whole life around their future child being one specific gender in my opinion...

I dreamt of having a child regardless of gender. That’s why I don’t get it when people get really upset I mean it’s not guaranteed it’s 50/50 why have a baby if your gonna be disappointed?
I might have never had a pregnancy let alone a baby without ivf as long as my child is healthy I don’t care.

I bought a pregnancy journal and one of the pages prompted me to write down the things that I'll be able to do with my child because of their gender.

I couldn't come up with a single thing.

I'm having a boy and literally could not think of one thing that I will be able to do with him but wouldn't be able to do with a daughter??
Gender stereotyping is pure wrong and so is gender disappointment.

@bookworm83
I agree absolutely with the first part of your post. But I don't think it's fair to say feelings you absolutely can't control are 'pure wrong' it's more complicated than that isn't it?

The LAST thing I wanted to feel was not only disappointment that I was having a girl for the third and final time, but also the crushing guilt that I felt like that- of course I know a healthy baby is ALL that matters, it absolutely is.

But feelings aren't logical or a choice we make are they? In my case the feelings around it were very difficult as I had a brother who died when I was a child and basically spent my whole life feeling like I could somehow make that better by having a boy of my own and carrying on his name. I felt crushed when I found out I wasn't going to be doing that and it brought up some very difficult feelings from the past. (Understatement). Is that wrong? I can't control any of that?

I'm pregnant with my third boy and didn't care about the sex one bit. In fact after two boys it just felt the norm to be pregnant with another one.
It was everyone else that was disappointed! Grandparents and relatives. The only clear reason I could hear from them for having a little girl was dressing them up in pretty outfits and the 'fact' that boys when older leave their mums whilst girls stay close.
I can't really understand the preference for either sex but if you feel disappointment then you feel it. Can't be helped.

I think it's shocking that anyone could make a person feel bad for this. It's natural for some (not all) women to have an idea in mind about a boy or girl. It's not something people should have to deny or feel guilty about. I wanted a girl as I had been imagining the baby as a girl. I'm having a boy and yes I had a feeling of disappointment, not with the boy I'm having but with the idea of the girl that I wouldn't be having. I can honestly say that the next day I didn't feel that way at all and instead was buying him matching outfits to his dad and talking about what he would be like

It's very triggering for those of us who have lost babies and would give everything they have ever had to have a healthy baby regardless of the gender.

I think we need to get over ourselves. We're so used to getting what we want that it's a shock for many to find out that, actually, on the issue of their child's genitals they're not getting their preference. Sometimes, mollycoddling and validating irrational feelings does more harm than good.

They say one day the designer babies will be a thing when you could choose gender, eye colour etc, creepy!

Ladies with fertility issues (I'm one of them) or losses have hard time reading about someone getting pregnant naturally on first try, termination thoughts, someone else's disappointment about the gender, etc, etc. best not to read triggering threads. I think these feelings should also be addressed. Someone else's life, choices and feelings should not be judged and us ladies with fertility issues should perhaps work on our own feelings, being upset about someone else's life and happiness is depressing and not all people with fertility problems have these feelings. This is selfish too. I agree with OP all feelings should be discussed in order to process them. I think the gender disappointment is a temporary thing that passes away hopefully.

@becausereasons I absolutely agree. Not all feelings are justifiable and require recognition.