How can I possibly make this decision?

[daffodilrosedaisy]

I hope this is the right place to post this - please feel free to move if not.

I found out on Saturday I’m pregnant (4 weeks 4 days currently). It was unplanned and I’ve been dating the father for 2 1/2 months. Not ideal. I went and spoke to him as soon as I could and of course he would prefer if I didn’t keep the baby (he didn’t say explicitly but he said he didn’t want a kid right now). However, I really don’t think I could ever go down that route, just from a personal angle - I don’t even like taking painkillers (let alone the horrible tablets) and although I’m not religious, I believe life is so precious and in a non-religious sense, sacred. I still feel bad about a spider I accidentally killed in the shower last September! I’m not sure I could physically or emotionally go through with ending it. However, I know my parents and lots of my friends would disapprove if I kept the baby as I’m just starting out on my career - have been in my current job just under a year. I’d be 24 when I gave birth, if the pregnancy was healthy and successful. I’ve always wanted to be a Mum, I’m quite maternal too. But obviously it isn’t the fairytale set up in a marriage and a shared home. The father said, when I mentioned about keeping it, he’d just have to work non-stop - so at least at the moment he’d intend on being involved. Financially I’m OK, I have a lot of savings from inheritance that I’d earmarked as a house deposit but I could use some of them to get by if needed (e.g. if I was on my own). However I know I’d be “sacrificing” a lot - my career, potentially, and my freedom in my 20’s. I’m not a big party animal or anything and I live quite a quiet life. I feel awful about the fact it would be an unplanned and unwanted child for the father too. I’ve even booked a consultation and treatment at the clinic as the few people I’ve confided in have all been talking from that viewpoint as if it would be the obvious thing to do, but I’m just not sure I could actually go through with it. The appointment is in a week and a bit. I don’t have long to decide. I don’t know what to do and I’m going crazy trying to think over all of this. Any advice so gratefully received. Thanks.

Hi,

I had a termination in a similar situation to yourself. I just thought to myself life is hard enough and id be making life even harder for my unborn child by bringing it into a world where i dont have a secure relationship or firm idea that he will be involved in the childs life. Now fast forward a few years and im 20 weeks pregnant with the love of my life who ive been with 3 years and i dont regret my decision for one minute. I always wanted to be a mum but i didnt want to be what i felt was selfish and do it in less than ideal circumstances just because i didnt want to wait. But that said - id never judge anyone else for making the other choice and keeping the baby, im just giving you my internal thought process to justify the decision i made. No right or wrong here - personally ive never ruminated on the decision so its been ok for me, but only you know if that would be the case for you too!

No one can tell you what decision to make, it's what's best for you. But I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason and trust me, as a person who's struggled to conceive when you actually want a baby it's really hard and a heartbreaking experience.

But I do understand how you feel. Everyone wants the perfect life. If it makes you feel any better I thought I had the perfect set up, I'm 7 weeks pregnant and on the verge of redundancy so life can go tits up even when you've planned it🤷🏻‍♀️ even my sister in law had the perfect relationship and split up with her boyfriend when her baby was 6 months old.

So regardless, life has its ups and downs. Do what you think is best. I'm 25 so I can relate age-wise. Just go with your heart... I'm sure it will turn out okay regardless xxx

There is no harm in attending the appointment you have booked- I had one booked in to attend and chat to them about how I was feeling and could’ve gone ahead with taking the first set of tablets if I had wanted to. But while I was driving to the appointment I had already realised I couldn’t go through with it and I didn’t want to, and talking to them about it just helped clarify this. So turn up and chat to them. They don’t pressure you either way and are very helpful at giving advice and helplines to talk to etc. It sounds like you might regret a termination though from what you have written.

Hiya, I was in a very similar situation but with a partner I'd been with a little longer.
I booked my appointment for consultation and whilst I was there that made me realise I really didn't want to go through with it. I was so set out in my ways ie I want a mortgage and to be married first, but during the appointment even the nurse said life can take unexpected turns, even if you had in the way you 'planned' that doesn't always stop it going the way you hadn't planned.
You have to do exactly what you want to do, don't let anyone's judgement or opinion effect that as its you that's got to live with which ever choice you make.
Not everyone regrets abortion as this choice was right for them, but many do regret it when they let other people decide for them.
Just make sure which ever choice you do take for sure is yours own and what you want. Best of luck whichever you chose will always work out in the end xxx

I fell pregnant in a very similar situation and I knew I couldn't have a termination. The father was a nasty piece of work and has not been involved at all. I do wonder how I will broach the subject when he is older and whether he will think I did the right thing, but he is so so loved and I know I did the right thing for me. It's hard to give advise really, because each person will handle the situation differently but having my little one was the best decision I ever made.

I kept mine aged 21 and it was just so so hard for 18 plus full years. I love my DS but I couldn't do it again. I had no help at all.
I really think you need to write down all the pros and cons. Work out the financial situation and discuss it with a counsellor to work out what you want. If you can prioritise buying a house or flat. I did and it was a godsend with a child. Especially as the mortgage gets less as the child gets older and so you have a lot more money.

Thank you so much everyone I really appreciate you all sharing your stories and advice. You’re all so kind. My head is still such a mess. Hoping to book a counselling appointment before my other appointment so I can talk things through fully. X

You don't sound like you want to get rid of the baby? and if you have doubts dont do it. You'll never regret having your baby if you go ahead with it.
I was 24, living alone in a studio flat had just broke up with the guy I'd been seeing for a about a month and found out I was pregnant, I was a party animal, the dad was an arse, and I had no money saved at all.. My dad wasn't supportive at first and called me a fuckin idiot. But that baby is now 5, that arse is now my husband and wer expecting our 3rd.. Hasn't always been easy but I no regrets.

Thanks so much - I went to a counselling session today booked it last night and it was so helpful. We talked about why some of my past experiences are making this such a hard decision for me (I’m a ‘people pleaser’ and find it really hard to make a decision just for myself without considering what other people want so I’m easily swayed by what they want). But she said an abortion would probably retrigger some past traumas. I want to keep the baby and I need a few days to come to terms with that and make sure it truly is my own decision and what’s right for me before telling others. The guy I’m dating said he wouldn’t provide any support if I kept it last night.

Congrats btw on expecting your third ♥️

Thank you and congratulations to you too!
It's hard but no matter what anyone's situation is its a big adjustment! I remember going to all my scans, getting a huge tummy but for some reason when I was on the labour ward i saw that cot.. That's when I realised shit! I was having a baby, only took me 9 months to get that in my head lol you seem smart and I'm sure you'll be a fantastic mummy, and itll be the '' dads'' loss if he doesn't wanna be around.

Thank you x haha it’s funny isn’t it when reality hits! I said that to my friend today, it’s so hard making this decision as it doesn’t feel real - two lines on a couple of tests and somehow that means there’s a tiny human developing inside me? Crazy!! Just hoping everything goes smoothly now. That’s so kind, thank you so much xx

I don't think you'd be sacrificing your career - it's illegal and discriminatory for your employer to hinder your career goals or progress just because you are pregnant or had a child. Provided that you still wanted to go down the same route, that is. Most companies area totally on board with working mums and realise how support increases morale. I work for a law firm and as soon as anyone informs them about being pregnant they are basically bullet proof. Obviously it's your decision whether or not you want to terminate, but would you always be thinking "what if" if you did?

Thank you @Peonypizza - that’s what the counsellor said. She said becoming a mother doesn’t mean you’re only a mother - you can be a working professional too, and still have hobbies etc. It really helped to hear that. I’m sure I can make things work. But having discussed things with the counsellor, I realised that I couldn’t go through with a termination. It’s like a big brick wall standing in the way of that path in my mind. We discussed the reasons for me feeling like that and it helped a huge amount.

He legally is entitled to give you some maintenance payments towards this child

My ex partner didn't think he had to but I've just had £30K from back dated payments from the last few years

Oh that’s a relief. Do you have any idea how much it is monthly? Glad you managed to get the payments through eventually.

Hi I did not want to scroll past and not say anything.
I'm in the same position. I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I've been with its dad 7 weeks.
Im torn what to do. I already have 3 children my oldest is 18. I had got my life on track, my freedom a bit. And a good job.
I gave up my job last week (before I found out) because I have been struggling with the work for a while.
My partner is happy either way this will be his first. But he also stats its too soon.
I would love to keep it. As in those 7 weeks I've never had a night apart from partner, as we get in so well. But I'm also scared as I know it's still honeymoon period.
So I feel what your going through. My advice is do what's best for you, everything else will fall into place.

I was in your situation 10 years ago... I kept the baby despite the father not wanting me to. Fast forward a decade and we are happily married with three children. Keeping that baby was the best decision I have ever made. No one has a crystal ball and no one can make the decision for you. As a starting point I would recommend you make a list - one side with all the reasons to keep the baby and one side with all of the reasons not to. That helped me. Good luck

I should add to that - I was more than happy to raise the baby alone, as time went on we realised we were a good couple and made an effort to make it work... which it has x

Obviously the decision is up to you but if you're worried about your future/career etc then I thought I'd share that one of my friends had an unplanned baby at 17, she's a hard worker and went on to study and have a career. She now earns more than me and I did everything "properly" ie career, house, husband, baby, in that order. There's always a way and your life won't be over.

I was also in your position at just under 25. I'd recently split from my partner of 2 years and had moved out.

I opted to terminate as I didn't want to spend the rest of my life having to be in contact with him. The timing was all wrong and I didn't feel ready.

I have never regretted that decision. Especially when I read on here the troubles women have with useless ex partners.

I always wanted to be a mum, but coming from divorced parents I wanted my DC to have a chance at a stable home life!

Don't let anyone pressure you either way. This has to be your choice.

I have similar experience as @Araz208 only fast forward 10 years and I have fertility issues with my DH. Still no regrets. Finally pregnant though and it's much better timing. Take a decision that's best for you.

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your experiences. This thread has been a comfort to me, so thank you. I’ve decided to keep the pregnancy. I’ve discussed my choice with my partner and we are meeting up this evening. It’s all so overwhelming but it’s the right decision for me personally. Thank you x