My boyfriend doesn't want our baby

[Kellyb92]

I’m completely new to this but so desperate for advice, so please be kind. Here’s my story..

There’s a large age gap in my relationship, I am late 20s and he is mid 40s. He has been married before and has two children (19 and 10). We have been together for just under two years and have had a very happy, strong relationship. I do not see his 19 year old son very often but have had a very good relationship with his daughter, who I treat as my own and have always put 110% effort in with. Unfortunately, my partner’s ex wife is hell bent on trying to make life as hard as possible. He is a fantastic father and is in huge financial battles with his ex (he currently pays both her mortgage and CSA every month) There's A LOT she has done to mentally hurt him over the two years we have been together, and to some I may seem silly for staying involved, but I fell head over heels in love with him and have always, always supported him, no matter what his ex has thrown at us.

That aside, we decided in September that I would come off the pill and we would start planning for a baby. This was very much a joint decision and since meeting my partner he has told me that he wants a child with me.

I am now 17 weeks pregnant, and our relationship is going through absolute turmoil. His ex wife very cruelly told both of his children that I am pregnant in an insensitive way - she has also said she will stop at nothing to split us up. Since then, his daughter has refused to see me. She is still seeing her Dad (not as often as she should be) but is refusing to stay over or visit if I am there. The ex wife has now essentially told my partner that he has to choose between ‘his family or his new girlfriend’, and is really trying to get in his head saying that their daughter's hopes of them getting back together have been shattered. They have been split up for 3 years and are divorced, may I add. My partner is head over heels for his daughter and has been distraught since this has happened, albeit isn't really doing much to resolve the situation, more just going with it.

At the moment, we live together in a rented house, but are due to be moving to a purchased house together THIS WEEK!! There’s a lot going on at once, but throughout this whole process my partner has naturally been very distant, said some very hurtful things (his freedom is being taken away now we are pregnant, he's having to start again) and has made the whole experience of buying a house and being pregnant a totally negative one.

There is only so much I can take. He has reassured me that it is me he wants to be with, but that he can’t live without his daughter. The whole situation has caused many, many tears and arguments and this morning before he left for work he told me that he wished we never tried to get pregnant and that he is not happy, and to me this explains why he hasn’t been supportive so far.. he simply doesn’t want the baby. I am so heartbroken and desperate for advice.

Do I wait and hope that he will change his mind and hope that things blow over with his daughter?

He can go to court to sell the house. Surely this was sorted in the divorce? I don't think you're been told the whole truth.
Is he asking you to have an abortion at 17 weeks to keep his ex happy? If so can you stay with him either way?

Cut him loose op.
Concentrate on your baby.
And contact Cms.
Reality check for him and ex there....

From your update he sounds awful
Yeah I don’t say this on here a lot either. I think you need to run!

He sounds awful.

There is NO excuse for treating you like this. I don’t care how upset he is about his daughter. No mention of his son, btw. He’s surplus to requirements like your own child, is he?

I’m assuming you can’t afford to move into the new house alone?

Do you have somewhere you can go/live?

I think you need to prepare to raise this baby alone, @Kellyb92. I’m so sorry.

What exactly does he expect you to do, terminate now at 17 weeks? Does he actually know what a late termination entails? It isn’t a thing like early terminations, you would most likely have to go through birth at that stage which is just horrendous. Of course you won’t be terminating, the baby was also very much planned for which makes his behaviour even more callous.

Personally, I’d cut and run. He’s an arsehole, he’s showed his true colours. You don’t need the hassle from his ex who he is still evidently allowing to give you grief. Focus on your (wanted) baby now and sack him off.

I agree these are his true colours.

The amount of men who change during pregnancies is terrifying.

So mediation isn't working - when is he going to apply to court? This is ridiculous. He seems to be letting her call the shots and emotionally abuse their daughter.

Something doesn't add up: SHE won't sell the house that HE pays for? Really? She has no say in the house and the kids are practically adults. If he wanted to sell the house, there's not much she can do do about it. He needs to man the fuck up.

”I do not see his 19 year old son very often but have had a very good relationship with his daughter, who I treat as my own and have always put 110% effort in with. ”

She’s not your own. It sounds like a bad situation for her, if neither parent is putting the welfare of their children first.

A bad situation for all concerned. I’m sorry for all of you but mainly for the three children.

She has no say in the house and the kids are practically adults.

The daughter is 10 - how is that practically an adult?

Op, does he not want to sell the house because it's his children's home? If so, I can understand that. What names would a man be called here if it turned out that he was selling the house his children lived in, essentially leaving them homeless, so that he could focus on his new baby?

He's caught between a rock and a hard place isn't he? If he chooses you and your baby then he loses his other children, chooses them and he loses you and the new baby. Very sad all round.

There are SO many men in the world. Why settle for (and get pregnant by) one with this much baggage??

FFS. Here comes @Hearhoovesthinkzebras to support the menz again

Do you ever, ever, ever look at things from the woman's perspective, with any kind of empathy (or even understanding, never mind sympathy)?

essentially leaving them homeless

Don’t they have two parents who are equally responsible for housing them?

Get rid of him now. It was never a good idea to get with him anyhow but now you know. What does he expect, for you to have a termination this late in the game when you don't want to? He's a fuckwit. Don't wait and let him bring you down.

Hi OP what an awful and terribly upsetting situation for you

Is the house purchase going through in both your names?

Assuming that you are jointly purchasing this house and that with a move date of just next week I would think you can’t back out without financial penalty. In the event that what I’ve assumed is true here is what I would do...

Move and make separate bedrooms at the new house. You plan your life for you and your baby, forget him and his family drama. What he has got going on with himself and them is such a huge variable you can not reliably take him or any of that into account. Discussions over you/pregnancy/baby/relationship cease with him for the time being. He needs to see how unreasonable he is being to be putting you in this position when you both planned this pregnancy/baby.

These issues with his ex and children are exactly that HIS issues to sort, it is not up to you to just disappear or terminate a planned pregnancy to solve it for him. He has to learn to solve these issues for himself and in a reasonable manner, and that’s not to say I’m not sympathetic to what is at stake here for him, but the fact that he continually has no backbone to show his ex wife is what has put him in this situation in the first place. If you were to vanish and there was to be no baby his problems with his ex wife would still remain, because that is who is ex is (he should know, he was married to her) and because he has been spineless and allowed himself to be pushed into corners for the sake of an easy life....well up till now (aside from getting back together with her) he has pretty much gone along with most of what she’s wanted, and how easy is his life??!!! Not very, so what is the point? He could always get a formal court ordered contact agreement and stop giving his ex wife such power and ammunition over his life and his own future.

He needs to grow a pair Op and until he can do that he needs to see and feel the consequences of putting his ex wife’s demands ahead of you and your baby, which is why I prescribed the route above and essentially separating from him in the hope this makes him see sense. If he fails to grow and pair and a spine then at least you have already prepared yourself for a life of just you and baby.

@BIWI

I'm not supporting the "menz" at all - I'm supporting the children. All the children and not just the ops which is what a lot of posters are doing.

What do you think should happen here then? You think he would be doing a good thing do you if he were to force the sale of this house? And then what? Where do his existing children live, of doesn't that matter to anyone?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Of course they have 2 parents who should be equally responsible but if the ex can't, or won't, do anything to sort out housing then what? She hasn't exactly put the children first so far has she? Maybe he's afraid that she'll move away with the children or just stop all contact.

I don't see how it's sticking up for the menz by acknowledging what a very difficult situation it is.

”He is a fantastic father and is in huge financial battles with his ex (he currently pays both her mortgage and CSA every month) ”

He’s not a fantastic father. He’s let all three children down enormously.

No fantastic parents have put in an appearance in this sad and familiar story, so far.

is the new house in your name? Can you pull out?

It sounds like his ex wife is a decoy to distract you from the things he's lukewarm, disinterested or wishy-washy about where he should care. Forget about what he says she's doing and look instead at the way he is behaving towards to. Remember none of us are more than a few steps away from being someone's 'crazy ex'.

Not a great idea to get involved with someone with children especially if the existing relationship isn't great.

Ideally he needs to force the sale and evict his ex and the children. As the resident parent it'll be her problem to find them accommodation. It may be a permanent rift with the daughter if she's been holding out for a family reconciliation which isn't going to happen. Not your fault, even without the house issue she probably sees this as her being sidelined and her dad moving on.

Sadly looks like you're now going down the single mum route. Lots do and lots manage. You'll have a new baby who'll fill your life with love like you've never known, tiring and so restrictive but so worth it. Just remember with your future relationships to be clear with them child first, boyfriend second. Your current bf didn't make it clear to you that you came second to his existing children (or you didn't understand the implications).

”Ideally he needs to force the sale and evict his ex and the children.”

You consider that ideal?

Fortunately, he can’t do it. And, let us hope, wouldn’t want to.

If he’s actually going ahead with buying a second house for his second family, presumably he has the wherewithal to pay for it.

Move into the house as planned. Tell him if he doesn’t want to live there with you then it’s up to him to find himself somewhere else to live. His ex is his problem and he needs to sort that out. He is treating you appallingly and you and your child deserve better.

”Move into the house as planned. Tell him if he doesn’t want to live there with you then it’s up to him to find himself somewhere else to live.”

Why would he do that, given that he has already told the OP he’s not happy?

He’ll have to pay child maintenance. He doesn’t have to buy her a house. And it would be far better for the OP to make her own living arrangements for herself and her child, using the child maintenance to help pay for it.

Oh my, what a situation to be in. If i were you, i'd be packing my bags and telling him to fuck off back to his wife being as she still has control over his life. He need's to grow a pair of bollox. Leave and. tell him its over and see what he does then. He cannot treat you like this, its his ex wife he needs to be telling not you. Sorry your going through this. x

Thank you for all of your messages. I have packed my bags and left this afternoon and come back to my parent's house. He has pulled out on our house offer.

He stood in front of me and told me that all of his anxiety and worries were now lifted that he had told me he wanted want our baby or to move house with me.

Truly heartbroken. He said we will come to an arrangement about paying for our baby, but didn't to me sound like would have any involvement, only pay towards. What a true coward.