All getting a bit much :(

[RainMinusBow]

Long story short, I'm 39 and 28 weeks' pregnant. I have two children already (9 and 12) but this will be my fiancé's first baby.

Long story short, he was rushed into hospital on Wednesday to have emergency spinal surgery and it turns out he has something rare called Cauda Equina where basically the nerves of the back are pressed so much it causes damage.

He has come home today which of course I'm happy about but he has a catheter in, he is likely to have this for at least another six weeks. He is barely mobile and of course this means I am having to do everything for him.

We don't know how much of his bladder function will return.

To make matters worse, the bloody dog is dying - she's becoming incontinent and has started vomiting.

I work full-time in a highly pressurised job and can't have time off - I'm due to start mat leave 10 days before baby is due.

Sorry to rant, I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

Op what a nightmare! I'm sorry to hear about DP and your poor dog too :( sending hugs you'll get though this

You have so much on your plate, you're Wonder Woman OP!I don't have any helpful advice, I wish I did, but for what it's worth you are absolutely amazing. I'm 16 weeks with my first and am overwhelmed by the tiniest thing, let alone what you're handling. Please make sure your reaching out for help from family and friends. If need be, you could even hire someone to help around the house even just to do the cleaning to take some pressure off of you. Remember to take some time out for yourself OP, and remind yourself daily that you are kick ass. Hugs x

@reginaphalange101 and @Jesskir89 Thank you so much for your lovely words. We both work ft but on low wages so don't have money for help sadly.

We don't have friends that can help. My mum lives nearby but she's been ill so don't want to put pressure on her. My dad and my older brother are both autistic and OH's family are not local.

I just feel terrified about how we are going to cope when baby arrives. Obviously we could never have predicted this, but really not sure we'd have considered a pregnancy knowing how ill OH would be.

I suffer from anxiety at the best of times and now I'm honestly debating in my head if putting her up for adoption is going to be the best thing for her. I know my OH would disagree.

I would honestly speak to your midwife or GP, they can point you in the direction of any healthcare teams that can help you at home during this difficult and stressful time. Please don't feel alone OP A million things will be running through your head and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. Unfortunately life can sometimes have other plans and make difficult roads but you and your OH sound like very strong people and I know you can get through this, you just need a hand hold. Seek the support you deserve, and in the meantime eat all the chocolate and have a long bath x

@reginaphalange101 Thank you, I will do. I contacted my mw last week before this even happened saying my anxiety was getting bad again (OH has frequently been having falls because of the back issues) so she is aware of some of it.

I'm under the home birth team and have an appointment next week so I will see what she says.

The problem is OH finds is very hard to accept help and will just say "Oh we're fine, we can manage". I don't think they'll be able to get us any help but definitely worth a mention as you say.

Good luck op I hope things become easier for you soon x

Not sure if an ot or adult social work would be able to help any with dp, but might be worth a ring. Explain you’re heavily pregnant and still working and he’s a bugger for “I’ll be fine” if you have to... my dp fills in assessment forms and gets loads of “I’ll manage” types who turn out to just not do it or expect family to do mad shit so they can manage.

Your own gp would be able to give you a sick line for anxiety/stress/whatever.. that’d let you breathe with work off the cards.

Dp might qualify for pip too, household might meet Uc criteria with lowered income too.

And as horrible as it is if there’s no medical reason for the dogs symptoms and she’s just surviving not living it’s maybe her time

It never rains it pours.

The problem is OH finds is very hard to accept help and will just say "Oh we're fine, we can manage"

At which point you need to say quite clearly that you are not managing. Like you’ve already said practical support is thin on the ground, don’t let him dismiss any offers.

It sounds awful for you all at the moment, try not to think about it all in one go, day by day.

Sad as it is have you decided that your dog is definitely at the end? I would encourage you to pts ASAP for all your sakes. It’s a kindness when they’re obviously at the end and uncomfortable and honestly this will relieve a significant portion of your current stress. It’s nothing to feel guilty about.

Next week talk to your manager about any support or flexibility they might be able to offer you. Even later starts/early finishes could take the pressure off an average day for you.

I know it’s so hard though. Day by day.

Dog is brighter today, I'll see how she goes. But I am monitoring her closely.

I feel I have to keep working at all costs from a financial pov and I'm only on temporary contract so can't mess them around as I hope to return to work asap after baby.

We don't quality for any benefits currently. He earns around £1,500 pm and I earn around £1k so things tight. Rent so expensive!

The irony is OH works for adult social services putting care packages in place! He knows how hard they are to get sadly.

I don’t want to be the doggy grim reaper but I just want to reiterate that you need to be realistic about how much she’s likely to improve. Animals can swing between ok and really not ok so quickly for a long time.

It’s absolutely fine to preempt a decline and avoid that, especially when you can’t guarantee she’ll have your complete focus. I’ve been there and the stress of that alone is crushing never mind everything else you’ve got going on.

OH had just asked me why I am so quiet and said I seem down - not sure what to tell him?

No time to stop - got to go and brave the weekly shop! Feeling a bit dizzy as can't bring myself to eat :(

Weekly shop - move to online shopping for the next few months at least.

I would get your children to 'clean' house and help with simple dinner prep. At 9 and 12 they could do a fair bit of help. Sit down with them and explain the situation and how you really need all hands on deck. Increase pocket money a bit to what you can afford, and do an extra 'movie' night at home maybe on fridays with popcorn to fuss over how helpful they are.

At 9 and 12 they can def learn basics like hoovering, changing bedding, run hoover around, simple pesto pastas. Get your dh to take over online food shop and delivery as he can do that sitting down.

Just be honest with him rainminusbow. I get he’s physically recovering himself at the moment but there’s nothing stopping him supporting you emotionally, as I’m sure you’re supporting him. I bet he doesn’t feel great about being incapacitated whilst your pregnant - it’s cuts both ways. I would be shocked if you weren’t telling him what he already knows.

You’re overwhelmed and exhausted and I bet he’s overwhelmed and frustrated. That doesn’t mean you can’t/won’t keep trying to push on through.

@Cornettoninja I guess so, but I don't want to make him feel bad. My mum keeps saying "You're pregnant, not sick." The expectation is that I carry on as if I wasn't pregnant at all! She also went on to say that she carried on completely as normal when she was expecting, but I did point out to her that she was in her 20's not almost 40, only working pt, and didn't have a poorly husband.

I just feel like I'm not doing enough for him I guess.

@RainMinusBow sometimes family are the worst in that way. Also when your mum refers to pregnancy, not only was she in her 20s, she is likely referring to a very faded, distant, inaccurate memory, laced in rose tints!

You have a hell of a lot on and if people cannot be supportive, that makes it harder. It sounds like some people are trying to be but your OH is declining, possibly due to pride. I agree with the previous poster, an honest and open conversation needs to be had that he does not get the final say on that. You need support and he likely may not understand how much due to this being his first biological child - and also possibly wanting to downplay his current health challenges. However he needs to put you and his family first, ahead of his pride.

Wishing you all the best and hope things improve for you xxx

@SarahD19 Mum just dropped by and asked how I was feeling. Very foolishly I said a bit down, to which she replied "Well it's not like me, at least he's going to get better." Has made me feel so much brighter (!)

I had Cauda Equine Syndrome while having young children (1yo and 2yo) so may be able to offer some perspective. This was in 2006 and those two toddlers are now teenagers.

I know it's overwhelming. I get that.

In terms of recovery, 6 week after the operation I was fully mobile. But bowel function took 6 months to return and bladder function about 10 months. So fairly long term, but did get better.

Your DH will qualify for the equivalent of sickness benefit payments. You'll also get tax credits. When i was I'll these were two payments but are probably all one now. Contact the benefits payment ASAP to get this started.

This biggest change in me was my perspective. Something so big happening changed my priorities. You may not see it now, but this change may well make him a better person in a better position long term.

He could become a SAHD, saving you childcare costs. This may be better for his own wellbeing longer term.

Short term - ask for help. Be clear with your Mum how serious your family situation is. You can't blame her for not understanding the seriousness- the amount of people I came across who thought it was "just backache" and had no frigging clue! Don't be afraid to be very direct with her - or anyone who you could ask to help. Your older children can help out too. Give them weekly jobs.

You will get through this x

@FATEdestiny Aw so sorry to hear you've been through it too.

We don't quality for any benefits as I have some savings I put away from my divorce six years ago which we need to one day buy a house (currently in small three bed rented which isn't sustainable).

And as he earns more than me marginally (I only get £9.50 ph) I don't think he'd be able to become a SAHD as couldn't afford it :(

Mum quite rightly is very bitter since she was diagnosed with S3 cancer two years ago and she wasn't happy with our pregnancy news so isn't really very sympathetic.

Had we known OH would suffer from CES we probably wouldn't have gone down the baby route but we couldn't see into the future.