Pregnant with first child and a toxic relationship with family (especially Dad!) how do I deal with this?

[Gemma0711]

Hi everyone!

So I wanted to ask advice from anyone who might have been through similar....

I'm 12 weeks today and have my dating scan next week. All being well (God, I hope so!) we will be able to tell people next week that we're pregnant.

This should be really exciting, but is FILLING me with dread! I am so nervous!

So, my parents are divorced, they divorced when I was 5, I'm now nearly 30. My mum and stepdad and sister on my mums side know I'm pregnant (as do my husbands parents, and some close friends), but nobody else does.

My Dad, has been really difficult throughout my life. Hes always tried to support me in his own weird way, but then also tears me down when he really wants to. He was scared about me moving away to uni so he told me that I'd fail and I shouldnt go. He argued with me about it every weekend for a year, and of course I went anyway. I was a straight A student so he had no reason to believe I would fail. My Husband says that in the 7 years hes been with me, hes never seen my dad do anything emotionally supportive for me and although I keep giving my dad chances, I think my Husband is right. I grew up in Wales where my dad still lives, and I now live in Suffolk. In the 11 years I've been moved away, my dad has been to see me twice. And once was because I made him attend my uni degree show to prove to him that I'd done it. So in the 7 years we've been together hes actually only been to see me and my SO once!
Last year, we got married. My Dad has social anxiety which I understand as I have had it, but where I had therapy, he is refusing to do anything about it. A year before my wedding, he told me that he couldn't make a speech, didnt want to stay in the same hotel as me the night before the wedding, and wouldnt sit at the top table. We actually had a small wedding at a registry office with 50 people, and a reception in the function room of a pub. But I wasn't surprised by his decision. 4 months later he decided he wasnt going to walk me down the aisle. But he wouldnt let my stepdad do it, and insisted my eldest brother do it. In a bid to please him to get him to turn up, I let my brother do it, which he did.
2 weeks before the wedding, he messaged me to say he didnt want to wear a suit, wasn't going to come to the family meal the night before the wedding (it was just immediate family!!! Like 12 of us!) and wasnt going to come to the evening do of the wedding itself because its "not his sort of thing"
In the same week I got a message from my younger brother (whose very similar to my dad!) telling me he had to work so he wouldnt be at my wedding. Dad had put him up to this, and he I knew he already had the time off work, because he works at the same company as my stepdad.
Then, my Dad kicked off because I'd had to sit my 20 year old brothers on a table with our (lovely) uncle. And made me rearrange the whole table plan to put him with his kids. Then 10 days before the wedding he announced that he wouldnt come in the car with me on a 3 minute journey from the hotel to the registry office.
Then, of course, 8 days before the wedding he text me to say he wasnt coming.

That was nearly a year ago. Hes phoned me once since then, and it turned out to be because my Nan made him! I've had 6 text messages from him since the wedding. No apology, and he hasnt asked how the honeymoon was. He did give us £1500 towards the wedding which was amazing, but pales in significance to the amount of stress he caused.

My stepmum and 3 siblings all live with him. I really miss my stepmum and 2 of my siblings and I know theyll be thrilled to know I'm pregnant. But how the hell do i tell my dad that I'm pregnant with his first grandchild?

I dont want him to have the same effect on my kids as he did on me, and i dont know how to deal with my relationship with him from here on in!

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Its causing me a HUGE amount of stress and I'm really freaking out about telling him! How the hell do I tell him? I feel so guilty about it all! I hope that my priorities shift when I've got kids and I dont worry about it so much!

Well he sounds like hard work! Could you sort of make it about him, send a message saying congratulations dad you're going to be a grandad!
I dont have a good relationship with my dad and havent had any acknowledgement of my dc born nearly 7 years ago and I haven't even told him I'm pregnant this time. What's the point!

I'm very sympathetic because I have a really awful dad and I'm so glad I've finally cut that toxic element out of my life. (Not to bore with details, but for example, everyone including both ex-wives, two other children, only brother etc all cut him off before I did. He sued his mother over his dad's inheritance. The list goes on).
Just don't tell him about your baby. You don't want that kind of stress and unhappiness as a mother. He won't be a good grandfather. You are not responsible for him. Your responsibility is the safety and well-being of your child.

His controlling-ness about your wedding sounds so familiar. My dad was the same. Except in the end I told him not to come, and said I'd celebrate with him separately (he also is anxious in big social situations so it wasnt just me being mean). He reacted by totting up the cash gifts (not much) he'd given me over the past ten years and demanding repayment (conveniently forgetting times I've treated him to a holiday etc). I borrowed from my DH and told him it was a severance payment and never to contact me again. Such a huge weight gone!
Sorry to derail with my own story. But really, cut him out now while it's easier to do.

Wow, I can relate to this so much. My parents were were both very psychologically damaging towards me and my brothers growing up. As soon as we tried to become independent, they couldn't handle it. Too much 'change'. I wasn't 'allowed' to move away for uni, and was constantly told I would 'hate it anyway'. They just wanted us all to stay living together forever it seemed :/
When I met my partner 10 years ago it got extremely bad, as he lived miles away and my mother especially couldn't deal with it. To cut a long story short, I had to run away from home at 19.
Luckily everything worked out with my partner and now I'm 36 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has met my mother once, and never wants to again. I have pretty much zero support from them - I try and go up to see them alone a few times a year but our relationship is strained. They have never once visited me and they have no concept of anything being wrong with that.
I told them I was pregnant via email!
The strange thing is, they have sent me a few outfits for the baby and I get a text from my dad every 3 months or so. But if I ever I call them it's strained and weird so I don't bother.
I know for a fact my daughter won't have a relationship with them. I expect at some point we will go up there so they can meet her, but that's about it. I'm in the same situation I don't want my daughter to experience any negativity from them which I have been through. I expect they'll send cards on her birthday and I'll email the odd picture or video of her, but that's it really.
Its hard, but I've had 10 years to come to terms with not really having parents anymore. My OH is fantastic, as is his mum (My substitute!) So I know everything will be fine.
You do what feels right by your child.