How do I tell friend who had late miscarriage that I am pregnant?

[Isthistrueor]

I’m 19 weeks and have the anomaly scan on Friday. I don’t see this particular friend very often but we do message one another most days. DH and I haven’t told anyone aside from employers about the pregnancy just yet, we decided to wait to tell anyone until after the anomaly scan so it’s not just a case of avoiding telling her. We’re planning on announcing over the weekend but I wanted to give this friend a heads up beforehand, my question really is- how?

She had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks almost a year ago and she’s still understandably full of grief. I think the fact I will be 20 weeks when I announce and it’s almost the year anniversary of her miscarriage will make things much worse. I’ve had three miscarriages myself, two were MMC and one chemical but none quite as late as her so I understand her pain to an extent but feel hers was more severe. She had confided in me in the past about struggling with pregnancy announcements so I know this will hurt her which is making me feel dreadful.

I’m basically asking if anyone has any advice on how to actually word the message? I will text of course, I know telling face to face is a terrible idea!

You sound like a lovely friend for caring about hurting her so don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve had your own struggles and you deserve to be happy with your pregnancy. Part of her dealing with her grief is going to be challenging situations like this one.. she may have made comments about announcements before never thinking that you would one day be doing yours

Could you maybe miss out the weeks bit? Then let her ask in her own time so you’re not just coming out.. so tell her and let her know you’re pregnant first of all?

I had a late miscarriage at 19 weeks back in November and a close friend announced her pregnancy at 12 weeks by posting a pic of her 12 week scan into a group whatsapp with no warning whatsoever. The shock of seeing it on my screen hit me very hard and I was upset for a few days. I wasn't angry or upset about her pregnancy because of course it's happy news but I was upset that she obviously didn't think about me at all when it came to making her announcement. The fact that you are clearly thinking about it and want to do it in the most sensitive way will mean a lot to your friend and yes, she might be upset for herself especially if she is actively trying to get pregnant again but she will appreciate that you care enough about her to tell her individually.

I agree that in person might not be the best option so just be honest in a text and let her know that you're thinking of her pain too and she won't hold such happy news against you

You sound lovely. Text sounds like a good idea, and acknowledging that these things are hard to hear and you’ll take your lead from her, don’t mind if she wants a break etc. I’d maybe also say to her that you haven’t told people in general yet if that is the case. I used to hate the idea I was being told much later than everyone else because I had a sad story.

Yes, I definitely want her to be aware we haven’t told anyone yet so she doesn’t think she’s being told much later for out of sympathy. I think it’s mostly the fact she has confided in me about being upset when she hears other announcements, I’m so anxious about being one of those people! I’m just panicking about her no longer wanting to be my friend, I’d be quite upset as we’re fairly close although I’d understand.

I have been in your friends position & I have also been in yours. As long as she hears it from you in a private forum (ie not an announcement on fb or group chat) she will feel respected. Just let her know you were thinking of her & you want her to be included as much or as little as is comfortable for her.

You sound lovely. I’d probably send a message along the lines of “I know this is likely to be upsetting for you after all you’ve been through and especially at this time of year, so wanted to give you the heads up first so you can avoid social media...” etc. Let’s her know that you know how hard it is, acknowledges that it is almost a year and let’s her know that you’ve told her first. And yes, text always the way. I found it easier to fake delight in a text message than I did over the phone or in person!

I had a mmc at 11w so not the same situation but I do remember my husbands best friend since childhood and my friend since I met my dh, the day he told me they were expecting, they had found out their good news i think the week after our bad news. They waited until after the 12 weeks to tell anyone. He told my husband first while they were having tea in the kitchen, I went in to the kitchen for something and dh said " oh these lads have some news" I looked at his friend the poor guy looked at me in shock, he paused and stuttered and didn't know what to say, he was bright red, he rhroe dh the worst look for putting him in that position, dh finally told me the news as his friend jsut couldn't get the words out, I felt so bad for the guy, it should have been exciting news for him but it made him feel awful. Anyway I was upset in myself but delighted for them as they are close friends, I gave him a hug then went in to the sitting room to text his oh and have a small cry for myself, then I felt bad for getting upset, but thats just hormones and grief, we found out the week after that we were 4 weeks. You seem like a lovwly person and even if your friend has a little moment of upset herself she will appreciate how much you cared about her and that you wanted to not hurt her.

I haven't announced my pregnancy on social media and I don't plan to. I have a friend who is TTC, and I did tell her, but having losses before, I just can't be arsed with the whole announcement thing. I am hypersensitive and I can just see one tactless comment pissing me off or upsetting me. I'm waiting until after the birth, because I don't think I'll care less by then.

No scan photos or any of that. I am in my 40s though and I experiencing MCs myself I wonder how many of my friends have been through it too and I knew nothing about it?

Not to say you shouldn't announce it if you want to. Even when I was going through it, I was still pleased for other people. But then I haven't been through IVF or any of that, and we have a little boy too. Don't know really. Just felt like the right thing for me this time.