6 month relationship and unplanned pregnancy

[Imani0804]

Hi Everyone,

I am on the lookout for testimony of people that might have lived the same situation I am in, and get advice, point of views, that will enable me to reflect a little from on an outside point of you.
I am a 33 and have a lovely 4 year DD, after 9 years with her dad we separated about 2 years ago.
For 6 month now I am dating again; He is a great guy, he is totally different from what I have known for the past years. He is very open and good at communicating his feelings, we value each other time and try to give each other as much quality time together as time apart, we really starting to fall in love for each other in a very healthy way. He is 30 years with no kids.
I recently found out while am on the pill that I got pregnant, I was terrified, confused and very emotional about it, that same evening I am telling him, he doesn’t seem upset but rather confused and shocked too. We don’t talk much about it that night.
The next evening he tells me “Let’s talk about it, How do you feel?”
I said:

CONS:

• Scared cause we only been together 6 month
• Am sure he be a good dad but not sure if he is ready for it
• In case it did not work out between us I did not want to be alone with 2 kids PROS:
• I would love to give my LO a sibling
• A baby is not easy but brings a lot of joy and want to expand my family

But at the same time I said, unplanned pregnancy is one thing but unwanted is something I don’t want to force on anyone so if he did not want it I would respect it and consider it.
I asked him the same question and he only had CONS answers such as, its unfair on us in such a early relationship, I don’t think am ready, It will change my plans. He also mentioned things like I have no doubt you be a great mother, me not wanting the pregnancy does not mean I don’t want you, but all that I could not ear it no more as I was crying and could only focus on the fact that while I was having a 60/40 chance of keeping or not, he gave me the impression of not giving it a chance at all.
While he begged me not to go I left his place crying, I needed to have that ugly cry, the screaming cry and I while I did I felt lonelier than ever, I had mixed feelings such as this is my baby too, this is my body and the decision to keep it or not will forever change my life, it the anger and confusion of it all I blocked his number, everything so he could not contact me and I can think on my own.
It only lasted 24hours for me to calm down and realise I need to unblock him, during that blocking time he tried calling me, came to my work and home but I was no where to be found cause I isolated myself.
Once unblocked he told me how disappointed he was in my reaction, he felt at a loss, unwanted and that he hates the feeling that I could drop or change everything in the space of 24hrs and that’s exactly why he is scared of relationships.

So now we are dealing with a pregnancy where we are at 70% no and 30% yes and him feeling disappointed in me which results in him being a little distant atm.

Have some of you gone through abortion in early relationship? Did you guys work out? Early pregnancy, did it work out? Do some of you first did not want it and after decided to keep it?
I value this relationship and want to give it a fair shot, and now I am in fear to regret if I go with the abortion and also the fear to loose our relationship.
Like I said I do not want to force a pregnancy on anyone so am open to both option but I would love to hear and speak to some of you who might have gone through similar experience.

Thank you for those who to the time to read me.

I have a feeling that if you choose to abort, this relationship won’t survive anyway.
You won’t be forcing anything on him, all he legally has to do is pay maintenance.

I’m 25 and I got pregnant after just 4 months of being with my boyfriend... he cried and begged me to abort etc and we argued for weeks but I chose to continue anyway in the end and said I would do it with it without his support. He decided to stay and is now excited for the arrival in a few months. It’s your choice and it sounds like you want to keep the baby, there is no point getting an abortion if you’re just going to regret it and resent the person who pressured you into it.

Sounds like you have a mature, supportive, lovely guy there. I feel like he would take care of you and be a good father to both his child and your LO.

I am currently 6 days overdue with my first. We are having a little girl. My partner and I have been together for a year. So we weren’t even together for 6 months! But saying that - you know when you just...know? Everything just feels right, even from the beginning. And so this pregnancy wasn’t even an accident. We DID get pregnant by accident, and that ended in miscarriage. And so we discussed what we should do, as I had come off the pill due to pregnancy. And the decision was made that essentially, what will be will be. If I didn’t pregnant, that would be fine. And if I did, that would be brilliant. So literally within 2 weeks of miscarrying, I fell pregnant. We were over the moon. Still are. It felt like it was meant to be.
We have been living together since we got back from our holiday in Turkey, the end of June last year. I was quite nervous about it but he is so easy to live with. No problems at all and we are so ready to be a family. We even have a little puppy lol

So really... I would say listen to your instincts. I never would have thought about getting an abortion, but that’s just me, you may decide differently. But I know that if we were telling anyone we were pregnant after being together for so little time, we would say that if you’re gonna split up, you’re gonna split up. Whether you wait 6 years to have a planned baby together, or 6 months. Having said that, I know that having a child may put strain on the relationship at times, but i believe if it’s meant to be then it is meant to be. You do these things together. So I suppose ask yourself some important questions and decide. Especially with how he treats you, if he is emotionally available, supports you, is he prepared to take care of the family if you are going to go on maternity leave, does he do his fair share around the house, do you get on with each other’s families, etc. Things that are important in the long run, especially as a family.

To add, my parents were actually together for around 2 months I think they said, before actually planning to try for a baby. Then along I popped, and so did 3 more. 4 children and happily married.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Xx

Ultimately, this is your body and therefore technically and legally, currently, your baby, no one elses. Of course it is also his baby but only once the baby's born. Currently, he cannot force you into any decision but you asked his opinion and he has a right to tell you honestly where his thoughts are about it.
But that just means you know that that's where he is and it may impact your decision to keep the baby or not but that's all it is, information for you to use towards firming your decision. And I think in this instance, you need to take him out of the equation because it's clear that he can't be relied upon to be there for you and your baby as he maybe otherwise would be. I don't mean break up with him necessarily, I mean take him out of the decision making. You need to decide for yourself what you want to do and not let his opinion sway you either which way because this is too big a life changing decision for you to base it on a 6 month relationship that may or may not work out either which way.
So you do what is right for you and if he decides to step up and be there for you, brilliant, but if not, you knew that going in and it won't be such a shock.

Wishing you all the best.

Sorry, I skimmed the last part of the post! But my point still stands. Sorry hun!

If you abort the chances are the relationship will break down anyway. An unplanned pregnancy is always difficult but even more so when it happens early in a relationship. You barely know each other really, you don’t know how he will act as a Father or how he wishes to raise his child- it may differ drastically from you.

You do also need to consider your existing DC first and foremost and how this will affect them. Not only will they have a brand new ‘step dad’, they’ll also have to contend with a new sibling which is a lot to deal with.

I would go forward as though you’ll be a single Mum of two, is this something you could cope with?

I truly appreciate all of your inputs and personal stories. @Catlover10 @yelyahyoung am very happy for both of you and wish you all the best in this new adventure.
But to the question of " Would you cope to be a single mum of 2" asked by @Nowayorhighway my first answer would be "No".
My first born was made out of love from a 9 years relationship and wanted from the word go and even thou her father and I have decided to go seperate ways we both love her so much and do co parenting the best we can. I would not feel like I give this new baby a fair shot if it starts already by being unwanted by one of the parent.
And on the other side my mother instinct kick's in and I dont want to even mention the words abortion cause it makes me feel shameful and unworthy to even be blessed to carry life.
I have an appointment on Monday for a scan and talk about the options, I'll try till then to think rationally and maybe even do a real pro's and con's onto what decision to make. Again thank you everyone so far. It makes me feel a little less lonely to read you.

I agree with PP that this man sounds nice and caring. See if he can come to the scan with you and his feelings about the baby might change. Even if you don't stay in a relationship with him, you could still be friends and he could have some involvement with his child.
Of course it is completely your decision, your body, and you don't have to feel guilty whatever you decide because your decision will be based on good intentions for everyone. However, my vote would be that I think you might be unhappier if you abort.
Maybe I'm biased but my mum was/is a single mum of two, I'm the younger sibling. Basically no involvement from my dad. I had a great time growing up and wouldn't have changed any detail. So glad my mum chose to keep me!

I was pressurised into an abortion years ago by my then bf, now ex-husband. We stayed together and it was a disaster. He changed completely once married and pg with first child. The abortion was actually a minor part of the reason we separated. At the time i was relieved the situation had been taken out of my hands as I was 50/50 and it would have meant giving up my career, although I would have been happy to get married and have the baby.

You have to be prepared to go it alone, manage jobs, children and life on your own and not rely on him 'coming round' and staying with you as a family. He will have to pay maintenance but you may not get any emotional support from him. If you do stay together and he really doesn't want a child at this time in his life, he may come to resent you and the relationship may break down further along the line, causing even more distress.

Of course it may all work out and he is really happy to be with you and the baby, but his distance now is showing he already resents this situation.

Now I don't regret the abortion because I had the chance to finish my training and have had the means to support myself in the face of an abusive marriage and the opportunity to leave it.

I became pregnant in the first 6 months of a new relationship. My partner was also shocked - we didn't live together, starting careers etc. He said he would support me whatever decision I made and never put any demands on me at all. I was aware that I may well have ended up a lone parent when I made the decision to go ahead with the pg as the relationship may not have lasted but I knew he was a good man.

When I told him I wanted to go ahead he took a deep breath, asked for a minute to catch his thoughts and then gave me a big hug and said he would be there.

Our daughter is now 17, we are married and have more children which were planned for and want more.

So it can work out - but go into it with the knowledge you may end up being a lone parent. I also think from how you have written this that you want the baby so your relationship may not survive

I was married for 8 years until the idiot up and left and quite honestly I'm glad he did because we werent compatible anymore and the last 5 years of our marriage had been a nightmare as we struggled to get pregnant.
Fast forward to now and I've been with my new guy for 8 and a half months he asked me to be his wife three weeks ago and were currently 16 weeks pregnant.
He literally fixed my heart and has given me all I've ever wanted. Were looking for a house and my divorce is imminent so my fairy tale is pretty complete.
Yes it's been hard, we both wanted a baby and we both knew we were each others soul mate from day one. We will no doubt have moments where things will be crazy and difficult but were a team so it can have a happy ending if you let it blossom.

I would have an abortion. You don't know someone well enough after 6 months and he has already said it isn't something he wants. If you abort and you stay together, you may have a wonderful life together. If you abort but break up, you will find someone and they will hopefully want to have children with you. If you keep the baby and he leaves, you raise two children by yourself with him have to pay you child support. If you keep the baby and you stay together, he could resent you and the life he could have had.

It is ultimately your decision but he must also have a say and he must be listened too.