How to tell friends?

[newlymarried2019]

Morning MN!
Sorry for the long, stream of consciousness post.

I will be 12 weeks pg on Tuesday and we are due to have our dating scan the following Wednesday. Whilst this is my primary focus, having had really bad anxiety about baby's health and worries about the potential of having a mmc (this is our first baby and I'm very much just trying to ride out all the wild intrusive thoughts I've had) I'm now starting to be apprehensive about telling people. Mainly due to having two different sets of friends from different friendship groups who sadly have been having problems conceiving and taking their pregnancies to full term. Both friends have had 3 miscarriages each, with the most recent having been around a year ago. Now I want to make sure that I tell in the most sensitive way possible, not to bring emphasis to their situations but also to be respectful and allow them time to process it privately. I feel like it's a fine line between honouring their feelings but at the same time not dragging it up for them. (obviously I wouldn't want to mention their history at all, but be able to tell them 1:1 before we tell others so they can have their space)

Both friends have previously fallen out with other friends whom have announced they're pg and I want to try to keep things light and give them the space they need (if needed)

What I'm asking is, what's the best way to do this? Should I text them once we've had everything confirmed at our scan (praying to God that we're lucky with this) and tell them before we tell our other friends? I thought that maybe telling them over a message may be better as it allows them to process how they feel before responding and I wouldn't be forcing them to pretend to be happy. If that makes sense?

Sorry if this seems melodramatic of me, I'm aware that some people are very lucky and are able to go through this with little worry... Ive seen how distraught these ladies have been, I've seen their reactions to other friends, I just want to make sure I cause them less upset as possible and be respectful x

I don’t have any advice specifically, but I do just want to say that you’re a good person and a good friend for going through this thought process and being so kind. I’ve been at the receiving end of a thoughtless announcement from a friend who knew I struggled to conceive and then miscarried at 11 weeks, just 3 weeks before she announced her pregnancy by sending me her 11 week scan image over text! It really hurt and hit me like a tonne of bricks and I’ve avoided her since to protect my own heart.

I’m sure someone will be along soon to give advice on their experience of where it’s been handled with thought and care. Congratulations!

It's truly wonderful that you are putting so much thought into how you plan on breaking the news. My dearest friend and I have both been TTC for 3 years and we agreed that a text message was the best approach. It gives that little bit of time for the friend to process the information and decide how to respond. Your friends will be happy for you but will also feel completely gutted for themselves. It's such a difficult position to be in. I was that friend wondering how to break the news 4 weeks ago and I still feel guilty now. I wish you all the very best.

@Hoping11 thank you for such a lovely response. I love both of these friends dearly and wouldn't ever want anyone to feel hurt by my actions, especially them.

I'm a notorious overthinker and have been so anxious and upset at what may happen during this first trimester that I couldn't possibly imagine how they feel having gone through everything that I've been so worried about.

I just want to make sure I respect their feelings in the best way possible. Thanks again, I'm hopeful that it'll come across okay x

I have a very dear friend that I told about my pregnancy very early on. A few weeks later she revealed to me that she had also been pregnant but had suffered a missed miscarriage (after I had told her I was pregnant, though she knew she was pregnant at the time I told her and chose to keep it private as many people do at that stage). I felt awful for her and I was so worried that my pregnancy would be such a difficult thing for her to be involved in as we were very close together in terms of our due dates.
I was suffering with hyperemesis at the time and she was offering me so much emotional support for that. When I found out about her miscarriage I asked her what she wanted me to do, I didn't want to just assume anything and I certainly didn't want to either cut her out of telling her things as they progressed for me but equally didn't want to continue using her as a soundboard for how miserable I was feeling about my sickness during my perfectly healthy pregnancy. She told me what she needed straight away and we carried on as best we could over the coming weeks until she then sent a message to ask that I not speak about my pregnancy anymore for the time being as she was finding it too painful. The last thing in the World I wanted was to hurt her so I had no problem with this at all. But I also got it wrong. Slowly, she started asking me a few things here and there; she wanted to know how my 12 week scan had gone, wanted to know how my hyperemesis was coming on, asked if I'd though about a baby shower... Just little things here and there dropped into conversations about other things. I handled them badly I'm ashamed to say. I was so worried about upsetting her I minimised every response I gave her.. 'oh yes it was fine thank you', 'much better thank you', 'not yet' and so on before changing the subject and barely acknowledging that she'd asked anything. I should have known and thought much more sensitively that she was asking because she wanted to be more included again but I was so worried about upsetting her that I just dodged around her and didn't directly talk to her about how much she wanted to know again. Eventually she spoke to me to say that she was feeling excluded because I wasn't really talking to her in the way I normally do; I was being too careful and she knew I was and it made her feel worse.
She's a wonderful person and she accepted my apology completely for putting her in such a position that she needed to speak out like that again to me and I'm so grateful that she did ultimately but I shouldn't have left her in the position of needing to announce that she was ready for more information as though it was as linear as that. She didn't truly know how much she was ready to know, she just knew she still wanted to be involved so it wasn't as simple as announcing that she was all better now and she wanted to know everything again. But when she tried to test the waters with me, I didn't really engage with her and this only made her feel bad which I deeply regret. I knew she was asking more and rather than talking again about how much she wanted, I avoided it which was wrong of me.

I suppose my advice is only, that you try your best to keep the lines of communication open and be honest about your worries of hurting them. I think that it's when we think we're doing the right thing that we can get it wrong so just tell them but don't shy away from acknowledging that you know how difficult this is for them and that you're open to doing whatever they need to keep them comfortable, whether that is space or whatever. And if they do say or do something that you're not sure how to interpret, just ask again how they are and what you can do to bake things easy for them.

Wishing you all the very best for your pregnancy! Congratulations.

@Hoping11 also, I'm sorry to hear about how callous some people have been

@CamillaEsther thank you!! That's what I was hoping, that I could tell them and let them know that I'm here whenever they're ready and that I want them to be happy always. Although I am SO excited and hopeful for us, it would never be my way to plough through and expect them to join that if that's not what they wanted. I do imagine in time that they'll both want to be happy for us, but that is their call, not mine. I would never expect someone to disregard their own feelings for my own x

@Woodlandwalks thank you for your response, it's such a fine line I agree about wanting to keep communication open. Unfortunately both have excluded very close friends of ours in the past due to their announcements so I can already see it may be difficult but I'll try my best and just be honest about wanting to do the best by them as my friends. Thanks again x

I think a text is a good idea. Another thing is definitely tell them. I had a miscarriage in 2015. I was feeling quite sorry for myself when my due date rolled around and was absolutely floored when a friend posted a picture of her new baby on Facebook. I'd spoken to her when she must have been 4/5 months but obviously wasn't showing and we'd talked about my miscarriage. I don't know why she didn't tell me. She definitely knew (we talked about it later). Seeing that lovely little boy cut me up. If I'd known she was pregnant I wouldn't have been so blindsided.

@amazedmummy I couldn't ever imagine keeping it private, surely it would only come out and cause more hurt somewhere later down the line. Sorry you had to experience that. One of the friends I'm thinking of is someone who I'm in constant contact with and so I'm already finding it difficult to cover up or not divulge too much information. In my heart I'd hoped I would have told her by now but we haven't told anyone other than our parents because I'm so extremely anxious about MMC. Im hoping that the dating scan will ease my worries, and although won't eliminate any possibility of something going awry, it will be time to start telling people we know and love. They will most certainly be our first call, no Facebook announcements etc. Just privately letting people know our news and letting people react how they see fit. I already know baby will be well loved, I just want to make sure I cause as little damage as possible x

@newlymarried2019 once they have time to digest I'm sure they'll be happy for you. You just need the privacy to react however you want before hand. I get the anxiety too. I've now had a successful pregnancy and the whole time I was very anxious. If you feel that you're overly anxious make sure you talk to your midwife XX

The tip I got in the same situation was to carefully time my text - essentially so I knew they would be at home and not at work so if they did have a reaction to the news then it could be in private.
My text went something like "I know this might not be easy for you to hear but I am pregnant and just about to start telling people. I wanted to tell you as you are important to me but also know you might need some time to process as your own journey has not been easy......"
My friend sent a lovely reply so I think I did the right thing.