When do First time Fathers "Get it"

[ml01omm]

Hi

This is a first baby for me and my husband, so in fairness it is going to be a life style shock and learning curve for both of us. However I am really worried about DH just not "getting it".

He has mild Aspergers - so is very logical and science based in his approach to life in general, and can't easily understand any decisions or behavior that are linked to emotions - which isn't helping at the moment.

But tt also means that when he gets something in is head ( like a work project) he can't think or do anything else but focus on that. This is what worries me, as right now he is still taking work calls ( at 7pm on a Friday) and working on a slide deck. None of it is urgent, none of it is so important it can't wait until 9am Monday - but he says he enjoys it and can't stop thinking about it and relax until its done. On some nights he is like this until 9/10pm a night. I always come second to his work during the week.

As I have tried to gently explain, that when the baby is here - he is going to need to support me by looking after the baby in the evenings. I can't look after the baby 24/7 without respite, so he is going to have to take a turn in the evenings and "switch off" so to speak.

He doesn't see the issue, and thinks because I am on Mat Leave, I will just do it all and he can still go to his 5.30pm gym session and then come home and do work bits and bobs - because what does it matter if I am having little to no sleep?

So I guess I am asking - was anyone elses husband this naive about how much care and attention newborns and babies need?

Did they change in the end? Did they finally "get it" and actually want to put their laptop away and spend time with their family?

I should add he isn't even paid for "over time" so we aren't actually benefiting by him working additional hours.

I went to a couple of prenatal sessions where they pulled the partners to one side and told them how to support the new mother.

Books for dads? Discussion about benefits to baby's health if he takes an active role (ie skin to skin).

They saw women become mothers with a positive test. Men become fathers sometime after the child arrives (but hopefully before they fly the best, ha).

I’m wondering why you’re having a baby with someone who has already indicated that they have no interest whatsoever in changing their lifestyle or raising it

My husband actually called a nurse over and put on rubber gloves in hospital to change our DS nappy. He hadn’t ever held a baby before. Had absolutely no idea.

18 months on and he bloody rocks.

It takes time, as does any new skill

However. I will add that communication, clear communication of your wants and needs, are VITAL

Some of them never get it. You might well be looking after this baby on your own.

How do u share ur hsehold chores and responsibilities? U need to be clear and communicate what you want. You will be primarily number 1 in the ur bubs life but that doesnt mean he cant support u. Sit down decide what it is what u want and them tell him. Both ur lives are going to change

OP I hope he gets it, but there's always a chance he won't, especially if he doesn't understand that things will change.

It took until ds was 3 months and started to get "interesting" until then dh took over a lot of the household chores. He would cuddle and feed ds, but he didn't really bond with him for the first few months. The first weeks nearly destroyed our relationship, I actually sat on his lap in tears and begged him not to leave me (he had no intention of going anywhere but in my sleep deprived, borderline tipping over the edge state I thought he would go)

As long as you can get him to understand that he NEEDS to take some responsibility around the house if he doesn't already and as long as you can get him to participate in things to do with baby - nappy changes, bathtime (this is dh and ds time, I don't get involved anymore), storytime, just general snuggles.

Try talking to him, communication is key here, tell him he can go to the gym, but only if he has allowed you half hour/hour of you time first. It's only fair when you're with baby all day!

DD is now nearly 3 months and he never really 'got it' when I was pregnant. Antental classes helped him slightly understand but DD is the first baby he has ever even held so he had no clue, but I think when she was born and he realised after the first few nights how little she slept, how often she needed feeding, how much attention she needed, that shit actually got real for him

He used to moan about having to go to work when I was just at home all day but he soon changed his mind when I once spent some time writing everything down i'd done that day and continue to do when he was home from work, he no longer sees it as 'relaxing at home' and does everything he can before/after work to make my life easier

Men only go through the hormonal translation of fatherhood if they get lots of skin to skin contact.

They need to actually be left responsible and expected to manage and not babied themselves

*transistion