Give me a break!!!!!

[crazybutkind]

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with baby number 2. I have a demanding 2 year old I work full time. My DH is the problem at the minute. Maybe I am being unreasonable but he does not help me at all. For example...I am on annual leave at the moment. I do everything!! I do all the laundry, washing, cooking, night get ups (my daughter has never slept through the night) the bath times the shopping, the cleaning. He goes to work 8-4 comes home has a shower and asks what's for tea. He has his meals literally brought to him and taken away when finished. His clothes are always washed, dried and hung back up for him. He carries our daughter up to bed and I think he thinks that is enough. I never get time just to sit down. All I want is to sit down. I'm exhausted. I am struggling with sleep. He never ask how I am, or the baby. If I'm honest I want a cuddle, a back rub and a hot drink brought to me. I don't think I am asking much but just a little kind gesture.

He hasn't been to any antenatal scans or appointments.

I am just feeling incredibly worn out and lonely.

I guess I want to know how supportive and helpful your other half is/was?

@crazybutkind I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him I had the same issue when I had our first after I went back to work once I pointed it out and he asked what I wanted him to do he just got on with it and like you my little boy is 3 and doesn't sleep through either so my husband has a very busy job but he tries to be home for 6pm and when he comes in his jobs are play with son for 10mins, clear dinner dishes away and put dishwasher on, do sons bath and bed time story and out him to bed and he gets up through the night to see to our son so really after dinner it my time other than me getting pjs ready I can relax and chill so definitely speak up and make him aware as ypur husband may not know and as my husband has said to me as I have always done it and he has never had to he just assumes I want to do it my self good luck xx

So the question is why are you doing everything? Why are you bringing his dinner and doing all the washing and cleaning?

Also why is your DH being an inconsiderate arse?

Have you spoken to him?

Why on earth would you think you’re being unreasonable. Of course his behaviour is not ok and not part of a loving relationship. I would point out you’re supposed to be a team. It’s not your child and your house.

@crazybutkind I'm sorry to hear your feeling like this it must be awful and very tiring!
I can't comment in regards to already having a child but do have a dog but i'm 31 weeks pregnant and my other half has been great. Although at the start of our relationship he did hardly anything in terms of cleaning, washing, ect. Now he does most of the cooking and now walks the dog most days, whereas i used to do it. I still have to nag him and ask him to do stuff but he does a lot more since i turned around and said look this isn't on!
Can you speak to him about it and tell him how your feeling? ask him to help with your daughter more or at least get him to cook every night.
Why has he not been to any of the scans or appointments? i guess it's different with a 2nd but my other half has been to everything.

Mine does most of the cooking and cleaning.
Maybe start by asking your husband?

Does he not spend any time with his daughter?

He's pretty shit, but he works much longer hours than your dp and he does more than him around the house (still not much). I also don't do that much for him, was his clothes with ours and stick them in a pile for him. That really is about it.
Why have you put up with that for so long?

This is really upsetting to read Have you asked him specifically to do things? Such as can you put the wash on whilst I cook dinner etc. Would he say no outright?? Why are you doing so much for him? I wouldn’t do a thing if I got such little appreciation in return!

Currently pregnant with our first baby but I’m only working 2 days a week so I do tend to do a lot more on the days I’m not working. However, DH cooks dinner at least 3 days a week, washes up if I’m cooking, puts a wash on when needed and hoovers the whole house every weekend. He also rubs my bump and talks to the baby, attends some antenatal appointments if he can get time off work and has been to all scans including private ones I’ve booked because I’ve been paranoid. I do a lot for him such as wash his clothes, put his socks away, pack his lunch, all that boring stuff. However he does the same for me. We aren’t perfect and we bicker a lot but we are a team. I don’t think he does a lot... I think of it as both of our home therefore we both look after it, and equally it’s both our child so we should both be equally involved.

I would recommend also posting this in the relationships board, you’ll get good advice there xx

Late last summer before I was pregnant I was in between jobs and I didn't so much mind doing everything because he doesn't do it to my standards and I wasn't working but it all came to blows one Monday morning when he decided he didn't want to wear his normal work pants which I had laid out on the radiator for him so they would be warm (like a child) instead he dragged out the entire wardrobe after I had gutted the house all weekend and I lost my s**t. Told him I was done it brought him to tears and things did change for a short while. So fast forward to 7 months down the line and we are back to me losing it again. He says "well your off work and I have to get up and go do a full days work" I asked him to take our daughters juice upstairs the other night which I always do once she's asleep I go check on her, take her some juice for when she wakes up and then we lock up and go to bed. He did it but the huffing and puffing just wasn't worth it. The other night I sat down after she had gone to bed and granted the lounge was untidy so he started tidying up but banging around and the sighing (the constant sighing) I just got up and started doing it because the sound of him just sighing really rubs me up the wrong way. He will occasionally wash up and I am shocked when he does but even when he does he leave half of it on the side which I never understand so when I then go into the kitchen I do it. I know it's going to become an arguement and I haven't the energy for it. This weekend I plan on doing bare minimum just to see what happens. In regards to our daughter he plays with her pretty much most of the evening whilst I am cooking and cleaning. I have made some comments and his response is "well I was looking after our daughter" I am on the edge again.

My husband can be a pain because he tends to need me to delegate tasks to him and remind him to do them . But he does do them and he also will more than happily give me massages, foot rubs, bring me things to eat and drink, check up on me and generally spoil me a bit (although sometimes I would rather he did the hoovering).

It does sound like you OH is being very unsupportive. Please stop bringing his food and please stop doing his washing, if it is solely for his benefit don't do it. You need to prioritise looking after yourself. Similarly, you may do the shopping but don't go out of your way to get what he wants or needs. Please try and talk to him about it, consider seeing if you can draw up a list of who is responsible for what.

Your husband is a twat. Your not the only one, mine can be too. Who does he think he is being waited on? When mine gets like this I don't bother cooking and tell him I wasn't hungry. He soon gets the message. Likewise I don't put his laundry away (even though it makes my blood boil looking at it on the side). You are not his mother and he is not a child. Don't allow yourself to be treated like that.

Stop doing everything for him, that’s my main advice. He will never stop if you carry on babying him, this will just go on forever. When he asks what’s for tea just reply with “not sure, what are you making?”. Stop putting his clothes away, just leave them in a pile for him to put away.

You also need to tell him how you feel and be pretty assertive with it, he’s being a selfish twat and he shouldn’t be allowed to continue.

All men are NOT like this.

Mine is doing way more than his 50% at the moment and would happily wait on me hand and foot if i let him, even though I'm off work now on mat leave.

He insists on coming to every appointment, even though I have lots of boring routine ones (he wfh those days and can fit them in, because he wants to).

It's worth noting he's my second husband and I was very much determined to stay single after my divorce, because other men were like the man-children described above. When I met him I knew he was different and he has proven it every day since.

Stop doing all this stuff for him - it won't get better, will it?

Does he do more at weekends?

He sounds selfish, coming in and asking, "What's for tea?", as if he can't put the kettle on.

It sounds as though it will be a while before you go back to work, op, you must sort things out with husband now because the distribution of work and child care is not equal in your household.

So tonight I decided I would suggest he make tea,his reply is "I haven't seen my daughter all day" so I prep it and then me and daughter go upstairs to her play room I tell him what needs doing I come downstairs to half the tea burning so I take over and once again find myself handing him his tea and clearing away his plate. Later after I have washed up and bathed our daughter she starts getting tired and lashing out so I struggle to try get up off the sofa before she hurts herself he is sitting on his phone barking orders at me on how to deal with her I then said "help me then" his response was to take her to bed and immediately follow. He has been in bed since 8pm so I'm left tidying up, taking her juice upstairs, locking up and sat alone.

I don't want to judge but he really needs to pull his finger out. It's going to be even more difficult for you when baby 2 is here.

I can't fault my husband, we alternate making dinner and household chores but if I say that I'm too tired or in pain then he happily does anything I need. He's always making sure I'm ok and have everything I need, getting me snacks and drinks, always asking how "the little one" is. My husband and I both work full time too, even if I have days off then he'll still do his share and more so I don't have to.

You need to stick to your boundaries. If you expect him to make tea, make your expectations clear, then let him make tea, even if it goes wrong. If you're always there to pick up the mess he will never learn to do it himself and he'll never take you seriously when you say you're not going to do something.

I only know this from my own struggles with setting boundaries and wanting to jump in when things weren't going right.

Also if he starts sighing, say 'what's wrong you're sighing a lot?'.

It sounds like you need more verbal communication rather than communicating with your behaviour and body language, which can add to frustration because something is being said but it's not direct so can be ignored.

This is awful and not the norm.

You need to sit him down at a calm moment and tell him - he needs to pull his weight. You are pregnant, it’s exhausting, he should be taking on more of the load, not less. When the baby arrives he’s going to need to be on top of everything. He has no excuse for behaving like this.

He has his meals literally brought to him and taken away when finished. His clothes are always washed, dried and hung back up for him

STOP doing that to start with

I feel for you, it must be so exhausting and frustrating. Maybe you could draw up a chart and divide up household tasks, that way your expectations are clearly transparent. Or tell him that if he doesn't help you more, you will get a cleaner (and he has to pay for it). I imagine how annoying the huffing and puffing and sighing must be when he does something you asked him to do. I would take @UrsulaSings advice on this, I think she's spot on.

He sounds like a right twat... sorry!

My OH has been brilliant am 35 weeks on maternity am self employed (own 2 pubs) he has been brilliant comes in from work cooks my tea every night and takes the dog out an hour run, I do the cleaning everyday as he isn’t the best but he does try
At the weekend he does the odd shift in one of the pubs to help out ana check on staff.

I think you need to have a word with him and give him a kick up the arse. Your going to get more tired and sore he needs to help you

Good luck xx

Tell him its stressing you out,you're tired fed up and had enough.thatll do it!I feel for you,sitting down is all I want to do,its such an understated simple luxury!

He’s deliberately doing a crap job and doing all the sighing etc. because he knows it will get you to give in and do it for him. He’s basically a child.

I would stop doing so much for him e.g. ironing his clothes - just say “sorry I haven’t had time, you’ll have to do it”. Same with making tea. Leave him to it and make sure you have something else to eat. If he makes a mess of it just shrug your shoulders and say “oh well, we’ll just have to go hungry then”.

Stop. Stop making his meals and then tidying away - he isn't a child, he's (presumably) got 2 arms, 2 legs and can move perfectly well and move his own shit, he can also contribute to his own bloody household. If you continue to do everything for him, he'll continue to let you do it.

Stop being a doormat and his lackey

I’m sorry OP. It definitely sounds like you’re definitely carrying too much responsibility for household labour. I’ve lived with my partner for 9 years (married for 3, currently pregnant with our first). We were pretty typical when we got together in that I’d been brought up to help out around the house and he hadn’t been expected to, so I did more household labour than him and it caused arguments when we were first together. Two things were most useful to get to 50/50 (and at the moment because of 1st trimester tiredness he’s doing most of it). First he read articles about how women do majority of domestic labour. I shared these with him and then we talked about them together. Then we did a full audit of every task related to the household (by categories like laundry, cleaning, shopping, finance, admin, dog care etc etc) and used highlighters to mark who did what. When he saw how much orange (my colour) was on the page it was a lot easier for him to understand he needed to do more in some areas. Equally it was good for me to see how much he already did do. We also addressed why it didn’t work for me to be the “household manager” and delegate tasks by using another colour to indicate that role against tasks. Again, visually he could see how much thinking I had to do. I relaxed loads after we did this, which also helped as he felt more trusted and could get on with things at his own pace. He uses phone reminders a lot to prompt his memory. For the last 3-4 years its worked really well for us, with occasional bickering about whose turn it is to wash up! When one of us is working extra hard the other one picks up some slack but that’s mutual so there’s no resentment. Good luck!