NCT classes and social anxiety

[randomquestions87]

I’m painfully shy and have struggled with quite severe social anxiety since childhood. It’s something that I’m keen not to pass on to my own DC (due this summer) if I can possibly avoid it, as it’s really held me back in life. As they grow up I’m hoping to immerse them in as many social situations as possible to try and build their confidence around other people.

I recently signed up to a local NCT course, partly because I felt the information would be useful, and partly because I’ve read that it’s a really good way to make friends with other mums and dads in the area. I thought that it could really benefit my baby, especially when they’re a little older, as it could potentially lead to play dates and friendships with other local children.

The problem is, as the classes are drawing closer I’m starting to get more and more anxious about going along. The classes are billed as highly sociable but I’m so useless at talking to other people and am worried that no one else in the group will like me!

I’m tempted to pull out but have paid for the course now and more importantly, I’m really keen to do this for my baby. It’s a couples course so DH’s (including mine) will be there, but my DH isn’t particularly good at chatting either.

Does anyone have any advice?

I think you should go. Your DH will be there so worst case scenario you can keep to yourselves but still take advantage of all the information.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I have crippling social anxiety too (the only difference being that my husband is very sociable). I didn't do NCT but been to the NHS birthing class and frankly didn't notice anyone socialising; all the couples just kept to themselves. So no new contacts/ friends for me, but the class was still very informative and useful.

Go. You are absolutely correct that you need to start work on it now in order not to pass this disorder on to your child. Because no matter how many social situations you immerse a child in, it’s even more important that you model social confidence to that child — that’s what they notice.

And why are you making it all about people liking you? Why aren’t you hoping that you like at least some of the other people? Why isn’t that more important?

Ah, my heart goes out to you. I have similar issues and spent the first four of our six sessions avoiding talking to anyone out of fear that they'd hate me, or pity me, or who knows what. I must have come across as a moody teenager (at the ripe old age of 32!) and found the constant encouragement to Talk To Each Other and Make Friends very stressful. By the fifth session I was starting to realise that I had something in common with almost everyone in the group and began to loosen up a little. Nearly three years on and I'm still good friends with 5/8 of the other ladies there. So, practical tips:

Ask questions. People LOVE talking about themselves, and you've plenty of things to get you going. When are you due? How has your pregnancy been? Have you experienced this weird symptom? Do you know the gender? Have you chosen a pram (this is usually the beginning of an hour-long discussion).

Think about how terrified everyone else is. Not necessarily about socialising (although it's entirely possible) but no matter how together anyone seems, they've got something going on under the surface. You might end up being a real source of strength for them at some point, if you'll let yourself.

Everyone is thinking about themselves, not about you! Like in school, people in forced social situations are generally preoccupied with how they seem to everyone else, not judging other people. The majority of attendees do NCT not to learn about babies, but to make friends. They want you as your friend, really, they do!

If all else fails and these are the worst people you've ever met, you can walk away knowing that you tried and you can tell us all about it. I think it'll be great though.

Go! There’ll be lots of people who feel similarly apprehensive about the classes-don’t assume that everyone else there will be super confident after dinner speaker types.

And, although you might not want to hear this, if you and DH tend towards shyness, as my DH and I do, it’s likely that your child may share the trait. I’ve found accepting that has helped me support DD’s natural tendency and I’m learning to parent the child I have, as opposed to the one I imagined I might.

Good luck with the classes!

And why are you making it all about people liking you? Why aren’t you hoping that you like at least some of the other people?

Honestly, thinking of social situations that way round has never even crossed my mind before!

Thanks so much for the encouragement and the great advice - I will go along, for the sake of my DC as I want to start as I mean to go on. I’m just so nervous that everyone else will be really outgoing and become the best of friends, while I’ll be left out because I’m so ridiculously shy. Like you say though, my DH will be there so worst case scenario, I won’t be completely on my own!

Go.

There will be so many being-social-with-other-parents situations over the coming years, and this is your chance to make a proactive change for your baby. I found NCT super friendly and helpful, and EVERYBODY feels a bit awkward meeting new people for the first time - you really won’t be the only one and you can feel a real sense of achievement.

These events are nerve wracking -im a fairly confident person who can usually small chat quite a bit and I get quite nervous about these things so remember most people -no matter how socially confident they are will feel a bit nervous. It’s a odd situation being put in a room with a bunch of new people. Remember also -you will have something in common to talk about -your babies! So just talk about that—and work and where you live etc and all those general things. I find just smiling a lot helps!

You will feel really chuffed with yourself once you have done it -and it’s only a few hours of your life. Usually the things I worry about the most are never as bad once I have done them. Good luck.

I suggest that you speak to / email the practitioner who is running the course beforehand. They can then ease you in gently.

Most people are nervous, and this presents itself in different ways. Very talkative people are often using it to cover shyness.

Recent feedback to NCT suggested that people do not like to be separated from their partner too soon into the course, so it's likely your practitioner will be aware of this. Also know that NCT Practitioners are trained in supporting adult learners and group facilitation and are very aware of how individuals are within the group. You will not be put on the spot, or pushed into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Def go! I don’t have social anxiety but I am on the shy side, especially with people I don’t know! I went to NCT & it’s structured to encourage you to chat to each other in a none pressured way. And chatting is so much easier when you have a specific topic I always think! And you instantly have common ground of pregnancy highs & lows, birth hopes, post birth hopes, baby etc!

The more confident ones in the group set up a WhatsApp at the end & again, so much easier to chat via message as you get to know each other! We arranged to go to a baby classes altogether & that was a real help for me. I felt much better going as a gang of 5 people who I knew rather than on my own! Again, the more confident ones chatted to the other mums and I just got pulled along into the conversation! I’ve ended up with a big group of friends I’d never have had the confidence to make

Good luck OP!

As they grow up I’m hoping to immerse them in as many social situations as possible to try and build their confidence around other people.

It’s great that you are planning to do this. It will be a process, and has to start now, with the NCT classes.

I’ve no experience of NCT classes but I’m a HV and carry out the nhs antenatal classes within my area. And trust me, lots of people are worried about socialising and are a bit shy with this but it’s perfectly okay. Not everyone will be really outgoing, in fact I would say the last one I did had 11 couples and only about 3 couples were outgoing and chatty.

Making note in your head of a few questions to ask may be a good way to begin a conversation. People like to talk about themselves and their babies so definitely ask when are you due to the lady next to you and it will bring up a conversation. Good luck!

Fwiw I’m quite shy too when not at work and a bit worried about attending NCT myself but like you I’m forcing myself to do it to make friends and because I don’t want my DC to be as shy as me and DH.