Step Mum but First Time Biological Mum

[FirstTimeMum95]

Hi everyone!

I'm a step mum to an amazing 4 year old who I have loved and treated as my own for around 2 years. I'm now three months pregnant with my first child and I've found myself getting really jealous of the fact that my partner has had a baby with someone else which i know sounds crazy given I've know this is the case since I met him!

I can't explain it and I feel so awful about having this inner resentment towards my partner because it's something I just need to get over. Every new thing that happens with my body or appointments/scans etc. I just feel like it's not the same for him because he's already done it with someone else so it can't feel the same for him as it does for me. It gets me really upset sometimes.

I don't expect people to feel sorry for me but just wondered if anyone else has experienced this before :(

Just wanted to send hugs

I think it's a natural way to feel, so much is happening and changing but it feels like more of w change for you because he's already been there / done that.

I suspect that feeling will fade overtime. In the mean time it might be good for you to find some first-time mummy friends, see if there are any groups or classes in your area.

I am not married to my partner but we have been together for four years and he has a 20 year old daughter. I am having my first biological child but as with you (although she is much older!) I have been a mother figure towards my partners daughter. I can really relate to what you are saying, however my resentment is more towards his ex than to him and for some reason I had a dream about her the other night and for the whole day I felt so angry towards her. It seems to have passed and I am feeling much better with it now, and I think it was probably tied in with my mood generally feeling quite horrible for a while.

Hopefully you will start to feel a bit better about it as your pregnancy progresses. Even though he may have had a baby with someone else before, he's never done this with you, so this is still new to him. If they split up when his daughter was so young then it doesn't sound like it was all as amazing as you are probably imagining it was. I know I can paint myself a picture and imagine all the good times that my partner had with his ex, when in reality it was pretty horrendous at times, which is why they are not together anymore and haven't been for years and years.

Perhaps you could mention to him how you've been feeling a bit jealous of the fact that he's done this before with someone else? I'm sure he would reassure you.

Thank you @oatybiscuit!

and @UrsulaSings thank you for your response too, i feel a bit more normal just from that!

I too have resentment towards the ex partner which causes my anger and jealousy. She is and always has been a bit of a nightmare because she's still bitter etc. and that's another thing I get upset about, we are tiptoeing around telling his family because she might find out and will 100% cause drama (ringing every night trying to use any excuse to argue, stops us from seeing my stepchild etc) and its like i can't even enjoy MY pregnancy without her being so relevant!!

i have mentioned all of this to him but there isn't much he can say because he can't change it and be a first time dad with me and experience that.. weirdly it made me more annoyed that he sort of said he understood what I meant because i felt like wow he is basically agreeing it won't be the same!

hoping as you say it all just fades away and it's my hormones playing havoc :(

thank you both again xx

I totally feel you. My OH has 2 children which I step parent.
Hes so much more relaxed about my pregnancy than I am. It almost makes me feel stupid for worrying if everything is ok.
I'm 14 weeks so in that in between stage where you dont feel a whole lot of pregnant! Which causes me some anxiety.
Also got annoyed in the 1st trimester as he was comparing my symptoms to his EXs a little!
I know he doesn't mean to be uninterested or judging but I can help but get annoyed at him.

Also doesn't help that is EX is now pregnant due the same time as me! Now i cant help but compare myself to her

My husband was warned the moment we started trying to conceive that I do not want to be compared to his ex, and her pregnancy/labour is not to be brought up. He agreed; I am now 34+4 and he has kept his word.
He does sometimes mention what it was like when his daughter was born, but it's just that - his daughter. He doesn't mention the ex's name.

I too felt a little sad that none of it would be new to my husband, but I've come to appreciate his experience (I know nothing about babies myself!) and the fact that he won't be as scared/anxious as a first-timer and therefore will be more supportive and helpful.

You are lucky that you have such a great and loving relationship with your stepson... I have known my stepdaughter since she was 1.5 years old (now 7.5) and sadly can't say the same.