AIBU to be devastated that my partner has walked out when I'm 6 weeks preganant

[parklife82]

Hi

Looking for some advice as feeling pretty alone! I'm 6 weeks pregnant and found out last week! Since then my partner and I have argued non stop, I am stressed and anxious about it all and I want him to be there to help ease my anxiety, make me feel I've got a strong support and help me through the process and make day to day things a little easier I haven't told anyone else,
So it's pretty much only him I can turn to! We don't live together at the moment and when we found out he was really happy, but just the way he has been treating me I find a bit crap! I'm feeling tired, nauseas and I'd just like to be looked after! After one of our rows, I phoned my best friend and had a moan and he said he heard everything and it made him feel like shit! Since then he keeps going on that 'nothing he does is good enough for me.' He's spoken to his brother, who he has told about the pregnancy, and the brother has said/insinuated to leave me if he's not happy! Which I personally think is a pretty shit thing to say to walk out on someone who is pregnant! I'm by no means perfect, I just get frustrated that he doesn't pull his finger out and stand up to his responsibilities! At the weekend he went out on a huge night out, drink and drugs which affected his personality! Yesterday he broke up with me saying he couldn't do it anymore and I'm making him depressed, it's left me really sad but I also see him in a different light, as to walk out on someone who is pregnant with their child feels pretty shit and if we did have the child together he'd just do the same at any given moment! He has also taken two days off work because our arguments have left him exhausted! I too, work full time but need to work and can't just take days off! I could write for ages, but AIBU to expect more from a partner? Or am I expecting too much?!

You might be expecting too much, but maybe not, it's not really clear from your post what you want from him that he isn't doing. Pregnancy is tiring, but he can't change that. Also worth remembering that he's going through a process too, not physically but it's a big mental adjustment to make, having a baby.
I'm pregnant too, and do not want to assume anything about how you've been acting with him but from my personal experience with friends/family, some women think that the world should revolve around them from the minute they find out they're expecting. I expect my partner to make extra effort with chores because I'm quite tired at this stage, and to help me when I'm physically sick, maybe make an effort to be more patient than normal if I'm overly emotional. At six weeks he wasn't really any different to normal, then I didn't really have symptoms that bothered me at the time. It's totally reasonable to expect a partner to be kind and loving, in general, I don't that's think that's specific to pregnancy, what more could you expect than that at this point? Maybe I've missed something.

Hi @Sulkypatsy I certainly don't expect the world to revolve around me. I work hard, have my own flat and my own money! I just expect a little bit of help, if he's staying at my flat and is home before me, helping to get the dinner ready etc! Last night I came home at 9.45, as I volunteer on a weds.He knew I hadn't eaten but he was in bed when I got home and then got angry with me that I wanted to eat first and not sit and talk to him! Then he accused me of not actually going to volunteering as the money for the tube hadn't come out of our joint account! When he starts accusing me of things I haven't done, I find myself second guessing myself and it makes me feel like I am going mad! And I think he sound not pick stupid immature arguments when we have bigger things to think about, such as the baby!

@Sulkypatsy also thanks for your reply! Much appreciated, I guess wha to expect is the same from you! But he doesn't seem to!

I hope it didn't come off like I was saying that you're being unreasonable, I guess I was trying to point out that sometimes some women have unreasonable expectations of people when pregnant. But the things you have a problem with are just dick moves, that's not a nice way to treat someone, pregnant or not. It sounds like he isn't in a reasonable headspace at the moment if he's making unfounded accusations and breaking up with you. Is there someone you could go to together for some support? From what you described both of you are having a really hard time right now, albeit in different ways. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour but there must be some reason behind it.

I would say you need to think carefully about what you want from this relationship - are you ready to have a baby together? Do you see a future with your DP?

Why do you have a joint account when you don’t live together?

From what you’ve written there are some definite red flags. You aren’t expecting too much. Your partner shouldn’t be questioning where you are and if they are doing it now they will be 100 times worse when you do have a child together. Are you sure you want to be with this person?

Have you not been together that long?
He sounds like an arsehole. Not someone id want to parent with or be tied to for 18 years

@Sulkypatsy no not at all! I very
Much know it takes two to tango and I can be hot headed too, but I just feel the small things I expect aren't huge. So when he says 'nothing I do is ever good enough' it perplexes next because I don't actually ask him to do a lot! And I most certainly expected him to be more understanding Baring In mind the pregnancy situation! It just feels like when the going gets tough he runs, and I'm looking for someone stronger than that! But I feel bad saying that, we have been together nearly two years and were looking to move in together in April, I've been really proactive trying to find places and he kind of leaves it up to me to do everything, and then I get frustrated when he has taken a day off work and just does nothing. Again, I'm probably being unreasonable and that's why I came on here to get different opinions thanks again for replying xxx

@AgnesNaismith thanks for replying! We have been together two years and went travelling for a month (hence joint account) I had to use it for travel as my old bank card got cancelled (tmi)! I find it ridiculous and controlling that he is accusing me of not being where I said I was. Before Christmas he was convinced I was cheating on him (I haven't done anything, not even flirted with another man since I met him), again I found it controlling and when I said why does he think this, it was apparently because I was on my phone too much and putting it down when he got in the car etc! I do find it odd behaviour as never had someone be like that before. And it gets my questioning my own sanity!

@Branleuse thanks for your reply! We are both late 30s, so this all seems ridiculous and immature! I hate that my behaviour has made him depressed but I also don't think I'm expecting too much! I want a support network not someone who is going to throw in the towel because of a few arguments when my hormones are sky high! I feel really alone, but when I tell him that he says it's breaks his heart.. but then he still leaves me?! I just find it selfish and controlling

I think you may need to prepare yourself for single parenthood and all that entails.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship from all you’ve said, OP. Having a baby makes things so much harder and tests even really strong relationships. I don’t think having a baby improves anyone’s relationship!

So it does sound like you’re in for single parenthood. If not from the start, at some point - going on what you’ve written here, anyway. Good luck

I think you're better off out of it, OP. Because of the drugs if nothing else!

I’m not sure why you are expecting anymore of him?
He drinks, uses drugs, doesn’t live with you -commitment issues? sounds like he can’t make up his own mind & refers to his brother constantly, has time off work at a drop of a hat.
He’s not exactly showing the makings of a reliable dad is he?
Why would he be happy at the prospect of being a parent with the cost and commitment that it brings with it? It sounds like he’s not grown up to be responsible himself!
I think it’s single parenthood judging by your description

I think you may need to prepare yourself for single parenthood and all that entails

^^This.

@Pumpkinpie1 when you put it like that, I can see things so much clearer! He always says ' I can't give you what you want! I'll never be good enough.' But in my head I translate that to mean I can't be bothered to make the effort! But then he makes me feel so guilty, I think maybe my expectations are too high and I feel like a bitch for making him depressed!

We can’t control other people’s happiness just our own. I think it’s very unfair for him to blame you for his “depression” sounds like he’s making excuses! If he’s using drink and drugs that will be making him paranoid and depressed
I think you need to take a step back and look after yourself x

This sounds like a totally toxic relationship it is unfair to bring a child in to it i’m afraid- totally irresponsible.
I’d be terminating the pregnancy and ending the relationship. What on earth are you thinking?’

The drug taking and staying out drinking would put me off anyway. And why have you got joint accounts if you don't live together ? I would be separating my money from his and looking at raising this baby alone . It doesn't sound a good relationship already x

OP, if you want this baby, and he is acting like this, id suggest you block him and do this alone. If he is on the BC then he can in theory have a say over where you go on holiday, where you live etc for the foreseeable. Its actually quite a big thing. He is showing himself to be who he really is, and it isnt someone who is there for you when shit hits the fan.

if youre not sure, then its really early days and you can get this sorted out and move on

Thanks everyone for your help and taking the time to write replies! Greatly appreciated and has made me feel much less alone at this time! I can support myself, and the joint account wasn't all my finances just £50 left over from the holiday! But still controlling behaviour never the less! I agree it is a toxic relationship and I definitely need some time out to take care of myself and the baby in my belly (for me termination is not an option) thanks again for taking the time to reply xxx

@Branleuse thanks for your reply! I agree, I think he has shown his true colours! Yes he could be stressed, tired, anxious, depressed but I still think you can gauge what is right and what is wrong behaviour! The fact that both he and his brother think it's OK to leave a partner who is pregnant, suggests they don't really sure the same moral compass as me!

If I were you I would forget about him for the moment and really think about what you want. Do you want the baby? Are you happy to be a single mother? I say this because a baby inevitably causes a lot more stress and even the strongest relationships can take a beating in the early stages. This doesn’t sound like it’s starting on the strongest footing.

I’m surprised he is in his late thirties, I was guessing he was early twenties max if not late teens tbh. He’s acting like a child. You had sex and now you’re pregnant, this happens all of the time and he obviously knew the risks when he had sex with you presumably unprotected. Running off on a drug binge then ending the relationship because his brother told him to is something a very young, immature man would do.

Prepare for single motherhood OP, this guy isn’t even worth the time.

Honestly as someone who has been fucked over by a joint account overdraft being extended and maxed. CLOSE the account today.
Not tomorrow, not tonight. NOW.

You are jointly and SOLELY responsible for the account. So he maxes it, shrugs his shoulders and your responsible for it all.
In my situation. The bank waited for me to be paid and then froze the account to claim their money back, leaving me nothing to live on, get to work, eat or pay bills.

Regardless of the relationship outcome. Get it closed. Martin Lewis even advises against them now, with banking apps etc you don’t need them so much.