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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Baby daddy struggle

20 replies

Bowied123 · 08/02/2020 01:11

Hi I'm new here and finally was able to figure out how to post. Sorry if this is to long. I was wondering if anyone here could offer me some advice? I just found out that I'm pregnant and I'm 20 years old and feeling totally alone. My boyfriend is 23 and extremely immature and I'm struggling with him right now. We live together and he's constantly drinking smoking and partying and bringing his friends into our home. They're all so messy and it's always my job to clean it up. He has expected me to change my entire life for this little one which i dont mind but he won't change himself? I'm struggling a lot with morning sickness and just don't have the strength to deal with him anymore. Please help? :(

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 08/02/2020 01:14

Your fella is extremely immature, not ready to be a father, far too irresponsible.

Do you feel ready to have a baby? Do think about it carefully, it's possible you could end up alone with a little one and though I know some people do that well, it's far from ideal.

Flowers
HoppingPavlova · 08/02/2020 01:49

My boyfriend is 23 and extremely immature

Yes, 23yo boys tend to be immature. And messy.
I have one that age and wouldn’t leave him to look after a pot plant let alone a baby. Girls at that age tend to be a lot more immature. No idea why you thought having a baby with a guy this age would be a good idea?

If my son who’s that age came home and told me he was having a baby it just wouldn’t compute as again, in my head I would think you couldn’t even look after a pot plant and after a few days left to your own devices the pot plant couldn’t even be found, it would be under used glasses, rubbish and empty pizza boxes and someone probably would have trodden on it. Then I’d think, bloody hell, hope she’s up for it given this and while I’d offer support and help I wouldn’t be sympathetic to her complaining as I’d think what did she expect with a 23yo guy.

Similarly, if my daughter said she was pregnant at that age I’d say that’s nice, you realise your boyfriend won’t be if any use and you’ll essentially be doing it yourself and chances are it will go belly up and won’t last. Realise it doesn’t seem fair but it is what it is with people that age.

I’m sure someone will be along shortly to tell us what an amazing mature and responsible boy their 23yo son is. I’m sure unicorns do exist.

HoppingPavlova · 08/02/2020 01:50

Sorry, it was meant to say, girls that age are generally a lot more MATURE.

WorldEndingFire · 08/02/2020 03:52

Doesn't sound like a fun or healthy relationship for you, OP. Certainly not one into which I'd be introducing children. Find someone who respects you more and pulls their own weight. He won't change.

Women aren't inherently more mature, boys and young men like this are just pandered to so they don't learn to take responsibility.

HoppingPavlova · 08/02/2020 04:29

Women aren't inherently more mature, boys and young men like this are just pandered to so they don't learn to take responsibility.

So at that age with the same treatment ,your kids of different sex were exactly the same? Good for you, don’t know anyone else where this has been the case. I treated mine exactly the same, certainly didn’t pander to the boys (and if I did it was exactly the same treatment as the girls got so they both would have been pandered to equally), yet there was a huge gap in maturity between them at the same ages. Same case with all my friends kids.

It’s also interesting that neurobiological findings don’t tend to back up what you are saying. Boys wiring doesn’t tend to fully come together until around 25yo, girls wiring comes together earlier. It’s what’s responsible for boys greater impulsiveness, risk taking and general idiocy for longer. But given you have the answer to this I suggest you write a paper all about it and post it in a developmental journal.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/02/2020 04:41

And you decided to have a baby with him why???

Weffiepops · 08/02/2020 05:04

Oh dear OP, how far gone are you? How invested are you in the baby? If it's early days I would abort, leave him, focus on getting educated/good job and good friends and forget about men until a later date. If you get off the path you are on now, you can have an easier life, you are just at the beginning of making your life (and your childs) pretty tough. Practice self love Thanks

bluemoon2468 · 08/02/2020 06:39

If he's not willing to make minor adjustments to his lifestyle to adapt to the needs of his pregnant girlfriend then unfortunately he is not going to deal well at all with the complete overhaul of his life a baby is going to cause. If he can't clear up after his own mates then he's going to be absolutely no help clearing up after a baby. Babies and children (and post-partum mothers) need calm and stability, not smoking and drinking and partying. You have a long road ahead of you with a new baby, and you don't need an extra grown-up baby to care for too. I don't agree at all that there are no 23 year old men out there that can be responsible dads (I know several amazing young dads) and I certainly don't agree that there's some neurobiological factor that makes all men inconsiderate idiots until they're 25. But I do think there are a lot of men who have unfortunately grown up thinking that responsibility doesn't apply to them, and women are usually better off without them.

glasha87 · 08/02/2020 08:51

Hello Smile

Eerily, I could have written that exact post 12 years ago. I left him when I was six months pregnant - when I realised what a total twat he was.

Do you have a supportive family? My parents were wonderful, but I still brought my daughter home to our own house from hospital - just the two of us.

During my pregnancy, I looked after myself, concentrated on the baby and ate well - she was 8lbs4oz, the birth was ‘easy’ and she took to breastfeeding so easily too. She’s now 11, hilarious, compassionate and considered gifted (I include this as people tend to be so judgemental when they see a 20 year old pregnant, expecting the worst life imaginable for their child)

Forget him, look after you. Consider breastfeeding too, as if it works, it makes life so much easier when you’re by yourself.

I had difficult times with my daughter’s father but we came to an arrangement - via solicitors - where he saw her a few times a week for a few hours (in my house initially, as no bloody way was he taking her to his). The same arrangement is still in place - they both like it that way - and they just do fun things like going to the cinema etc.

He’s slowly maturing (although 35 Grin) but will always be what he is. He contributes to my daughter’s piano lesson - treats her to nice things and they have their own special relationship.

She has other male role models like my father who have modelled a more stable male figure for her to look up to too, but she loves her Dad, faults and all.

I wouldn’t really put up with it if I were you, but I would try to stay amicable.

If you choose to stay, give him an ultimatum; however, know that you can do it alone.

Very best of luck Flowers

HoppingPavlova · 08/02/2020 09:03

www.medicaldaily.com/men-mature-after-women-11-years-after-be-exact-british-study-reveals-246716

Not sure if this link works? There are lots of med journal articles but you would need to be subscribed to most but some you may be able to access without. Anyway the one here is a layman’s explanation, old though now, lots more robust evidence since.

HoppingPavlova · 08/02/2020 09:08

Should have added, to be clear, I don’t think boys can just walk away. If they don’t wrap it or something goes wrong then they need to contribute, although the amount you would get from a 23yo would be pretty negligible. However practically and emotionally you need to be realistic about what they are capable of. Sure, the odd one may be advanced as biologically we are all different and things occur at different rates. The rules of thumb tends to apply to the average but there will always be those ahead and behind on the bell curve.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/02/2020 10:52

HoppingPavlova

You can say what you like about your own son but my DH was 22 when we had our DD. He’s an amazing dad and always has been. From the second I told him I was pregnant, he stepped up and took responsibility for her. DD is now 6 and he always puts her first. I’m now pregnant with our second.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 08/02/2020 10:55

I’m answer to the OP, I think your boyfriend is showing you now what he is like. I’d stop cleaning up after him immediately. You’re not his maid!

Either he bucks up his ideas now or you need to leave him. The decision to have this baby is yours alone and you need to decide if you can manage it alone because I know I wouldn’t be able to stay with a man like that.

Annafs · 08/02/2020 11:27

Hi OP, I think it’s clear that your boyfriend is not ready to be a father, and definitely not ready to change his lifestyle to be one.

The question you need to ask yourself is if you would like to / can do this alone? Depending on your finances, living situation, if you have a supportive family etc. Look on the gov website for what you will be entitled to as a single mum and go from there. If he decides to later step up then great but I think you need to accept that for now, he won’t.

Good luck OP whatever you decide. My mum had me at 20 and my dad was a student still, he wasn’t earning anything and she pretty much raised 4 kids as a single mum with lots of determination. We all turned out perfectly if I do say so myselfGrin

krp14 · 08/02/2020 12:03

Look for support from other sources, family/friends/colleagues whoever you feel most comfortable around as you dont want to be doing this feeling alone.

I find it appalling that people are saying don’t have the baby this that and the other. If you want to have this baby you have it, just prepare for worst case scenario that you may need to do this without him.

Sit down and be honest with him. Have the conversation with him are you ready, are you aware of what’s to come etc etc. He could be the same at 30 years old, age at this point means nothing :)

Viletta · 08/02/2020 12:54

I'd suggest talking to him and find support elsewhere. It may be that he wants to enjoy these things before the baby is out but he should realize that you need support and help around the house too. Good luck!

sel2223 · 08/02/2020 13:38

Not all 23 year old boys/men are utterly useless....for a start, my parents were 20 and 21 when they had me and my dad has done an amazing job (if I say so myself haha)....but that was 30-odd years ago and modern day boys do tend to be a lot more immature and pandered to. Let's be honest, most are proper molly coddled mummys boys who can barely tie their own shoelaces let alone raise a child!

It sounds like your boyfriend falls into this category so I wouldn't count in him being there for you or the baby OP. If you decide to do this, just be prepared to do this on your own (hopefully with family and friends around to support you along the way).
My only advice to you is to trust your instincts....if you want this baby then you will find a way to make it work.
Good luck x

Notwiththeseknees · 08/02/2020 19:10

My father was 23 when I was born. I was born at home in the house my (married) parents had saved up to get a mortgage on. He worked as junior engineer and went to night school for his qualifications.

OP, your baby daddy is not of the same ilk. Go it alone or you will have at least two babies to look after - your baby and him and whatever 'mates' he drags in from the streets.

BIWI · 08/02/2020 19:13

Best help? Leave him.

NaomiSophia · 08/02/2020 22:03

I’m currently 39 weeks and 23 years of age in the last 9 months I’ve had to move out, save for a mortgage, buy a car and deal with letting go of my old party girl mentality. It hasn’t been without its hardships of feeling alone, loosing 2 grandparents and feeling like a burden on my other half anytime I ask for anything.

My partner although 26 is still very immature when it comes to understanding the nature of what’s going on and what I’ve had to sacrifice as he would drink and expect me to be full of energy through sickness, SPD and daily clexane injections etc.

What I would suggest before anyone even thinks they have a right to tell you to abort this child is to look into all options seriously as for how life would be if you had to leave him (I am not saying you need to). Then go in prepared calm and collected and explain to him exactly how you feel, what this baby needs and what you want to do. Explain what you need from him and of course make sure it’s realistic as he’s probably just as terrified as you are. I feel like people are just so quick to judge parents who are a little younger than they are. I have definitely felt treated like i a child during pregnancy - it’s amazing how patronising people are.

I had this chat in September after feeling so isolated, alone and generally shitty about what was meant to be the best experience of my life. I am now one week away from delivery, we still have our arguments but I know fine we’ll he will be the best parent he’s just a little bit slower to the reality of this child than I was.

I understand this may not be the case for everyone but I promise you if you want this baby there will be people who love you and will support you no matter what. Single or not you are capable of being a mother the choice is just down to you, there’s plenty of support out there.

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