Baby number 2 and absolutely terrified

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

DS is 17 months. DH and I always said we wanted 2 and relatively close together.
I found (and still find) DS really hard. He was a shocking sleeper. Wouldnt nap in his pram, would barely nap indoors on me, needed me to walk round a park in the sling or drive round for hours. I still find it difficult that we are so constrained by naps. I feel like I'm living a completely different life to the one before.

DH and I then hit a really rough patch. He went to counselling and it got better. After a lot of reassurance from him we decided to try for number 2. Just as we tried DH literally went straight back to the arguments we had before counselling. I am really worried about our relationship (we now have marriage counselling booked. I am hopeful we can sort this).

I'm pregnant - I found out last sunday. I feel like I should be elated but I'm terrified. How am I going to geg the baby to sleep while looking after a toddler? How am I going to enjoy any of it? How am I going to get DS to his childminder (30 min drive away).

I'm terrified. I dont know what I want to hear but I just thought it might help writing it down.

All legitimate worries. I'm pregnant with my second too. I think reality really hits you when you already have a baby to look after.
I suppose just keep telling yourself that you will get through it.
Just do whatever you need to do to make life easier for yourself.
You probably need to talk to your husband and just try to agree to be kinder to eachother.
Is there any childcare closer to home?

DS1 was a horrendous sleeper - DS2 was much better - also co-slept which saved my sanity. It’s hard having a baby and a toddler no doubt but you will manage - just you just need to grab sleep when you can. I used to take the three of us off to bed in the afternoons and we’d read/ feed and nap together for a few hours. You may also find your baby naps well in car during nursery run or consider a closer nursery or childminder if not. Above all you’ve done this before so you’ll be so much more relaxed and confident second time around which helps a lot.
The relationship issues do need to be addressed though as lack of sleep and a new baby will make things worse. Can you book back in for some more counseling?

The issue here is your husband, not the thought of juggling a baby alongside your first child.

I would not have a baby if my relationship with my husband was uncertain. Does he know you’re pregnant? Would you consider aborting and trying again if/when your relationship improves?

Adding a new born baby to an already fragile relationship is only going to make things worse.

I can totally sympathize. I found my 2nd pregnancy harder than my (already very difficult) first one. Mainly from worrying about everything- how to cope, what if something goes wrong etc

DS1 was (until he was 7 years old) an horrendous sleeper. Or rather a non sleeper he resisted sleep since the day he was born (severe refluxer) and we actually took him to a psychiatrist when he was 6 cos he was refusing bed every night.

Anyway, getting ahead of myself.

DS2 was a breeze in comparison and actually diluted DS1 and made him less demanding. I remember DH and I marvelling that a 3 month old DS2 and a 2 year old DS1 was actually no more work than a 0-2 year old DS1 IYSWIM.

DS1 was and is incredibly demanding. And puts himself ahead of everyone else's needs EXCEPT DS2. He understood very young that the baby will sometimes (not always) get precedence and it did him a lot of good. Also gave him a playmate which gave us a rest.

His sleep didnt improve until we found some decent reflux medication and the drs decided he was lactose intolerant.

Do you know why your DS' sleep is so bad?

Thanks everyone.

I dont think I could bring myself to abort. I know it isnt ideal and I'm not actively happy about this pregnancy yet (is that normal?) But I dont think I could abort it.

DS is a better sleeper now - we did gentle sleep training at 8 months but in guess i worry because it only worked because we could give him anvery constant routine.

We could change childcare, problem is she is brilliant and very close to my work which I plan in going back to after my 2nd mat leave.

Thank you for replying and making me feel less of a horrible person.

@NeverGotMyPuppy I can't offer advice but just to say we had more or less the same experience as you re the effect it had on us as parents. We have decided (we think) just to have one and save 'a little of ourselves'. We love our DS and he is enough for us.

No one warned me about the nap thing and I too found it really constraining, still do at age 3.

I'm sorry you are going through this especially when pregnant I feel your pain.

Two babies close together IS hard work. Even harder when the father is unsupportive. Get him doing more now, don't let him abdicate the hard graft of parenting to you. Being at work is far easier than being home with babies or toddlers or all the organising and minutae of young school children.

If it helps, each baby is different. Watch for how lively baby is in your stomach as a/he grows. My pfb rarely slept and was so busy all the time (in and out of my belly!) getting to 200 kicks before mid morning even. DC2 was the sweetest quiet thing, very chilled as a baby compared to her busy toddler older brother. She used to watch her brother in delight and giggle as a baby, she found him far more entertaining than anything else we did. As they grew, they have been brilliant playmates to each other (in amongst the sibling squabbles) , she was such a tomboy until she got secondary school because she worshipped him!

Id have had grey hair far earlier if DS1 had been an only child as he was intense!!

... Now number 3... whole different practically 'sent my hair white' story from the age of 1!! But she fitted in well too.

Thanks @MinnieMouseMaze. We did consider just staying at 1 but I'm quite an intense person and I dont think I would be a very good parent with an only child.

I just want the nap stage over! If I could gave had twins first time round I'd have been delighted.

That made me smile @Didshereally. DH really does do what he can, he is just argumentative over tiny stuff and it makes day to day living very wearing when he does it. But in terms of actual graft he is pretty good.

I don't have a lot of advice but want to say by the time baby is here toddler might be over naps so you won't be restricted by this. My son stopped at 20mths and went to bed at 5pm instead. I'm also pregnant with no 2. All I know is it will be hard at first but then we will find a rhythm.

As someone who worried hugely before DC2 arrived recently (6 weeks old now) completely understand. You just get on with it- the second baby feels easier so far as you know what to expect and aren’t thrown into that scary newborn clueless phase like with number one. In terms of your worries- all legitimate but you find a way! Eg with the childminder- worst case you manhandle them both in everyone crying and have a hideous 30 minute journey before you fling him out and have some peace with DC2 😂. If that’s your expectation anything else is a bonus!

Thanks Chatterbox x

Hahah yes that's true! I spent so much ofnDS's babyhpod obsessing about naps the idea of a toddler waking a baby already fills me with rage!

Sorry, I really need to learn to preview. 'Spent so much of DS's babyhood'

That's good that he does the parenting graft too NeverGotMyPuppy

Maybe you should mention to DH that sometimes you find his comments (then give an e.g) wearing and unhelpful and you'd like him to think about whether they are necessary or kind at that time? It sounds like he's got into a negative habit of moaning or picking at you, and needs pulling up in it. He shouldn't be adding to your stress and fingers crossed you'll be a long time married and parenting together, so you might as well get those channels of honest collaborative communication going early,

Thanks. The situation got really bad and communication just seems to have got really bad (when we r fine we are fine, but that isnt good enough if you see what I mean). We are going to go to counselling together. Thanks for being so supportive and helpful x

Sounds like returning to counselling is a good idea for you as a couple.

As for your toddler, I would have classed mine as difficult at 17 months. Terrible seperation anxiety, wouldn't go to anyone else, big commotions at nursery drop off every day. He would sleep through mostly but bedtime was becoming a full on nightmare - I was feeding to sleep but I wouldn't get out of there till 9pm, lots of tears, he had to fall asleep in my arms and then be gently transferred to his cot and invariably he'd wake up several times and we'd have to repeat the process. Half the time I'd end up falling asleep while doing it and waking up at 11pm in the chair in his room having missed the whole evening. Then up at 5-6 every day.

We decided to take the plunge on a second as I was hoping it would get better in the 10+ months before the second arrived and I was right. DS1 is 23 months now, DS2 is due in May. DS1 currently:

• Is happy to go to nursery, waves me bye bye and runs off to play at drop off.
• Goes to daddy, nanny, grandad quite happily without screaming the house down for me.
• No longer breast feeds, doesn't miss it at all.
• Has a lovely bedtime routine where I read him some stories while he's tucked up in bed (sides off cot), then I say goodnight, turn the light out and go downstairs at 7.30. He falls asleep on his own. He never gets up and messes around.
• Stays in bed until 7/7.20 depending on what I set the gro clock for.

He is an utter dream at the moment, like a completely different baby and I am just enjoying these last few months before the new baby comes. We're planning on potty training next month and he's so ready.

So much can happen in these next few months. They grow and mature so fast, he's able to understand me now and so everything's not so confusing for him. So don't panic! Take time to work on your marriage, and have a think about what you'd like to tackle with your toddler to prepare for the baby.

If it helps Baby3 would sleep through hoovering rand probably a tornado! And DD2 was a far better sleeper than DS1. You can start early to by talking to toddler about being quiet and sssshhh time as babies need to sleep. Start now with baby in your tummy is sleeping (at a time toddler is calm) so got to be shhhh ...I found putting in classical music, or Baby Einstein DVD that he sat down to watch, at quiet times was helpful for my busy DC1 to give me an hour's relative peace.

Will you keep childcare for DS1? Can DH do morning drop off? DC2 has been a horrendous sleeper so far but good with daytime naps so I’ve been better able to catch up during the day. For a good few weeks the most reliable time for sleep was 7-11am which I was also able to sleep as DH was able to do the nursery run.

I won’t comment on your relationship concerns but second time round I’ve found I’m just much less stressed about things. I think it’s because I know that none of the really tough phases last forever (for us it was 6 weeks of never sleeping longer than 45 minutes in the cot, and some nights no sleep for me at all as DC2 would only sleep on me). I’m also better able to see a bad day for just that, a bad day and can (almost) always manage to assume that tomorrow will be better (and it almost always is). I don’t put any pressure on myself to leave the house everyday like I did first time round and I’m happier for it.

I have a DD who is turning 2 next week and am due twins in a few months. I don’t have any close friends nearby and my family are all abroad. Believe me when I say I know how you’re feeling! You are just going to have to take things not even a day at a time but hour by hour I think. My dd still naps for around 2 hours during the day. How I’m going to cope when she stops napping is my problem because at the moment that’s the only time I get to rest... have no idea how I’m going to cope going from 1 to 3 mostly on my own as DH works long hours but that’s the way things have worked out so I’ve just got to go with it. Sounds like you’re going to have to sit down with your DH and have a proper conversation without any distractions about what’s happening and how you’re both feeling. Counselling is so helpful but you need to work on it every day, marriage is hard and adding kids to the mix makes it even harder when it’s not just the two of you anymore- it’s so easy to forget why you got together in the first place , but communication is key...

Thank you all so much, I'm really grateful for the advice and tips and general sympathy!

I put WAY yoi much pressure on myself with DS. One week we did 14 outings - I have absolutely no idea why I thought that was necessary or a good idea. I'm much more laidback now I'm at work 3 days a week, our 2 days at home are often just the park or the library- DS still has 2 naps so if I go further afield inhave to let him sleep in the car and he wakes when the engine turns off