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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Can you love your second as much as you love your first?

14 replies

Sunshineonarainydayagain · 07/02/2020 19:44

I’m gonna sound like a right dick saying this but I’m in an extremely low mood.

I have a DD who is still a baby. I’m 25 weeks with DD2. I’ve flickered between being excited (when I first found out I was pregnant as it followed a miscarriage) to feelings of dread to just feeling “meh”. DH isn’t particularly enthusiastic about this pregnancy either. He has DD so he has his “daddy’s girl” so barely mentions this one.

I just don’t see him loving this one as much as DD1. I had PND with DD1 and I feel like I’ve given up trying to be close to her now as there’s no point. I look after her obviously and she doesn’t want for anything but I’m just not enthusiastic about DD2s arrival either.

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Original poster

Sunshineonarainydayagain · 07/02/2020 19:45

Wouldn’t be surprised if DH ends up having a favourite child as his parents blatantly have a favourite even though DH doesn’t think they do.

I know I am the favourite child which is massively shitty and I certainly don’t enjoy it

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StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2020 19:48

Please talk to your midwife, this isn't quite right.
Fwiw yes I have a favourite child, the one who is easier to parent and more like me in personality. That doesn't mean I love her more than my other child.

RedSheep73 · 07/02/2020 19:48

Of course you can. It's much easier to love one that's here already and you've bonded with than one that's still a bump though. It sounds like you have issues you need to work on, but you know that already. Have you got some help for your depression?

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2020 19:49

You are struggling and suffering. You're a great mum, get the help you need to enjoy your dc.

Yestermost · 07/02/2020 19:50

When my second was born it took me a while to love him. Bur a few weeks in it just clicked . Now I have 3 and they are all massive teens. I love them all on differently ways but equally as much as is possible.

Dancingandthedreaming · 07/02/2020 19:51

Each baby brings it's own love, please don't worry x

Original poster

Sunshineonarainydayagain · 07/02/2020 19:52

@redsheep73 - I was taking citalopram (probably spelt that wrong) and I stopped taking it when I fell pregnant this time because of miscarrying before. I could have really done with some counselling I think but I have no idea how to get it.

I’m also the idiot who has managed to lose her orange book so need to find that before getting an appointment.

Some days I’m completely fine and others I am extremely low. I think that’s why I’ve probably gotten to this point. The good days were outweighing the bad but now I’m not so sure.

OP posts:

Neednewwellies · 07/02/2020 19:53

Ok, you say you had PND with your DD1 but I’d suggest you are still suffering. How old is she? You’re pregnant after a MC and you also have a young child. To top it off, your DH doesn’t sound supportive. It’s no wonder you’re struggling with your feelings.

My view is that they bring the love with them so to answer your question, of course you can love the second as much as the first. I think you sound as though you’re exhausted and worrying that you haven’t bonded with your DD in the way her daddy has. Try not to worry too much about that at the moment. You have many years to strengthen that bond. I’m not a baby person at all and I’ve become closer to mine the older they’ve become. It’s hard work having 2 so young. Cut yourself some slack. There’s no reason at all to suggest you won’t love your baby when she arrives, even if it takes a while that’s fine too.

Bluewater1 · 07/02/2020 19:53

You sound like a great mum but you sound like you are struggling emotionally. Please let your health visitor or midwife know so that they can get you some support

Yestermost · 07/02/2020 19:53

Sorry posted too soon I realised I had PND after DS2. It took a while but I told people and got help. Be kind to yourself

Housiemousie · 07/02/2020 20:06

Yes! and more but the relationship will be different: it has to be, they will be different characters so you will interact differently with them. They are both yours so you will defend them against the world equally!

I am a second plain and unremarkable child, hot on the heels of a very beautiful and clever 8th wonder of the world child. My mother told me of her shock and despair at finding she was pregnant with me (i am 14 months younger than her pfb), but I never felt it growing up. My first indication of this thinking was as a 17 year old sitting beside a first time mother on a long haul flight. I held her baby while she prepared food and told me she would never have another because she could never love another 😮😮.

My amazing, perfect and very easy first was not followed by a second until 8 years later. We went through sooo much to get him and when he arrived he was difficult, cranky, hated the routine his easy going sister had fallen into. I was horrified by what I found myself in. My DH was deep in depression so had no interest in DC2. Didn't even want to know the gender, came to no scans, missed the birth. The first year was tough (but I think, with all the love in the world, it is tough with two or three+ children) and my poor baby was shown love mostly by his big sister while we struggled with adult themes like bankruptcy and depression.

This second child (who was a difficult baby in so many ways: feeding, affection, mixing, etc) is such a ray of sunshine now. I don't have a favourite but I do look at DC2 sometimes and think: how lucky we are to have you. (same of DC1 of course but we kind of regretted or struggled with DC2 so often in the early years that I am more aware of our fortune in having him and our misguidance in regretting him in the early stages. He is a gem - still not the easiest, but worth every bit of effort)

squee123 · 08/02/2020 17:11

please ask your midwife about local services. In my area you can self refer for CBT and pregnant women are treated as a priority and seen within 4 weeks

Disneymum1993 · 08/02/2020 18:46

I felt the same my dd was 11 months when i found out i was pregnant and worried full pregnancy.soon as i seen dd2 i fell in love instantly and i had my 3rd child ds 5 months ago and i love them all equally xx

CloMo1995 · 23/02/2020 09:23

I know exactly what you are feeling.
When I was pregnant with my second child, I secretly was hoping for a girl because I didnt think I would love another son the same as I love my oldest. When I found out my second was another boy i was devastated because i thought i would fail him.
But omg was i wrong, as soon as i gave birth to him and he was passed to me it clicked, I wouldnt change him for the world.
I now have a daughter too and I love all my children equally but i do have a secret soft spot for one of them because i feel like i can interact with them easier, doesnt mean i love them any more, all my kids are perfect in their own ways.

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