Shock 4th pregnancy

[Troubledmummy3]

Hi I’m new here and really looking for advice....
First off if you’re TTC or struggling PLEASE don’t read this because I don’t want to upset anyone in that position 😢

I’ve got 3 children, 13, 11 and 6...and I found out I’m pregnant on Thursday after going to docs as thought I had a kidney infection! I’m 36. We had a slip up, I took the Ella one pill. I had my normal cycle in it’s entirety 10 days ago. Sent to EPU due to the bleed and pregnancy confirmed although v early (5 weeks)
My husband is devastated and says he doesn’t want to start all over again and if I’m honest neither do I. We’re through the first 6 years and things are starting to get a little calmer. Our eldest has already said they want NO more siblings several times in the recent past 😢 But I just don’t know that I can go through with a termination. I can’t imagine having another baby either! I see babies and I feel stressed, not excited and then I cry in fear and guilt. I feel so stupid and like I’m dying inside...we agreed to terminate but the atmosphere is almost worse now as we both try to deal with the gravity of our decision whilst acting completely normal with our other children 😢
Background is husband is a fantastic dad and partner, my best friend, a great provider. Our older ones would miss out if we had a 4th...we wouldn’t be able to afford to take them abroad for example. I suffer with my emotional and mental health also and have anxiety so this is another consideration...
I’m desperate for responses, for people to read and please share their experiences or thoughts but please don’t respond if you are going to be unkind.
Thank you so much for reading

No one can make this decision for you.
I'm pregnant with my 3rd. Massive surprise! No idea what the future holds now financially or with child care while I'm at work. I get scared thinking about the future but I'd be even more scared if I lost my baby.
I think you should talk to your husband again if you are having doubts.

I think definitely revisit the conversation with your husband again he may be having doubts too!

Similar situation, except mine was the result of a failed vasectomy. Never for one second did I think I'd be in that situation.

I didn't want anymore children but I also didn't want to have a termination. In honesty I just wanted the situation to go away and it to have never happened.

But ultimately what made the decision for me was thinking about why I'd made the decision to have no more kids and what could potentially happen if I went through with it. The main ones being the extreme ones, the risk to my life having another and where it would leave my kids, what sacrifices I'd have to make that would affect my kids and how I would feel if I'd given birth to a child with disabilities.

It wasn't an easy decision and I think about my choice a lot a year on but I know it was the right one for me.

Not a lot of advise for you personally I know, but I wanted to share my experience and say how much I really feel for you. It's a horrible place to be in, I remember. PM me if you want to chat privately

Thank you for your responses. He definitely doesn't want to continue....I'm not mentally strong enough to go through an entire pregnancy hoping he'll come round 😕 that's the issue. If he was supportive then I'd get over the shock and probably start to get used to the idea but like he says he can't help how he feels 😔

Purplepingu I've just read your response - thank you so much for sharing your experience. xx

I was in a similar position 12 years ago. Unexpectedly pregnant with 4th child, huge shock marriage going through a rough patch and struggling to make ends meet. DH was not happy about pregnancy and my head said abortion was best option, was sure I didn't want any more DC. went to abortion clinic twice but just couldn't go through with it. Now have a wonderful fourth DC and can't imagine life without them and I'm so pleased I listened to my heart not my head. I know you are in shock right now but whatever you decide ( and to be clear I'm not anti abortion) will work out and you will get through this.

Runnerduck34 thank you so much for sharing your story! It's so reassuring to know all the emotions I'm feeling are normal. I know we would all love this baby when it was here but it's all the stress in between that I can't deal with - either feeling like I'm forcing my husband into having another child or the alternative; feeling the loss I know I would feel - could I live with myself? I just don't know...
Also really concerned about my eldest child I know they'll be very upset and feel pushed out 😔

You would not be forcing your husband into having another child. You both new the risks, neither of you has been sterilised (I'm guessing), so the situation is the same for both of you. Try to be kind to yourself--you're in a really tough situation.

I think it's normal to be in turmoil, you've had a huge shock . tbh even when I decided against abortion I was still in denial for a long time and spent most of pregnancy in tears which looking back was so sad as it should have been a happy time. I also felt guilty- that the pregnancy was my fault , I had let my children and husband down, made our financial situation more precarious, would compromise what we could give DC and I also felt ashamed that I didnt want this baby and was expecting a fourth child as it seemed embarrassingly excessive ! Now I can see that my emotions were irrational but it's how I felt at the time. But at 38 weeks a calm descended over me and as soon as DC was born we all absolutely fell in love and despite my fears we coped and muddled through and its all turned out well, so pleased I went ahead with pregnancy. Whatever you decide please try not to beat yourself up , it's such a waste of energy, it is not all your fault and have faith it will work out which it will.

Hey, I have no advice on your decision however I would like to say that your eldest child who said they don't want another sibling would potentially come around. 13 is a difficult age in many ways and there's a lot of change. Don't make your decision based on your other children's current words, it needs to be your choice. I know this might sound harsh, but we've all been teenagers full of hormones and said things we didn't actually mean. Fast forward 20 years and imagine someone somewhere let's slip that mum decided to have an abortion partly based on what 13yo dc said, they'd be horrified. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make. Sending love.

Not sure if people come back and read this but I just wanted to thank everyone that commented and update. Tonight my husband said what does your heart want and when I said to continue he said ok let's do it!! So all being well with the pregnancy we are having our surprise 4th baby! I'm scared but for the first time excited. For someone else maybe not continuing would be better but I know in my heart we've made the right decision for us. But we won't be telling our children until 12 weeks so have plenty of time to think of a way to show my eldest they won't be forgotten ❤️ xx

A lovely update ..good luck to you all .. exciting new addition .,

All the best OP xx currently ttc 4. Husband isn't hugely enthusiastic but he's still knowingly showing up 😂 some days when the children are really difficult I wonder if it's the right thing to do. Youngest is 2 so we aren't as far through it as you but the thought of starting with a newborn is still daunting. I must be very thick 😂 but I'd still like one more 🤷‍♀️ x

Troubledmummy3 I'm in the same position when I read your decision I felt excited for you,..... I'm 7 weeks we took the morning after pill and hubby thought it was the miracle pill when I explained that it might not work I never for one moment thought it wouldn't. When I told him he couldn't have been any more perfect....... Reassuring it's me my mind is driven mad with what if how will..... My youngest will be 7 when this one is born and Id come to terms with no more.
I think what will people think 4 children in a house that's far to small.... Financially we are stretched but then I remember something my mum says a house efull with love has expanding walls . I'm excited but finding it hard I think until 12 weeks when I can talk about it......

What a lovely update! I'm so happy for you, I wish you well

I've only just seen this, but had I seen it yesterday, I would have said to give yourselves some time to think, once the shock has worn off. I'm so pleased you are both feeling positive.

We had our very surprising, shock 4th baby almost 10 years ago. I am Catholic and abortion wasn't an option, and I was in a total mess for months because I had just got my career back on track, we were moving forward after 3 babies quickly, and we were going to have 4 children under 7!! I had counselling and did a lot of thinking, but by the time he arrived, we were all excited. He hasn't stopped talking since he arrived but I wouldn't wish it any other way. I feel guilty for feeling so negatively about him before he arrived, but honestly, he completed our family.

Good luck and wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and beyond!

Good luck, I'm glad you've made the right decision for you!

Aww thanks for updating us. I hope all goes well x