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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

He doesn't care

22 replies

shittingmysel · 02/02/2020 08:56

I'm about to be a first time mum. The father doesn't really seem concerned in the slightest that he has a baby on the way. Or he doesn't discuss it with me - we are not in a relationship baby was a big surprise. People tend to tell me he'll change when the baby is here - am I right to assume that's a little unlikely?

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Kezmum14 · 02/02/2020 09:13

When I was pregnant with my 5 year old, his father didn’t want to have the baby, by the time I was 7 months he told me he would step up and be a Dad, he started asking more questions and I invited him to the growth scan. He came. A few weeks later he was at the birth and then he asked me if we could work things out between us. That was 7 years ago and we have our third on the way. He did completely change the moment he saw his son so it does happen.

I have a friend who was also in a similar situation and the father of her baby didn’t ever accept she was pregnant and had absolutely nothing to do with his daughter until she was 7, he then got in touch, started paying for her and visiting. It didn’t work out as the little girl wasn’t interested in spending time with him, so he drifted away again. If he chooses not to acknowledge the baby just be the best Mum you can be. My friend is a strong single Mum and her daughter a credit to her :)

sel2223 · 02/02/2020 09:13

My sister was in a similar situation and the dad tried everything to force her to have a termination.
She didn't and my gorgeous niece is now 5 years old.
The dad is still around and has recently started having her overnight occasionally.
He's not perfect (by any stretch) but at least he's in her life.

Clangus00 · 02/02/2020 09:16

Don't put him on the birth certificate or give baby his surname.
Be prepared to do this on your own.

sel2223 · 02/02/2020 09:26

Fair enough the surname but I don't agree about not putting the father's name on the birth certificate! It's not a game or something to be used as a weapon!

If the father doesn't step up then that's his loss but he's still the biological father, and if he turns up in a few years time suddenly wanting access then you cross that bridge when you come to it, no matter how much you might hate him. That's his right and that's your child's right.

It's extremely selfish and immoral to withhold that information from the record of birth just so you can make it more difficult for him.

SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 10:16

I disagree about withholding his name from the birth certificate. Everyone deserves to know who their father is, unless he's an axe murderer.

I would reserve judgement on the surname as you still have a long way to go, but if you aren't going to be a couple I'd give her my surname.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 02/02/2020 10:32

The fact your not together isn't going to help things as he presumably he doesn't have any attachment to you either?

I wouldn't be relying on any real level of support at this stage.

(Please put his name on the birth certificate - you were both "adult" enough to make a baby together when you weren't in a stable relationship so don't forever insult your child by leaving a blank space where the fathers name should be)

yellowallpaper · 02/02/2020 10:42

He either will or he won't. Either way he has to pay child maintenance

Original poster

shittingmysel · 02/02/2020 11:50

We were friends before the baby news we saw each other regularly. I don't hate him just his reaction to the situation- I understand he may feel a lack of control I'm now 24 weeks and he came to a couple of the scans but backed out of the gender scan as I think it became to real for him. I've encouraged him to be part of the pregnancy he's known about all appointments and I've told him about when she's kicked etc. However he's making contacting him difficult. He's not actually discussed the fact we're having a baby with me directly so I just don't know where I stand.

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Bluntness100 · 02/02/2020 11:57

What do you mean he never discussed it with you. Did you not take the conversation with him that you were having his child and get his views?

Original poster

shittingmysel · 02/02/2020 12:01

Yes but I evaluated how I felt about the situation first. He was more informed he was having a baby that he didn't want - if that makes sense. I have told him he can be as involved as little or as much as he wants. And he has shut down and won't discuss anything else. Whilst writing that I've realised that may be because I didn't discuss my initial choice with him.

OP posts:

katielilly · 02/02/2020 12:12

Conversely naming a useless father on the BC, gives him PR and a right to have equal say on health, schooling decisions for the child. There are some men who take a great deal of pleasure in being obstructive in these decisions, because they can (with PR) or they want to get back at the child's mother. So it's not always black and white re naming the father on the BC.

sel2223 · 02/02/2020 12:20

@katielilly you can't just not name a father on a birth certificate because you think he's useless! I'm sorry but that is such a selfish attitude and so unfair on the child.
The BC is a legal document, if you know who the father is then you should put the father's name on there. It's not something to be used as a weapon, to get 'one up' on them!

If you're 'mature' enough to have sex and get pregnant with someone, then you should be mature enough to do the right thing and deal with anything that comes along. You can't deprive a father of his rights just because you don't want him to have any.

The only possible exception I can see is if there is actually a physical risk of harm to you or the child.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2020 12:22

I think as you didn't even ask about his feelings, simply presented him with a fait accompli and told him he didn't need to be involved, you've a bit of a neck then complaining he's not involved as you'd like. Clearly you wish him involved. Yet even asking his feelings on being a parent wasn't even relevant to you.

It's not a nice way to treat people. Yes ultimately it's the woman's decision clearly on proceeding with a pregnancy but generally discussing it with thr father is a decent thing to do.

Original poster

shittingmysel · 02/02/2020 12:41

Discussing it wouldn't have changed the outcome though. I felt I was just cutting the bullshit to be honest.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2020 12:53

Absolutely it would have changed the outcome. He would have felt his feelings counted, he would have understood how much involvement you really wanted, you would have understood his feelings, what he wanted in terms of involvement.

The outcome is not just having a baby, the outcome is also the co parenting and how to raise a child.

By not discussing it the outcome is where you are now. It didn't need to be like this.

katielilly · 02/02/2020 13:15

@sel2223 I merely presented the reasons why some mothers don't name fathers on BC. I'm not saying it's right or moral; surely it depends on an individual basis. I absolutely believe it's unfair to judge mothers who feel they may have no other choice.

sel2223 · 02/02/2020 13:22

@katielilly mother's who have no choice, i.e. there is a real risk of harm to them or the baby is one thing and I would never judge people in that situation.
Mothers who don't include the name just because they think the dad is 'useless' and they want to deprive him of any rights and don't want him to have any say in schools or medical care etc are just being selfish in my opinion.

The BC is a legal document, not a weapon.

SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 13:24

@Bluntness100 I don't see the issue. She's told him he can be involved, or not involved, it's up to him. Or do you mean she should have offered to have an abortion, just to please him?

MyCatScaresDogs · 02/02/2020 14:12

If they’re not married, the mother can’t “put” his name on the birth certificate. The father would have to attend in person to register the birth. Whether or not the mother should give him the opportunity to do so is another question....

Misandra · 02/02/2020 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnoozyLou · 02/02/2020 14:23

@MyCatScaresDogs No he doesn't. But he does have to sign a Declaration of Parentage form.

sel2223 · 02/02/2020 14:24

Ok ladies.....slightly missing the point i think....
The word 'put' was just a figure of speech. Yes, the father must attend or complete a statutory declaration if the parents are not married.
The point being the father should be put/included on/invited to be on the BC unless there are serious reasons for him not to be. In my opinion, being useless isn't a serious reason.

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