Pregnant and fed up with "advice"

[SleepingKitty]

Just a moan really! I've just lost my patience today with the amount of bloody advice I keep getting from Mums. I'm expecting my first. It was very much planned (we had fertility issues so there was a lot of reading and research done in advance), and yet over the last week or so I've had various friends giving me bits of advice that have just made me want to tear my hair out! We are talking really obvious stuff that would be well known to anyone who's been TTC. Eg "make sure you eat healthily as it's good for the baby". Oh you don't say! And "you must make sure you're taking folic acid". No shit Sherlock! I've been taking pre/conception vitamins for 3 years so this isn't a surprise!!

I'm really losing my patience with it. Sorry if I sound ungrateful but Not sure if it's pregnancy hormones or what?! The last straw came today when another friend whose baby had massive issues sleeping and who used to be up all night lying next to the baby's cot, said to me "make sure you NEVER listen to anyone who says you can't cuddle your baby to sleep. They need love first and foremost". My head nearly exploded!!!!

I feel like people are telling me what to do and I hate it! I'm sure I'll have 1000's of questions but when I do then I'll ask (probably on Mumsnet). I know they mean well but it's doing my head in. Is it just me or are other pregnant ladies getting this stuff thrown at them?

I think people are trying to be supportive and are probably excited for you, TBH. But your reaction sounds really typical for a pregnant lady and feel free to vent!

It gets worse once you've had the baby

@therewerefour

It gets worse once you've had the baby
So much worse

Here’s the one bit of advice you should take - nod along and ignore it all unless relevant or you have actually asked for it. If wanting advice on breastfeeding, go to Unicef BFI, on safe sleep go to the Lullaby Trust etc i.e. actual reputable evidence-based sources, rather than anecdotal stories about so and so’s child.

When the baby is here you're going to lose your shit 😂

People are trying to make conversation. If they didn’t mention your pregnancy you’d also be annoyed.

I find it really hard to talk to pregnant women women sometimes.

You’re looking well/when are you due/chosen any names/do you know the sex...

Guaranteed I’ll be told oooh we’re keeping name/sex a secret because (insert competent boring and pointless reason), I don’t really care I’m trying to act interested and be nice and share their excitement/make them feel like I’m interested.

Conversely I know the same to be true of my pregnancies and I don’t take anything anyone says to heart. They’re trying to be nice about something they don’t give two hoots about.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

People saying "it's so much worse when the baby is here" it's kind of along the same lines as the advice. Can't women who've had children just empathise / remember back to when they didn't? Is it so hard?

I don't go round to my child-free friends saying "you don't know anything until you've been pregnant".

@frazzled I honestly would not mind one bit if they didn't talk about my pregnancy! I'd be thrilled. I've only told people once I've seen them and because I've had to and would be quite happy with no-one knowing.

If they didn’t mention your pregnancy you’d also be annoyed.

I find it really hard to talk to pregnant women women sometimes.

Not all pregnant women are the same. I fucking loved it when people talked to me about the same stuff they talked about before I got pregnant. It made me feel like less of a walking uterus and more like a person.

The best bit was when I got irritated with my parents for their continual interrogations, and they didn't mention the pregnancy at all for a month. I think they were trying to make a point but it was bliss.

Buy yourself a t-shirt that reads "If I need any advice, I'll ask thanks" front & back

I wasn't too bothered by the advice, it was more the my body becoming a public commodity and people touching my stomach when I started to show (thank god I exploded at 28 weeks and he arrived early at 37) I don't do touchy feely and actually had a go at my best friend for sitting with her arms around me in the pub.

I get where you're coming from though, unsolicited advice from anyone is annoying at any point.

I'm on to my second and thankfully the advice has been a lot less this time around, my advice to anyone I find out is pregnant for the first time is you will get a lot of advice you don't want just ignore it and do what you want to do

It’s a nightmare isn’t it!!! People mean well but it’s very annoying. I had my baby two weeks ago and keep getting the mind her head comments off my mum. No rhyme or reason, I worked in childcare years I’m more than able to hold and mind a baby but it’s like it’s an automatic thing for her to say, even to my husband who can also hold a baby safely. And the infamous have you not fed her yet she is hungry when the child is only fed ten minutes and sound asleep happy in the cot! It gets worse when baby arrives I’m afraid 😂😂😂

Can't women who've had children just empathise / remember back to when they didn't? Is it so hard

It's hard to explain. I have three daughters who are now just about grown up. The youngest is 17 now.

I can empathise with the fact that you find the advice perhaps a little bit patronising, but people are probably just making conversation about something that they would see as a big and exciting deal for you at the moment. As someone else said, I doubt that you would be too happy if they totally ignored your pregnancy.

I can't say that any of what you have said would ever have even registered with me.

Can I remember when I didn't have children? Well yes, but no at the same time because very quickly I could not have ever contemplated life without them. So that is even harder to explain. I couldn't even explain it to myself until some weeks after DD1 was born. She is nearly 25 now.

Yes, I was advised to do hypnobirthing..,by someone who didn’t actually do it herself.

Like you I will ask if I have questions tbh.

Excited/trying to be helpful people are possibly the most annoying thing about pregnancy.

Well OP by the time you've had this baby you'll have few friends left to annoy you so you'll be fine.

I don't know what was worse - the gratuitous horror "birth stories" or my insensitive FIL telling me that childbirth was "easy".

People can be intrusive and tactless,

The best piece of advice I got with my first was from my dad. He literally said to me, "only advice I'll ever give you about kids is to smile, say thanks then ignore everyone's advice." Made me smile and kind of became my motto

No words of wisdom here OP. I hear you!

It is annoying and I found it really condescending. As soon as your pregnant everyone is suddenly a midwife

I didn’t have this with friends as I was the first of them to have a baby but my family and colleagues were as you describe

Haha @Mintjulia I am getting that t-shirt! :-)

Honestly @Topseyt as I said in my last post I would be absolutely happy to not talk about it with people after the initial congratulations. I'm not one of those pregnant women who wants to talk about it all day. There are other things in my life too.

I've noticed friends who had babies very recently were more aligned with me, but the ones whose children are older seem to have become the most condescending. One of them even began talking about another friend being "childless" the other day - (it's not an expression I particularly like as it implies this is a negative whereas it may well be the woman's choice). I have never heard her use that expression before and realised that she must have previously used it about me!

I lost count of the number of times I said "Thanks that's an interesting point, I'll give it some thought" during my pregnancy and beyond, whilst ignoring all the well-meaning but unwanted advice

Make sure you drink plenty of water 💦 👏👏👏👏