Ladies, this story has a happy ending. Albeit times when I felt like maybe happiness just wasn't in the cards for me.
I wasn't thinking of sharing painful memories - it is easier for me to push unpleasant experiences under the thick rug of my mind's basement - but if even one of you can relate and get some "I can do it" energy from my story, then it is worth reliving some of those moments.
In (very) short, DH and I went through almost a year of no conception, two miscarriages and a pregnancy termination at 25 weeks due to severe IUGR, placental insufficiency and a brain abnormality which would have resulted in permanent disability and pain to the child. There, I said it all.
Before the IUGR diagnosis was established at 21 weeks, I was in a careless, excited and extremely happy mood. I was pregnant. I was way beyond the 12-weeks mark, and so outside of the miscarriage red zone. My 20 weeks scan went well and all the doc said was "congrats, healthy baby". Great. Then I went to a further ultrasound - because we had insurance coverage for the pregnancy and so it was free so hey why not - and got the meanest coldest shower I ever have. My whole world was literally flipped. I came out with an entire array of new and scary terminology which I did not fully understand. Fear and confusion took hold of me until full blown panic set in. I researched the web and god informed on PAPP A levels, probability curves, survival chances. I turned to forums for hope. Docs dragged the situation for another few weeks of monitoring and tests, but really there was no hope. They suggested the possibility of termination. I felt like I was murdering my baby. I cried for a week. I prayed. I lost hope. I accepted defeat.
The injection which stopped her heart was the single loneliest and most difficult moment I have confronted in my life (so far). I gave up on my baby - that's how I felt. All my rosy hopes turned into grey, muddy reality. I was in despair. The walk home from the hospital is all blurry. I couldn't see the pavement in front of me from the tears. I spent that sleepless night in tears and cries. I spent the entire next 24 hours hating myself, the entire universe, God, gods, destiny, everything and everyone.
That late in the pregnancy, be it a stillbirth or a LTOP, you need to deliver the baby. You are induced and you give birth. I was so tired of living at that point, that I just wanted the nightmare to be over. Do whatever you gotta do, I don't care about anything anymore.
After the delivery, I started searching for answers. Not satisfied with blaming bad luck anymore. We consulted the best in the field, been to numerous scans, MRIs, done blood test, urine tests, placental tests, genetic tests.... nothing. No traces of an explanation. Docs kept telling me it was better this way.
They kept saying the same thing when I didn't get a positive pregnancy test for about a year. Then when I had two early miscarriages.
When I finally got pregnant and reached 12 weeks, I was elated and terrified. Every scan and test would give me a panic attack. I kept expecting the worst - hell, that seemed to be my destiny, right? Wrong. To my big surprise the pregnancy went relatively problem-free. I was induced at 38 weeks because docs wanted to be conservative about it still. I gave birth.
I have a son. I HAVE A SON! As hard as it still is for me to believe I made it, it is true.
Whatever your hardship is, however far the light seems to be, don't lose hope and don't give up. A tiny step at a time.
I am wishing you all the very best of luck.
Vika