Due Feb, stress of MIL

[Mv2145]

Im due in February with my first and my MIL is stressing me out she has done from day 1 really and I’ve tried to just brush it under the carpet for example not letting us pick the pram we like/buying things before asking (meaning as in there’s been other people in my family that would of like to of bought things and she’s just going out and doing it) so they feel quite left out. The thing that’s upsetting me the most is that I feel like she’s trying to take my firsts away with baby she told my partner she’s going buy the babys first Christmas outfit and he stupidly said ok (I wasn’t there) and he has apologised to me for that but really she should of asked us both and the answer would of been no. Then I find out she’s doing our babies first Christmas Eve box too.. I don’t know whether I’m overreacting but this has really really upset me and I’ve explained this to my partner and he’s not willing to speak to her. Should I maybe have a word and explain or am i being dramatic? Obviously it’s been a build up of everything she’s been doing.. I get she’s excited but I really just need her to take a step back and let us do our own thing as a family. I’m so excited to become a mummy I don’t want precious things like that being taken away from us I haven’t even met my little bundle of joy yet I shouldn’t be stressing about this kinda stuff already! Thank you 🙂

Don’t have Christmas with them!

Does she live nearby?

If your partner won't you need to tell her to take a step back ! It's a bit awkward but has to be done or she won't stop just be really nice about it and explain how you feel and if she carries on then just tell her straight x

Does she live with you? Let her buy what she wants and then just replace it with your own stuff. Things you can't do that for (prams!) you'll need to speak up about. "Oh it's the tradition in my family that my mother buys the cot" "I don't know what Christmas traditions we will decide to have yet" "thank for the offer but I've taken care of that already". Etc

She lives nearby. But we aren’t even having Christmas with her either, obviously we will be visiting family on the day but we have already decided Christmas this year it will just be us 3 until we go see others in the day! I just don’t want it to get worse I do understand she’s excited but I feel like she should already know things like that are important especially for new parents!

I think if your partner won’t address it, which I feel he should, you have to speak up. Unfortunately if you don’t it will just get worse once your baby arrives, it’s pretty common for grandparents in their excitement to overstep the mark. Just explain she had those firsts with her children already and now it’s your turn! You and your partner need to be united on this though!

Also if these things happen just say, thanks very much but we’ve already made plans for that or bought one of those, eventually she will realise she’s wasting her time and money.

Don't tell her stuff. I'm sure you didn't tell her all about your movements, hospital appointments, purchases etc before you were pregnant so don't do it now.

If you get a lot of gifts you don't want, start sending them back to live at her house as you already have one, she should have asked, x has already bought you one,you don't want one.

Also even if you can't get your partner massively on side, he has to know that you are a team - 'I'll need to ask Mv2145' before he agrees to anything.

Christmas plans - we've only just had the last one! 'We don't know what we'll be doing'. Rinse and repeat until at least December 1st. She doesn't need to know your plans, even if she gets you stuff, you don't need to use it.

A friend bought my August born DD a beautiful Christmas outfit. I was delighted with it and DD wore it on xmas day. It never occurred to me I was missing out on some special right of passage to have not chosen it myself, but as it bothers you tell her you're excited to buy the outfit yourself "as I'm sure you can understand". Xmas eve box thing, tell her it's vulgar consumerism gone mad and you'd rather not litter the planet with more unnecessary crap.

But being more serious you really need to get your DH on the same page. The resentment this kind of interference generates can ruin a relationship.

Everything is changeable Mv2!

I had this with MIL and it actually ruined my pregnant because I let it over whelm me. My mil was insisting on all the stuff your saying and also saying she would be at the hospital when I was in labour and inviting other people!

You need to stop worrying about upsetting her feelings and start digging your heels in. Once you’ve done it once it gets easier.

Next Xmas is such a long way off. Just buy the things you want because you can do as that’s your baby. Yes her nose will be put out of joint and I’m their might be an awkward moment but it will pass.

I just used to pretend I hadn’t realised I’d pissed her off!

Your a hormonal wreak when pregnant and it can seem overwhelming but honestly just laugh inside when she says this and just go out and buy it yourself. If she goes out a buys stuff just say ‘oh that’s so thoughtful bit I’ve already bought it - have you still got the receipt? Maybe you should ask first so we don’t double up?’

One of my issues was that mil would ask us what the kids were getting for Xmas, so we would tell her and then she would actually go out and buy the main present and the kids wouldn’t get it unless we visited on Xmas day. That was a lesson learned that year!

Honestly don’t let her get in your head. Just because she’s saying all this means nothing. If you want to buy it/do it - just crack on with it

I think that you're assuming firsts means only one. My lo for first Christmas had a number of items bought, tbh now a few Years down the line I have no idea who technically bought the First Christmas clothing and it doesn't really matter as you'll simply buy the item you like. I think you're turning this into a bigger deal than it need be.
The Christmas eve box - great but unlikely to be anything that a 9 month old will be that bothered by. Let her carry on. If you don't want to use don't use.
She's obviously excited and that's preferable to disinterested surely?

Oh and yes I agree. Limit the information you give her.

She’s just eager, excited and yes a bit controlling but really just start doing what you want.

My mil wanted Santa to come to her house as well as mine and other mad stuff. Luckily her friends intervened and told her that was weird. So sympathies. The shine eventually (takes years though) wears off. Firsts can be a big thing for them. But you can smile and nod at some of the smaller stuff. Don't forget- things can be recycled, sold, photographs taken and sent of child in outfit and then sent to charity shop. It's a shame but when you need to battle some bigger issues I eventually learned to use these strategies. Pain in the arse.

MiLs are a nightmare. She is probably very wrapped up in her own excitement and is forgetting that you are the mama and you and your family are excited too. It's tricky because she is doing nice things for you, so I think you politely need to say, as PP have suggested, 'Oh we've taken care of that' 'my insert family member here is planning on buying that...' 'we appreciate it but we'd like to do that ourselves' etc, then if she persists take a more forward, stand-offish approach with her. If you or OH go in all guns blazing she could get very upset and defensive whereas she needs to understand this isn't her baby

@Mv2145 Don’t let her wind you up. Let her buy you what she wants, you don’t have to use it! Give it away/ sell it and replace it with what you like. As for the first xmas outfit...just buy your own nearer the time and then when she brings it up just say you preferred yours! It’s your baby and you’ll be dressing her/him (sorry if I’ve missed the gender) xmas morning, so your in control. I would ignore and give no reaction to anything she says from now on 😃

I'll tell you my experience- my MIL is lovely but mine was her first, long awaited grandchild and she was obsessed with him.

f.ex for baptism she wanted to buy the outfit and the blanket. I said no thanks, we already have one. I told her she had her babies now it's my turn. If yours kicks up fuss, maybe distance yourself a bit. Do your own thing, buy things YOU like or want, never cunsult her, and if she buys doubles, bring them back to her house. If you;re not firm now, things will become even more stressful in future and you will be losing a lot of sleep over her ruining your motherhood.

You have to be very firm. She can buy the Christmas outfit, but she can't force you to put it on your child. Buy one and ignore hers. The same with the other stuff she is buying. Return to her and say you already have it or don't like it. I don't understand why two grown up people should not be able to buy a pram they want ffs.

And congratulations ... for the first Mumsnet mention of Christmas 2021. And the Easter eggs barely in the shops!

Having the same issue with my mother in law as it goes..
I announced my pregnancy to my mother in law and father in law (we live with them), and they were very excited understandably they wanted to start buying things for the baby which i never had an issue with..so when she said she would buy the cot i was a bit surprised because i always thought that was something i would get to do as the mum to be so when i asked my husband about it he said its a gift and not to mind too much as she is doing it out of sheer happiness..
HOWEVER.. she is starting to say she wants to buy the babys first clothes from the hospital, feed the baby its first food, buy babies first jewellery which i find really unfair because its not giving anyone else in my own family the chance to do anything let alone myself and im the mother! I really wanted to clothe the baby for the first time and im really beginning to feel more like its less my baby and more hers and i really dont know what to do because i dont know if its just me in my head..
my sister has already said to me she wants to buy the babies first bits of jewellery before her and my mum has said she wants to buy the first outfit since my mother in law is doing most other things since i live with her but its really beginning to frustrate me because shes not giving anyone else the opportunity to have some contribution including ME and its really upsetting me.. i dont want to be pregnant and feel like this but shes really dampening the whole experience for me now.
when i told her my mum wanted to buy the babies first outfit leaving from the hospital she got a little upset but she didnt really say anything and i could tell she was upset by that.. all she said after that was whoever buys it first can clothe the baby, but shes doing everything else so why cant she just take a step back? ive always had a good relationship with her but i think the arrival of this baby is going to create some serious rifts and i dont know if im taking it too far but i really feel like im having no part in doing things for the baby for the first time and if anything im being made to feel like everyone is excited to have this baby except me when im the mum-to-be..
i dont know what to do ladies, i want to talk to her but i know she has a habit of relaying things back to my husband so im thinking to raise it with him first..he can be really defensive and hard to talk to but i feel like i dont deserve to feel like i have no part in doing things for my baby to be for the first time and shes not giving my parents a chance to do anything either..
plus, she has a grandchild already whereas my parents dont so its not like its her first time. someone please tell me if im overthinking it or if its something you can relate to!

My MIL has 3 previous grandkids and throughout my pregnancy has made me feel less like it is my baby (first born) and more like it is hers. I started visiting and calling her less and telling her less about my pregnancy for her to get the message. She only speaks to my OH now. But in all honesty she hasnt backed off at all. My OH doesnt want me to speak to her and is dealing with this because he intends to tell her to back off but in his way (but i dont think this is working) TBH if he doesnt i will. For example. She has been told not to kiss my belly because i dont like it and came round the other day and tried but i pushed her away and shielded my belly with her arm. My OH was alarmed because she is literally doing her own thing. My only piece of advice is keep ur distance and be firm with her. She needs to hear in a nice way that this is stressing you out and you know she is excited but she needs to let others enijoy the new baby or better still let you enjoy it. I am at the end of my tether with my MIL and unfortunately i am going to have to go nuclear but needs must in my situation whereas having a frank conversation with her cant hurt. As for your OHs, they shudnt be making decisions without you and they need to stop worrying about upsetting their mums. Take control and deal with your MILs in a constructive and assertive manner. Dont let it linger and go on like i have. MIL wont and shudnt be making key decisions, it is her grandchild and not her baby!

fab2020 it'll matter so much less when the baby is here! As for dressing the baby for the first time (assume that's what you mean), surely that will be something you do? Unless your MIL is going to be hanging around the hospital all day waiting for you to be discharged. If she will be around and you don't feel like you can stand up to her then just dress the baby before visiting hours.

When the baby is here you can say "no, I'll do that but thank you for offering" complete with a big smile if you want to do things for your baby like bathing, dressing, feeding etc.

Way too much focus on BUYING stuff. Stop with all of this and things will suddenly become far less stressful.

Just echoing what others have said and advising you to start to create some distance with MIL. She doesn't need to know the ins and outs of your lives especially if she is just going to use it to ruin things that are special to you (however unintentionally). Unfortunately some GPs are so wrapped up in their own world and role as GPs they see themselves are most important and forget that you are mum. Start to assert boundaries now because it will get worse once baby is born. I would be very concerned by your DHs behaviour and would be demanding couples counselling to look at why he feels the emotions of his mum come before his wife and unborn child. Even if he keeps being a twat, you'll be the one off with baby (presumably and if you're not I'd be changing that now) so you will end up becoming gatekeeper.

I think the two ladies having these issues need to just sit your MILs down and have an honest conversation. All of the 'start avoiding them' messages worry me because as grandparents they are bound to be excited. They don't need to be pushed away and their only fault is being too excited and wanting to spoilt their grand babies too much. My in laws have been exactly the same but it was nipped in the bud from the off, they were pushing to buy the pram so I kindly declined, they asked again and again, so I told them very firmly that my own mum would be buying the pram, however as they would be doing their share of babysitting etc they were welcome to buy a pram to keep at their house to save us lugging it back and forth in the car, they were made up about this and it has set the tone for other things too. I always live by the mantra 'speak the truth even if your voice shakes' be brave and stand up for yourselves, Good luck!

My MIL was exactly the same as this.

She bought my Daughters first Xmas outfit, Xmas eve box, advent calendar, Xmas stocking. I was a little bit taken aback but I don't have a mega back bone so let her get away with it.

My partner had a word with her for last Xmas and said that actually I wanted to buy the advent calendar and Xmas outfit etc. She then announced that she was making an advent calendar from scratch and buying 25 toys to put in it etc, she cornered me in the shops and said "oh I've seen a really nice Xmas outfit in here. Could I buy it for great gran as Xmas present for X". I said of course, and then she said "she can wear that Xmas day then". I just Purchased my own outfit for Daughter for Xmas day and got partner to have another word regarding the advent calendar.

I think it comes from over excitement, but they do tend to try and take over everything and try and get you to pass on their family traditions. I now just ignore what is said and do things my own way and if it causes a bit of hurt then tough really!

They can also be so so helpful though, so it's such a tough situation. I think just pick the things that are important to you and stay strong regarding those, but other things you might have to let go as otherwise you spend so much time feeling p*ssed off (in my experience 😂)

I had a similar situation with my mum rather than MIL so I appreciate it’s a bit more difficult.

You really need to get your partner to back you up.

I ended up blocking my mum in the build up to the birth and correspondence was made via my dad only.

My family made excuses for her saying “oh she’s just over excited” but it came across as controlling and it ruined my experience a little. Being over excited isn’t a good enough reason to overstep boundaries.

My mum still tried to call “dibs” on buying the first items so I either bought them before she did it just took them to a charity shop (petty I know but when I was pregnant or when DD was a newborn I felt extremely vulnerable and I wanted to be in control of something).

I didn’t involve her in anything either.

Don’t be afraid to say something if your partner doesn’t back you up. It’s your experience. She’s had her turn and it’ll only get worse otherwise.

Good luck

My MIL seems to be the opposite. I'm due end of March and this is my first baby, but her 6th grandchild.
A few weeks ago I told her that people had started asking what to get us, so in case she was looking at presents for the baby there was this mobile we would have liked for the nursery. I sent her the link. She didn't comment a single word. She hardly ever asks about the baby, wasn't interested in seeing the nursery or the travel system my parents had bought us. She seems completely disinterested. I'm not sure which is worse. I get that a 6th grandchild is not as exciting as 1st, but she's still my baby's granny and it breaks my heart that she doesn't seem to care.