HELP PLEASE- should I have DH as birth partner?

[SANA]

PG for first time, both dh & I are very excited. dh is a bit sqeeeeeeeeemish to say the least and I have told him that I expect him to be in there with me which he has said he is happy to do. I know this is worrying him not about being sqeemish but whether he will be able to cope. The way i c it is i have no choice on the matter and I dont c why he cant do his bit!!I know this sounds selfish but I dont think he will be much support to me as he never manages to do anything without asking me 20 sodding questions, even if i send him shopping he just rings me so many times as he cant decide on anything and he just isnt very assertive about things!! over time i have come to accept this but since bing pg he just annoys me all the time as he relys on me so much to decide things all the time and there is no changing him. I have been trying to prepare him for whats coming not that I have a clue myself and am beginning to realise that at the birth he will just let the hospital get on with it and if things go wrong then I will be really annoyed with him and if he misses it then I will resent him

I have no one else who can be a birth partner, my mum is becoming reluctant granny, MIL lives to far away & my sis who is great is also over a 100 miles away and has no kids of her own. I have considered getting IMW but it is so expensive and after much toing & froing I am thinking of getting a doula and my dh to be birth partners so that I can have dh there but be able to rely on the doula to understand my needs, I am hoping that will ease the burden on dh & he will then also have some support- what do u all think???????

sounds like a good idea - you get the support you will need and dh is there as well. There is a doula who posts on this board - Pupuce, so she may have good advice if she sees this.

When i was in labour, I had exp (dd's father but was p at time) and my mum as birthing partners. I knew exp would leave the room which he did as I knew he wouldnt cope with seeing me in pain. I was thankful my mum was there, but I did also have a student midwife there who was very helpful and if I didnt have my mum there, I would have been very happy to just have the student midwife holding my hand.

Try preparing your dh with watching other people in labour on Discovery channel or something. Maybe him talking with his mum might help. Do you have any close friends who can be there for you?

no friends who can help I am afraid. Have just spoken to dh he doesnt want a doula and then after me rabbiting on for a bit then just said I should have one if thats what i wantas if its got nothing to do with him !! i am ready to scream!!

Message withdrawn

Sounds like my DH! IMO the time you need them most is actually when there's nothing to see ie. first stage. During 2nd stage midwife was present all the time. Important to stay head end of things though. Unfortunately for my DH, the door to the labour room was feet end. He had gone out for some water and came back in as the afterbirth came out. He was actually quite traumatised by this although I can not even remember 3rd stage at all.

I think it is difficult for anyone emotioanlly attached to you to see you in pain and this is why a professional can perhaps provide more practical support.

I am pg now and thinking about doula (see nhs vs private midwife thread) but DH says he wants to be more invloved this time - we shall see!

If you think your sister would be of value to you, I would ask her. Chances are she will get there in time to support you or give DH a break. I don't think it matters that she has no kids as long as she's willimg to learn and understand it all.

A good doula will be attentive to both mums and dads needs to be honest. Personnally I have found all dads to be different so my way fo dealing with them varies... some do need to be given tasks (I have taught dads how to massage their wives), I also find I spend quite a bit of time reassuring dad (if that's needed).

If you are looking for a doula may I suggest you go here to find one ?

or here to read people's experience of a doula

thank you for all the messages, this is really embarrasing I am sitting at work in my office crying, dh has rang me after reading the info on doulas to tell me he wont let me down & that when the time comes he will blood and all be right there with me supporting me all the way & if any MW hasnt read the birth plan and tries to intervene without good cause he will if need be get out a rolling pin, thats the most supportive thing he has said since I have become pg, he is so anti-doula at the moment and we have agreed to discuss it tonight, dont know why I am crying pgnancy hormones to blame, I also spoke to my sis who wont be able to be at the birh but she supports the idea of the doula and this is all getting very confusing. Sorrrrrrrrrry for the whinge!!

SANA - don't know if this is realistic or appropriate but - have you joined a pre natal group (like NCT) or something. It may be that may still meet someone (another woman who has been through this childbirth process)who could be with you during the labour and birth. It doesn't have to be an old friend does it? I have no idea how people would feel about it but, FWIW, if I could, I would be a birthing partner for someone I didn't know that well as I think it is really important to have someone with you who you can rely on. My DH was fine as it turned out but my friend was with me a swell and that really helped. Good luck

What about a mumsnetter

Ooohhh me me me!!!

Honestly I am sure you could get your own friendly birthing partner from here - we have (most of us) been through it and spend most of our days talking about it and standing up for the rights of women in labour!!

Hi Sana. My dh was very squeamish and unsure about being at the birth but as ds was five weeks early hdidn't get any choice and he was great. He said the NCT classes (well the two we attended were very helpful as one was on giving birth) and he was there watching the head come out etc. His brother has just done the same last week after being unsure so they normally come round. I was considering a doula myself but the early arrival meant that of course didn't happen. I thought that having one would be a good idea but have no experience of it.

Twinkie, that is so lovely, have u ever consdiered becoming a doula?

I havent joined NCT yet but intend to, that would be awful if I joined hoping to meet a birthing partner and didnt find one. I want to firm up on a decision very soon, can any one suggest ways in which to persuade DH that we should have a doula? i have already given him loads of info on them but there appears to be changing his mind!!

I wish I had known about doulas when I was pregnant - I'd have had one to support both myself and my husband during the birth as it was all such a very new and daunting thing. I am sure you will be fine whatever decision you make but if you want a doula, maybe talk to your husband to find out why he doesn't want one and try and reassure him that a doula like ourown love pupuce would be wonderful!

I had my dh and both my sisters at ds's birth. One sister (who had already been a birth partner once) was supposed to be there, one sister just ended up there. But I was very glad to have all of them, especially as the midwife was so short-staffed she wasn't around much. Dh wasn't too sure, when I told him I wanted my sister, but in the end he was very relieved there was someone else to share it with.

sorry if I am repeating, but I would definately recommend that you have a friend who has been there, done that and got the T-Shirt!

Personally it really helped with my 2nd birth (on hall landing).. dh was around, but dear friend was on duty as it were!

SHE made me feel much more relaxed than HE ever could!!!!(at that particular point)

Thank you Sis
I have been a doula to 1 mumsnetter already (Pie).... and will be to another one (Harman) in a couple of weeks....
Before any of you think I am making money off mumsnet..... both these births are done with a Hardship Fund (i.e. the mums don't pay anything) Doula UK will pay my expenses though (not my feee which I have chossen to forego).

If any of you need a doula and GENUINELY can't afford one you can always ask to use our (Doula UK) hardship fund.

Sana I have to say that YOU are the one who is doing all the hard work during labour, sorry but your DH is there to support you and your needs and if you think having a doula will help you (and I am sure it will reading up on the stats etc) then he really should understand this. I hope this doesn't sound to blunt but to be honest he is not the one going though it in the end.....

Sana why is your husband so anti-doula??
I had a dd2 Monday gone, and dp was there all the way. Although tbh I thought he'd faint or something he stayed with me and complained about his headache instead.
Strangely he said all his discomforst vanished when he saw our baby being born... (she was born early in the morning so I pretty much laboured through the night). Even more strangely he let slip he'd watched everything happen, found it all fascinating, and not half as graphic as he'd thought!!!

I think dh thinks that I am giving him a no vote of confidence by asking for a doula, we had a really long chat over the weekend and we have agreed for this one we will not have a doula as he thinks he will be able to cope and he really does want to be there to help me, at least by having this chat we have had to address how he feels about the whole labour thing, I suppose most women manage just with there partners and I will as well, thnanks for all the advice though, not sure where I would be without all u MN'ERS!!

Sana, best wishes for your birth and for your dh as well. From his point of view he may see a doula as a stranger butting in - if you can, maybe say that it's an idea you're still interested in because neither you nor dh has done this before. Because the great thing about a doula is that you meet up beforehand and get to know each other. If you just want your doula to be there 'in case', while you and dh get on with it, then I'm sure the right person would be happy with that. I tried for a doula, could only find one locally who could potentially cover my birth, and it turned out that we weren't really on the same wavelength, nice though she was. But I'd explored the options and that felt right for me. In some ways i do still wish that I'd found one, even though dh was magnificent throughout, because he was so good that the midwife retired to the background (she said to me afterwards 'every time i thought i should say something, S said it instead' but in fact I would have appreciated a knowledgeable person who was more involved, and someone who had met me beforehand might have realised that although dh was soaking up my emotional outbursts, i wanted more information that I wasn't getting.

That was a long sentence! You are doing the work Sana - you are right to consider your dh's needs but meeting with a doula or two doesn't commit you to anything and may reassure him.

acnebride, i feel as if i have been round the whole block on this one and between how i was feeling and how dh was feeling about the doula it was just getting really confusing and i was getting really wound up the whole time, i dont know if all new mums to be feel this way but i just feel that i have so much to sort out and so many decisions to make, even buying a pram is so confusing that i feel I am on information overload so maybe this doula thing was just adding another thing to worry about, i have to b honest I am not worried about the birth at the moment as have another 20wks to go but may live to regret this decision, will have to just wait & c!!

SANA - get DH to watch lots on discovery health to get his resiliance to labour right up there with the best - DP is just the same and I truely believe it is the unknown that they are scared/apprehensive of - joining the NCT will above all give you and him an arena to discuss your concerns and also listen to other first time parents who will invariably also feel the same, he will probably feel a lot better discussing how he feels once he realises that his feelings are normal and shared by most men afterall!!

(DP is not going down that end and is already terrified that I will be in pain (I've done this before so I know I will be) - I have told him that if he annoys me I will tell him to FUCK OFF and expect him not to but to be nice and quiet and let me get on with it though!!