Helping friend after a late miscarriage

[cupoftea84]

Hello,

Not sure I've got exactly to right topic but anyway...

Just found out my friends miscarried around 18-19 weeks.

Having had a baby I know how attached you are already by then and I imagine you have to give birth.

I've not spoken to her yet, her husband has told us.

What can I say or do that might help? She already has a child so I don't think I need to avoid all child related topics but I might be wrong?

Any advice appreciated as she must be in an awful place and I want to help.

You can’t say anything that will help because honestly, nothing will help other than time. Sounds cliche as fuck but I have had miscarriages and my best friend had one at 20 weeks last year. She is still healing and I suspect she will be for a long time, if not to some extent forever.

The best thing you can do is let her know you’re there for support, send a nice card and perhaps some flowers and don’t say anything stupid. By that I mean don’t say something insensitive such as ‘you can always try again’.

I agree. I lost my little boy at 17 weeks after going into labour. He was delivered and the pains were just the same as when I gave birth to my other 2dc.

It is such a horrendous thing to go through. I remember laying holding my tummy and feeling empty for the first few nights.

It's been 6 years this year, and I always but 6 cream roses and have them in a vase next to his scan photo each anniversary. It's just my way of marking it. We had the same flowers on his coffin at the funeral.

Just be there for her, ask how she is and just let her know you are around. The one thing I hated was when people said "well he's not here but the other two are so focus on them"....I know they meant well but it used to grate on me because it made me feel like he wasn't a real person (and to me he most definitely was!).

Unless you've been through it you wouldn't understand. But to me I have 3 DC but one is in heaven.

Thinking of your friend at this sad time

Thank you ladies. I'm so sorry for your losses.

It hasn't happened to me so maybe someone else could say if this is way off. Would treating the situation like she's given birth + someone died be helpful? So taking other child out to the park, making a meal, coming and doing some housework (or taking washing back to yours etc) / helping but in the background to help things tick over, without making demands on her? Would things like that have been a good idea?

Also, asking, obviously, first, but doing it specifically, rather then "let me know if there's anything I can do" type of question.

I lost my boy 10 years ago at 16 weeks and had to give birth. There's nothing anyone can say at the time that you want to hear just be there for her and offer any support you can. Sending best wishes x

I lost my baby at 20 weeks,7 weeks ago. Please don’t shy away from talking to her about it, I love talking about baby and am so pleased when people remember about him. I have found it has hurt more when people say nothing because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing than when people try and talk to me about it, even if they are accidentally a little insensitive. Some people have just treated me like the pregnancy never happened and that really hurts. Little messages and texts to let her know you’re thinking of her, even if she doesn’t have the strength to reply.

The worst thing you can do is not talk about it.

The best thing people did for me is being me meals so I didn't need to think or cook.

Also I wish people would carry on talking about it even after the initial weeks. I'm two months on and everyone is over it and have moved on but I haven't.

Totally agree with @avocadoincident, everyone assumes you’re ‘over it’ and ‘back to normal’ after the initial weeks. You’re not, the raw grief has changed into a really heavy weight and your friend will still need just as much support x

I can't offer any advice, Just wanted to pass my sympathy on to your friend, her partner and to you.
I hope you find the right direction and that they come to understand how to manage their grief.
Love to all xxx

@HenrysHome what a perfect description...it is a heavy weight to bare.

So sorry you share the weight too @avocadoincident x

I am so sorry for your losses ladies.
Thank you for the insight. I'll delicately suggest I'm there if she wants to talk about the baby even in months or years to come.

Talk about the baby using his/her name.