First baby - so worried about my career

[cheesefritters]

DH and I are both self-employed - him as a graphic designer and me as a freelance writer. We both work from home.

We’re due to have our first baby this summer, which we’re both very excited about. We’ve tried to plan our work loads and finances so he can take one month off after the birth and I can take two, but I’m starting to really freak out about our future.

What if the baby is so time-consuming (and I know they are!) that it jeopardizes our businesses so we can’t work and can no longer afford the mortgage? What if it means that I can no longer attend meetings (which I have to do fairly regularly) because I’m tied to the baby? What if my absence from work means I lose clients? How are we going to cope working from home with a newborn? We do have savings but not enough to cover a nanny or childminder or anything like that. Both our families live hours away.

All these questions are swirling around in my head and I’m wondering if we’ve done the right thing getting pregnant. We both really wanted to start a family and are so excited about it, but perhaps our work situation means we’re not in a position to do so and that a baby should only ever have been a pipe dream.

Does anyone have any advice?

Floopy the reality for some is that they simply can't afford childcare.

With a mortgage and other outgoings, many can't. This is why so many women fall off their career ladder....because the majority ditch their work to care for their child....because they want to and because they're bfding.

I didn't earn enough to pay anyone. My freelance career wasn't that well established when I had babies.

I just muddled through. Even combining mine and DH's income, we'd have been short of everything if we'd paid a nanny.

I'm self employed. I became self employed after I had my baby. I found that some days, I could get some work done while my baby took naps, but don't count on it. I generally relied on my partner getting home and taking over so I could do a few hours. But he doesn't have boobs, so it didn't work all the time.

As my workload increased and our son got older, it became unworkable, so I put him in nursery 3 afternoons a week. I've now increased it to 4. Somehow, we got to 2 years, but I've now idea how. DP and I were pretty frazzled by that point.

Bear in mind that you might qualify for tax free childcare. I think you need to earn £150 something a week. If I'd known this before, we would have started nursery a lot earlier. For every £80 you contribute, you get a £20 contribution from the government. So my childcare, from 1pm to 6pm, 4 days a week, comes to around £325 most months, which to me isn't the earth, but it enables me to get things done.

I do have busy weeks and DP takes DS out for the day at the weekend to let me get things done, but I try and avoid it as it's important we all get some quality time together. Sometimes it's unavoidable though.

I'm now pregnant again. Luckily, we should qualify for free hours for our son when he turns 3 in September. For DC 2, we'll be playing it by ear, but I think it's a safe bet we'll be starting childcare a lot earlier. Probably around 6 months.

If I had my time over, I would definitely have started childcare a lot earlier. Nevertheless, we're doing pretty well and our son is happy and settled. My advice would be not to expect to be full time without childcare - otherwise you'll never see your partner - and probably don't wait until 2 before you get childcare. We were tearing our hair out by that point and it was completely unnecessary.

Good luck with what you decide.

I’m sorry op but something will have to give, it sounds like you are wanting to work the same , make the same money, not use your savings and not employ help?

Did you not think of this before you got pregnant?
If you both work surely you see your going to have to compromise somewhere either with the hours you work or getting help?

The newborn stage is probably going to be the easiest stage to get work done, when they get more mobile you will definitely need help or take it in turns to look after baby it’s just not fees able.

Yes, if you're both at home you CAN ebf. Your OH can bring baby to you for feeds. Maybe express enough for one bottle a day in case you need a longer stretch. This will be good for you because you will actually want to see your baby regularly, even on your work days.

Now stop worrying about work and get to preparing your mind and body for what's to come. Pregnancy yoga, hypnobirthing...at least youtube if you cant get to a class. NCT classes are great if you can make tge time.
You will thank yourself for it when you are calmly breathing your baby into the world instead of lying writhing on a bed for hours.

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and spend some of your savings on childcare if both you and your partner plan to continue working full time so soon after the birth. You may have had other plans for that money but at the end of the day if you are struggling to manage work and a baby you may well end up losing most of your clients and putting your business at risk in which case you would have to spend your savings anyway to survive. Hopefully if you can continue working by spending on childcare you'll be able to build up the savings pot again later anyway. Unfortunately having a baby can be expensive and you do end up spending money you would have maybe rather had in a savings account but its a necessary expense and its worth it in the long term.

I think the 3 day split is a really good suggestion. You can pump so baby can be bottle fed by dh on his care days. If pumping doesn't work you could also combi feed. But you will need to pump when working anyway to keep supply up... So if you're both home hubby can just bring baby to you for a feed? On the 3 days you're working you can just do a longer day to make up the hours. You've got this, don't panic!

I’m sorry op but something will have to give, it sounds like you are wanting to work the same , make the same money, not use your savings and not employ help?

This.

You are basically wanting to both work and earn full time without childcare. I can’t see how that could possibly work?

Look at local childminders to compare costs.

Is your earning currently high? You may qualify for child tax credits once the baby arrives - if you both work at least 16 hours a week you’ll get money towards childcare up until your joint earnings get to about £45k ish. Worth looking at the online calculator to see. You’d have to apply for universal credit if it’s a new claim.

But you will need to pump when working anyway to keep supply up... So if you're both home hubby can just bring baby to you for a feed? On the 3 days you're working you can just do a longer day to make up the hours. You've got this, don't panic!

Yes, I think that would work - I really like the three-day suggestion and think it could be doable for us. EBF is the ideal for me but if it doesn’t work for whatever reason then I will combi-feed or FF.

Did you not think of this before you got pregnant?

Sorry but this is not a particularly helpful comment. I’m feeling extremely stressed about it all and I know I’ve not adequately planned - but I desperately wanted a family, it was my last chance and in any case, it’s too late now, I can’t give the baby back.

@Bluddyhateful thank you for your lovely list - it really, really helped!

I actually think you could do this providing you have a calm tempered baby who is a good sleeper. Unfortunately you won't really know until baby is born so there's no point worrying now- if it doesn't work out then you'll find another solution. Certainly don't let it ruin your pregnancy!

@SinkGirl I think we’re literally about £5k over the threshold! But we have high outgoings (mortgage in the south-east). I will check out the mortgage calculator anyway just to see.

I’ll obviously be entitled to maternity allowance too, but it won’t add up to much if I do go back to work after two months.

• not mortgage calculator - online calculator!

It all depends on the baby. You could get one like my friend’s - slept pretty much constantly, only waking for the odd feed. Took to ebf with no problems, and no problems with taking a bottle etc. She definitely could have done some freelance work if she wanted!

Obviously your families live away but are either of your parents at retirement age & could come stay for periods of time when you have major deadlines or need a bit of support?

I have no freelance experience but I moved myself & my family from a happy life in Berkshire back home to where I’m from in Yorkshire at the point we decided to try for a child. I could not get my head around how we could afford nor juggle childcare, work etc.. so we left our jobs & friends and off we went. Best decision I ever made.

Obviously maybe this just couldn’t work for you but would family help you?! A friend of mine lives down in London & her mum travels down to stay with them Thurs & Friday every other week to give them a breather with childcare. Could something like that work? Obviously, that’s quite generous but said mum is desperate to see her Granddaughter regularly so doesn’t seem to mind!

I think you have to see your career path as no different to my regular employed one when it comes to childcare? My decision to return to work 3.5 days a week meant I had to have childcare from somewhere. I can’t take her to work. It’s not really any different for you? A baby can be easy (mine wasn’t) but thinking to the future, a toddler is the opposite of easy. I absolutely could not work with mine. She demands I play or we go out & weirdly isn’t that distracted by the TV! If I couldn’t afford childcare or my parents help, I’d have had to give up work. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But I guess you can bend your hours & work weekends so maybe it is possible with careful planning!

Things have a funny way of working themselves out, try to not go into total panic mode. Have a serious think about how it can practically work and be prepared for life to be a bit choppy while you navigate the changes! I hope things all turn out OK in the end OP!

Thanks Bol! I’m not sure my parents would be willing to come down and stay that frequently for various reasons (and I totally respect their choice, of course!)

Am I right in thinking that I’ll be entitled to 30 hours a week of free childcare when my child turns three? I assume that applies to nursery care, rather than an individual childminder? And that will cover me for the year until they start school aged four?

Also, I think you need to go into it with a realistic but positive mindset.

If you keep thinking “this isn’t going to work it’s going to be dreadful my business will fail” then it definitely will, but if you think “it’ll be tough at time, and my business might be slightly impacted for a short time, but I’ll do the best I can and make it work” then it’ll be better

Am I right in thinking that I’ll be entitled to 30 hours a week of free childcare when my child turns three? I assume that applies to nursery care, rather than an individual childminder? And that will cover me for the year until they start school aged four?

Everyone is entitled to 15 hours a week (term time only) from the term after their child turns 3. Some are entitled to 30 hours, you’d have to look at the criteria - there’s an upper earnings limit for the extra hours. That’s in place until they start school.

Can be used at any registered childcare provider I believe including childminders but not every provider accepts the free hours as the pay is shocking. Many you have to pay a top up, or for extras like food.

Some are entitled to 15 hours from the term after they turn 2 - we were because our twins are disabled and receive DLA.

You’re in a better position than most as your work can mostly be done flexibly, and I assume you both mostly work from home apart from meetings? This gives you the ability to cover each other but you’ll need to be very disciplined and work as a team. It’s definitely doable. I agree with others who say it will be easier between about 4 and 12 months than when they’re toddlers. (I recommend getting a good swing, then a good bouncer, then a good playpen!)

I worry about this too, as a self-employed person... I'm not going to lie, it seems to be really hard for a lot of new parents.

work has been so full on.

If you've got loads of work to keep you busy, can you increase prices so you need to work less hours, or are they already as high as the market will bear? Is there anything you can do to reduce costs?

I'd definitely want to know how I was affording childcare. If you can make it work between you, maybe three days each or something, then you'll save money and it'll be great - but just incase you can't, I'd want to know the plan for paying for help.

I’m wondering if it’s worth slightly reducing your income (eg taking on less work) to get you under the tax credits income threshold for help with childcare, just for the first few years until some funded hours kick in. You’d have to mess around with the figures a bit.

The other thing to consider if you’re both self employed is to form a limited company, take a minimal salary and the rest as dividends which would reduce your taxes and NI significantly, you could offset a percentage of your costs as expenses (such as rent, broadband, electricity, phone bills etc if you’re working from home) and depending on he dividends you take may put you under the threshold for tax credits too. Worth speaking to an accountant (and I say all this as a leftie - but far wealthier people make use of the system as it is, sometimes that’s what you have to do to get by).

*mess around with the figures in the calculator I mean

I agree with @minipie that something has to give, you can’t have everything on your terms - continue working without it affecting your job/income, not hire in childcare because of costs, not move closer to family etc. Seems to me there is a need to be realistic and compromise on some of this. As you’re freelance and can choose your hours you both have flexibility and I would be making the most of that. It won’t be easy, but lots of women return to work after short maternity leave (a couple or three months) to jobs that are inflexible and require them to be in an office for set periods of time every day. You’re fortunate to not be in that position so make the most of it!

Thank you @sinkgirl! Yes, we’re both at home full time except for meetings. I’ve just had a google and it looks like as long as you earn no more than £100,000 per year (which we’re nowhere near!) you do qualify for 30 hours of free childcare from the age of 3. Because my baby is due in June it will begin from the following September. It sounds like from what you’ve said it can be hard to find anywhere that will accept a child on 30 free hours though?

Also, you mention it will be easier between 4-12 months than when they are toddlers - what about the newborn stage?

Thank you @hjbows88 - yes, the flexibility of our working hours is one big advantage that we do have on our side. We're already taking quite a hit on our income by DH taking one month off and me taking two (which we have saved for), but perhaps that won't be enough.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath increasing prices isn't an option for various reasons sadly. The three days each solution sounds ideal, but I agree it would be helpful to figure out a back-up plan in case that doesn't work out.

@SinkGirl I will look into that - thank you!