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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Feeling some regret

10 replies

Ishihtzuknot · 14/01/2020 17:00

Name changed for this, I didn’t want to post on the donor page as it may be insensitive but I need some support and advise about my situation.
I’m a single mum with 2 children aged 10 and 9. I work and we manage fine on our own. I enjoy being single. But, I have been desperate for 3 years to have another baby. When my husband left me we were ttc so the pain and want for another baby didn’t stop. I put it to the back of my mind and concentrated on my children but it kept resurfacing so I looked into my options.
With some support of friends I made the plunge to look into donor sperm and caught first time. I’m now 8 weeks pregnant. When I began getting pregnancy symptoms I was terrified realising what I’d actually done which came as a shock as I was desperate for it to happen first time. When I got a positive test result I cried. It’s been 3 weeks and I keep trying to ignore it and I have no idea why. This didn’t happen with my other two. It’s what I wanted and I should be excited. I feel terribly guilty that I have deliberately got pregnant with a baby who will never have a father and that my 2 children will have to accept a new family dynamic and money/time being split three ways.
I know I will be told I should have thought of this first, and I did, I had it all worked out and felt confident but now it’s happened I feel useless, selfish and like I won’t manage. Is this fear a sign I made a mistake?
I have my first booking appointment tomorrow so I will speak to them about how I feel, but any one who has experienced this please tell me how it worked out for you. I feel awful for having slight doubts and regrets at going ahead with the donation. I know I will love this baby, maybe I need time for it to sink in? But maybe it was a fantasy I shouldn’t have made a reality. I would never abort.
Any advice good or bad will be appreciated I just feel really alone and could never tell anyone irl.

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Persipan · 14/01/2020 18:19

Oh my goodness, you sound so stressed. Please have a virtual hug from me!

You may well have seen me on the donor board; I hang out over there quite a bit. My situation is a bit different from yours - I'm single but don't have children already; and it took a lot of treatment to get me to this point (27 weeks pregnant), including a couple of miscarriages and ultimately needing to use donor eggs as well as sperm.

And you know what? The first time I was pregnant (speedily leading to miscarriage #1), was over really quickly so I didn't have too much time to think about it. The second time, though (ultimately miscarriage #2, but I had a good month of pregnancy before it became apparent that was where it was heading) I freaked right out. And I felt really weird and guilty about that, because this was what I wanted! And had tried so hard to make happen! It was a very odd, intense experience.

And then... I kept trying. So on some level, however much I had gone 'wtf was I thinking!? This was a terrible idea!' at the time, I didn't inherently consider it a terrible idea. I felt much the same about it, fundamentally, as I always had.

I think, probably, that having a reaction of this kind is quite likely something lots of people experience - whether they've conceived via a donor, or in the most blandly conventional circumstances imaginable. And I think, as well, that it's always ok to have whatever emotions you're having - they aren't something you need to feel guilty about on top. Emotions just are. I promise that how you're feeling is not something you need to feel ashamed of.

You've said that you wouldn't ever consider termination, so right now the best thing is probably to think about what kind of support would be most helpful to you right now. Taking to your midwife is a great idea - mine has been super-supportive and understanding of my situation. You might also find the Donor Conception Network a helpful resource. If your resources allow it, you could also consider accessing a counselling session with someone specialising in fertility matters (I had to have this through my clinic because I was using donor gametes).

You mentioned that you had support from friends on your journey to this point. Have you been able to talk to them about how you're feeling?

You are an incredibly capable person, and you are going to be ok, whatever the future holds for your family. You are equal, and more that equal, to what lies ahead.

Keha · 14/01/2020 21:44

All I can say is that I was actively trying to get pregnant and wanted to be pregnant (with my partner not a donor). I got pregnant reasonably quickly and for a week or so panicked I'd made a huge mistake, I didn't really want kids, this would mess up my life etc. I felt so guilty when I had actively been trying to get pregnant and some people are desperate to and can't. I also felt like I had lost control of my body with the symptoms and kind of resented it. Over the week or two after that, I got used to the idea and then quite quickly pleased and excited. I know it's been a little longer for you since you found out, but I am just saying even if you really want it, I think it can still be quite a shock and can make you question things. Plus you might have a lot of hormones swirling around. I don't think the donor aspect is a factor, I bet a lot of women go through this when they get pregnant and your other children are a bit older so perhaps you were just in quite a different place then. Hope you start to feel better about it soon.

Ishihtzuknot · 21/01/2020 17:36

Thank you both for your replies and being kind. I think I’m starting to get my head around it and get things in place. The shock feeling is still there and I wake up wondering if it’s real or a dream but I’m getting used to the idea of 3 children. I haven’t told my children yet, tbh I’m terrified of their reaction. If they’re excited that will be great but I know there is the risk they’ll be upset and I’ll hate myself for changing our family dynamics. Hopefully this feeling passes, possibly when I have my first scan.

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AnxiousandExcited · 21/01/2020 18:37

I don't think this has anything to do with it being a donor. Lots of people feel like this when they are first pregnant - however much you want it, it can be a huge shock to the system and it takes time to come to terms with what you have just done... Not having a partner makes it tougher in that you have no-one to share the shock with. But the shock and regret is fairly normal - it will almost certainly pass but can take a while in my experience!

flissity · 21/01/2020 20:12

I’m not in same position as you, although have 2 DD’s aged 8 and 10 who do have a different dad to the baby I am currently carrying. As I married again and am 20wks currently.
This was very much planned but I did have fleeting panic moments of ‘oh god, children with different dads, how will the older ones deal with a baby’ ‘how will the youngest deal with the times that the older girls go to their dads’ etc.
I think it seems to be normal-Ish reaction to pregnancy!! The hormones have a lot to answer too.
I really hope you get to the point of being excited and can enjoy the pregnancy!

Ishihtzuknot · 22/01/2020 09:20

Thank you both it’s nice to see it from another angle and that it’s fairly common. As I planned a donor baby knowing I’ll be 100% alone with no support and no father for the baby I feel more responsible for anything going wrong than I would if it were an unplanned pregnancy or planned with a partner for example. I can’t seem to let myself get excited knowing this. My scan date has just come through so fingers crossed it helps.

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mywrencalls · 22/01/2020 10:11

Our situations are not very similar but I'm 13 weeks pregnant with my second child.
I'm 37 and had my first child 20 years ago Shock so although my partner and I were causally trying to get pregnant, when it happened quite quickly I was consumed with fear and regret.

I thought I had probably ruined my life, lost my freedom, I was worried about ending up a single parent one day, and just generally terrified to the point where I was considering an abortion Sad

However, around week 10 something clicked and everything felt right and perfect. I am now SO so excited to have my baby. I can't believe the change in mindset and I have had to put it down to hormones because I can't explain it any other way.

Give yourself a bit more time... I'm sure once you see baby on the scan it'll all fall into place for you Smile

flissity · 22/01/2020 10:32

@Ishihtzuknot the other thing is, because you have no partner going through this with you, I bet you over think it and it goes round and round in your head. When there’s a partner around they can probably nip those thoughts in the bud! (Mine did anyway)

So we will have to be that partner that says ‘don’t worry you will feel differently soon’ :)

Is the scan soon? That could be the turning point. Also I do think when you have other children to deal with daily, all those busy things. School, housework, work, meals, shopping. I would ‘forget’ I was pregnant, then it would come as a bit of a shock when i thought about it. I’m also 37, so fell pregnant quite a lot quicker than I was expecting!

I’ll bet it’s the first trimester hormones making you feel like this x

Ishihtzuknot · 22/01/2020 12:29

Thanks ladies, definitely think you’re right regarding a partner as there’s no one there for me to share my worries with who can reassure me or help me. I think I will drive my friends crazy banging on to them all through the pregnancy!
20 years! That’s amazing it must be exciting for you getting to do it all again, how do they feel about a new sibling?
My scan is in 3 weeks, I am looking forward to it and I do hope something clicks when I see them on the screen.

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mywrencalls · 22/01/2020 12:36

@Ishihtzuknot My other child (adult child haha) is really happy and excited. He's at uni but looking forward to being home in the summer when baby is here Smile

I'm so excited to do it all again, but I definitely wasn't 3 weeks back, I was so terrified. I feel like a new mum all over again!

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